End of the World

That was the topic for me and my friend's English Aural test (what? you didn't expect me to choose anything mainstream did you?) During our aural, we assumed that the Mayan prediction was right and we started listing things that we wanted to do before the world ended on 21st December 2012. In all honesty, I can only remember 3-4 of the things I listed.

Well, 21st is next Thursday and I haven't done a single thing on my list. Perhaps I was too naive when I listed those thinking I could accomplish them by 20 but they were (maybe) rather realistic things to do (except maybe one).

I'm not saying I believe the world will end next week...In fact I doubt it, you'd think the warning signs would appear by now. But in Form 5, 2012 looked like an eternity more. It felt like anything could be accomplished.

I do it almost every year, write down a list of things I want to get accomplished by the end of the year. Except perhaps general stuff like grade expectations, I find myself putting down the same goals every year.

Perhaps that is human nature, to sit there and hope instead of getting up and doing. All I know is that if the world ends next week, I haven't done anything I truly wanted. I wouldn't die happy or satisfied. I guess this should be a wake-up call for me, to tell me to get on with my life, do what I want to do... but generally most of my goals just doesn't fullfilable on my own, at least currently.

Besides, it's not been a bad year. I've experienced/learned more things than I care to admit. Things I never thought I would do. Maybe it's not been that bad of a life. I haven't done what I always wanted to do but for a 20 year old with my biopsychosocial status, I think I've done pretty ok.

Shadow Self?

This is always something that bugged me. I always heard people wanting to date people who were like them but I kinda figured that wouldn't work. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm very in to personality stuff and as far as I can tell (generally but not all), astrology personalities are quite accurate. (Again personalities not the stupid future thing). So, according to dating compatibility, try not to date within your sign (they can either be super compatible or extremely uncompatible). I dunno, comparing my relationships it makes sense. Initially I find it very hard to get along with Taurus' but give it time, they are nice to talk to because some things are relatable.

I would never want to date a Taurus. I mean I'm not going to ask my future boyfriend his sign then run away or anything but I doubt a Taurus would work for me. I know the weaknesses of a Taurus and frankly, with both parties of the relationship with the same weakness, it will be a pain in the neck. I haven't actually met a male Taurus yet though... (I generally only ask the horoscope of people closer to me) So whether we are compatible is something I never really analyzed.

I always wanted to meet myself. I see the view of myself from an unbiased eyes but i honesly doubt I'd like myself very much. Whether because of the poor view I have of myself or this shadow self concept I've been talking about. And it kinda makes sense. I dunno if it's just to diversify personalities but shows with a group don't really have people with the same personalities. Like the Ninja Turtles for example, each one of them exemplifies Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Whether it's the shows idea of diversifying the cast, or it kinda shows that characters with similar personalities don't generally get along.

Which leads me to the last part, identifying with characters in a show. Sometimes (but very rarely) when I read a book or watch a show, I'd go, 'Hey this reminds me of someone' but I never really experienced it myself. The closest I've gotten was to Luigi but I think that's more of me identifying so much with his character that in my head canon, I've twisted him into how I want him to be (Well, Repo! didn't really give me much to work on. Every fan has their own head canon/interpretation of the characters) But nada. I dunno if perhaps my personality is too unmarketable but nope not even among the unlikeble characters have I found myself. Someone suggested it might be the shadow self concept again. The characters who are most like you annoy you so much that you can't bring yourself to identify with them.

So actually I'd like to hear your opinions. Are your good friends or significant other anything like you? Have you identified or found yourself as characters in shows, movies etc? Well, hit me up and comment below or on my facebook post. ^_^

New Blog

http://portraitofaninfp.blogspot.com/

To make it clear, I'm not changing my blog. Pits of Depression will still be here for years to come for me to bitch and whine. I just wanted to try something new. So just check it out. If it gets the response I want, then I might continue (until sem starts at least xD)

Dilemma or Copycat?

Ok so hey guyz I'm back. Short post this time. A friend of mine has just changed her blog to have a more 'bloggish' feel instead of a diary and I was wondering if that might be a good idea. I mean generally I know the population of my readers (prior to me sharing my blog on FB) and it's pretty much 2 or 3 of my closest friends who like reading. I have been looking for a hobby to fill my 4 months holiday, so perhaps a more formal blog would be better? Of course I'd have to think up a topic first and suggestions would be helpful. Don't worry though, I'm not dumping this blog. I still need a place to whine and rant. Especially with 2nd year of Med School coming up (if I can make it).

Of course there's also the problem with me never finishing what I started as well as my essay tones are more personal and story based. I hardly ever write factual essays though I guess opinion based wouldn't be half bad. So whaddaya guyz think? It would be a way to spend my time. I was thinking of, not say reviewing per-say, but more on give my opinion of random stuff like the lastest movie I watched or website I visited or boardgame I played (bigger excuse to go to Meeples). I know I do that already but perhaps a more formal 'reviewy' view than a personal one, i dunno... So suggestions and comments will be greatly appreciated. ^_^

PS Yes, I'm clearly ignoring the fact I should be studying now...

So no one's been updating their blogs... Dun really feel like updating mine but I needed to rant. No not rant...whine? So last day of exams are here and now I feel more depressed than ever. Since I came back until now I've done nothing but cry. Overreacting? I dun think so...I dunno I'm just so tired. I dunno wat happened to me. I think my mind just gave up on me. I've never let a previous station/exam disturb my next one before. Seriously I just wanna lie down and die. (No, not a warning sign. No need to go knocking on Mr Paul's door)

I dun even wanna go Penang anymore...not that I was keen to go in the first place. I'm just so tired...And to think about going Penang and hearing everyone talk about how well they did for the exam and the smart people 'pretending' they're gonna fail. Seriously I just need some time out right now. Some time to myself... Some time to think and reflect.  But I can't... Sunday heading to Penang until Wed and then I probably should start studying for the supplementary test. I know I won't though. I can't study for the sake of studying.

I dunno about working anymore...I mean I still wanna work but they'd only wanna hire for like the full 4 months. I can't work and deal with people everyday for 4 months and go back to uni. And I can't start immediately. I have to concentrate for supplementary first. And to think I have to go through all this again next year. I wonder if u fail year 2, will u get a chance to resit for the year. And by then it's too late to change course right?

I'm sorry for whining... it's just sometimes I feel I dun have anyone to talk to... No fault of anyone of course... I dunno how to express myself in words...oni writing...Besides family of guyz, not really programmed to show weakness in front of people... I dunno...I'm just so tired...I think the Penang trip is really gonna make or break me... I dunno...Maybe if I wake up 2moro i'll be fine again...who knows... But for now... I'm just so...out of it...

I've given up on being happy here. Maybe it's just exam stress but I honestly hate my life now. Half of me wants to fail so I dun have to continue here anymore. The other half knows I can't take that kind of blow. I'm angry all the time and if I'm not angry I'm stressed beyond my mind. Honestly I can't look forward to next year. I dunno wat I want anymore. Sometimes I just want to lie down and die. Makes everything so much more simpler. I am not coping well as you can tell. I just have the feeling I'm not gonna do well for this exam and I dunno what to do anymore. I just want my results now so I can decide what to do with my life. I'm just not happy here. I hate everything. All that's keeping me sane are the shows I watch every week and even those are not enough anymore. Nothing is enough anymore. All I feel is dread for the coming year, for the coming years, even for working. I dunno if it's just the stress talking but I'm not looking forward to being a doctor at all. I just want to give up...not just on this...on everything...

I think the common reccommendation that INFPs would like to work in people oriented service jobs is a bit off the mark. We do usually care about others and enjoy showing our care, but we are still introverts and we don’t generally like a lot of shallow interactions – which means that service jobs may be fullfilling and draining at the same time.

Paraphrasing...but a main reason why I don't think I'm cut out to be a doctor... I'm trying but I think I'm still stuck...

That moment when you realize you want to tell people about your problems but they are only interested about talking about themselves or their problems. And you just sit there close to tears, consoling them or helping them fix their problems. And all you can think is how lonely you are and realize that people probably don't care about you as much as they claim.

PS Thank you Aisyah for listening to me. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one I can talk to.

I was reading up my next sem's study guide and I'm kinda freaking out. Haha... Partially it's cause I haven't got my results yet so I dunno how well I'm coping with it. Next sem's syllabus is VERY anatomy-heavy. Even our clinical skills seems to be anatomy-only. I mean it seems fun, don't get me wrong. But you'd probably can't do it unless you know your anatomy. 

I hate anatomy. Not because of anything but I'm not the memorizing type. And next sem seems to be concentrated on Pharmacology and Anatomy, 2 very memorize-based subjects. Yes, so I kinda am freaking out. Ok breath... breath... Yes I know Medicine is all about Anatomy but good god I REALLY can't memorize that subject. I remember better by understanding but you can't 'understand' the names you have to memorize them...

Ok ok...I have to admit though, I really love next sems Psycho syllabus. Haha seems more like the psycho I want to learn. Human development. How the environment influences the character etc. *_* Hopefully it's as fun as I'm imagining it to be. 

Hmn... no HEP, ethics or law next sem. Actually...not much tutorials either. To me it just seems like we are studying anatomy the whole sem (plus a couple other stuff). Hmn... maybe Malaysian style is slightly different and I should wait for our study guide version. But I doubt there'd be much difference. Haiz...this sem since very study-based compared to last sem.

Wow, I didn't know we were heading to Johor in the 3rd week itself. I hope we can choose group members. I think I work well with my current group. I really don't need a kiasu perfectionist driving me, I have no patience for them. Hopefully it's fun. I mean it's like a 5 day camp. *_* Haha I really hope we can choose dorm mates etc. Then we can stay up the whole night. Mwahahahahaha.

Hmn... I think I was putting really high hopes on a 'fun' next sem which is why I'm kinda disappointed now. I mean we had injection practical and first aid etc but this sem doesn't seem to have anything really stand out fun. Or maybe I'm just whiny. I mean I know it's gonna be a bz year. We have what, 4 projects coming out? I'm so happy some of them are hurdles (even if it's the one I think would be the most fun). Maybe I should re-read my last sems study guide and see whether it looks as boring. If it does, then maybe I'm just over-reacting. 

Remember how I was all 'I wanna change groups to make more friends'? Now I really don't. Haha I dunno lar, freaking out maybe. But I really click well with my current group. (Or maybe I just miss them from the month-long separation). And with so much group projects stuff, maybe it's better that way. Haha but you know what I'm glad about? NO MORE DEBATES!!! Haha but I really am sad we didn't do the court case thing. That would have been fun. Haha. Ok then guyz. Ciaoz

OKOK CHILL GUYZ I'm updating my blog. Haha SORRY just haven't had a decent writing mood in ages, still dun really have it atm. So this post will probably be really short...or whiny haha... WAIT WAIT dun kill me, let me thing of what to write.

First agenda would probably be, I'VE BEEN A MED STUDENT FOR A WHOLE SEM NOW. I can say very firmly now that I still don't know whether I will be happy in this line. Don't get me wrong, I can make this work that much I know... I just still dunno whether I will like this. I don't like interacting with people... I'm glad I'm a doctor so people come to me instead I approaching them but still... I'm glad patient interviews have a set format but if you ask me to think of how to really talk to them, interact with an emotional patient, patient motivation...I'm stumped... Exams I think I can perform...real life? That's why I wanna stick to surgery...less talking more action but then...I've seriously been rethinking surgery (and Oncology but that's a separate matter) I mean the practical parts are the most fun parts but... I dunno lar... I'm just rethinking it.

I really hate how our 1 sem is only 3 months. The lectures become really cramped up and there's just not enough time. Only 3 months of being a proud member of Group G, next sem new group but hopefully same friends. Haha 3 months was surprisingly enough time for me to form new bonds. I think it's because of transition camp and how we are the same group for EVERYTHING. So yea, my gang spend nearly every minute in campus together until sick of their faces d. LOLZ kidding. But for some of the group 3 months is certainly not enough to be close, esp if we don't spend lunch together. (And you have no idea how hard it is to take a group picture. Someone is always missing.) So anyway new group...hopefully not a kiasu one that needs all the pbl presentations to be perfect and all that shit. X/ I still think it's a real waste of time...but I'm still holding on to the hope we'll feel like House soon. XD

Exams? Haha... I just wanna pass that's all I can say. I'm so not used to the feeling of being totally average (or below average...whichever) To think that the only thing I'm (partially) good at is studies/exams it's a real blow to my ego. Haha Oh well, as long as I don't debate with any pros I can keep the illusion that I'm a good debater. XD Oh well... I guess new group new image? Haha I think I must reel myself in during any group sharing sessions...Lolz It's like my mouth has no filter and I have to pour out my soul. X/ Yikes... Haha Er...anyway exams... It was hard... so I'm relying on everyone doing badly too? Haha yea I know that's mean... but what can you do in Medicine... I don't think I did that badly in OSCE but I know I can do better. More practice maybe? I realize anatomy is not that bad for me if it isn;t taught in 'lecture' style. When we explained it to each other, it seemed so much simpler. I'm trying to use songs for Pharmacology but it's a REALLY short term method...so we'll see how that works out for more drugs. @_@

Hmn... what else can I talk about... Haha I'M OBSESSED WITH RUMPLESTILSKIN/BELLE. What's this? My first straight OTP in years (or issit ever? I can't recall). Haha I FINALLY get why girls seem to like chic flicks so much and romance novels. *_* Haha I've been blasting love songs non-stop. Haha I feel like I'm the one in love. XD I watched that ep what 4 times? Haha Beauty and the Beast indeed. *_* Screw Stockholm syndrome, that doesn't exist = P If season 2 doesn't give them a Happy Ending and Rumple finding his son, I'm gonna go kill someone. OR WORSE pull a leaf out of Game of Thrones book and start killing people off. >_>

Haha okok enough about that...what else? I need writing inspiration? Haha...I feel like writing but I have no inspiration...My inspiration only hits when I'm busy or exams are coming. Haiz... I dunno if it's expectations or what but when I think something I've written is nice and I read it again, it's probably narmy and it sucks but when I think something I've written is not up to par to my usual standards, I'm usually (pleasantly) surprised when I re-read it. Haha I need a second opinion but people will generally give you good comments or compliments even if it sucks... Meh...all my recent fanfics are Repo anyway and no one really watches it...

Haha...ok now I know I'm just writing for the sake of writing...This is getting really long. Ok guyz read this long post and worship it, love it. XD It's likely a LONG time before I write again (or tomorrow, who knows, my moods are sporadic XD) Ok then guyz CIAOZ!!!

How I'm using Repo to study Medicine

Charmaine Chua Thinks Luigi Seems Cocky
Cranial Cervical Thoracic Lumbar Sacral Coccyx

Charmaine Seems Parasympathetic
Cranial Sacral
Now Charmaine is lazy and likes to eat: Rest and Digest

Luigi too thinks (he's) Sympathetic
Lumbar 2 Thoracic
Luigi is most likely to stab you hence, Fight and Flight

I have no idea if that is easier or more complicating but that's wat im using

Hahahaha I'm back!!! See as I have been re-reading my past posts I realized I will definitely post before exams. LOLZ I guess I just like to whine about the stress. Mmn...let's see what's up? Freebird is stuck in my head. I LOVE that song but the guitar riff at the end is a tad bit overboard.

I've been watching Once Upon A Time, so far quite interesting but they are going about with ep based storyline instead of whole season based. I saw Rumplestiltskin and I was like ok, if he is not a bad guy, he is gonna be my favourite character and by the next ep they hint he may be the Big Bad after all. >_> Fine...I hope he'll be an anti-villian of affable evil or something like that.

Hmn... watching Game of Thrones and yes, I know everyone likes him to and I'm not supposed to follow the majority but I can't help it. Tyrion seems to be one of the only few likeble characters in the whole show. From the sound of it, I think I'll like Jamie but I haven't seen him much. Urgh but I'll stop here cause that story has too many characters and is way too confusing. @_@

Can I summarize the other season finales here?
Glee: Meh
Supernatural: Boring but good cliffhanger
House: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha go search my fb status lar, I lz to repeat myself. XD

Oklar I wanna go study d. Yes I know it's a miracle to hear that from me. I did badly for my last exam, need to work harder. The new topics are pretty hard. @_@ If I can at least maintain, I think I'd be pretty satisfied d. Then I have a month holiday. *_* I dunno wat I'm gonna do but I'd definitely need it

Upcoming Movies I wanna see (by year)

2012
The Hobbit (It's Watson T_T and Sherlock's voice)
Les Miserables (After Taylor was kicked out, I have very high hopes for this)
The Devil's Carnival (There's no reason why I won't get a chance to watch this...right?)

2013
Despicable Me 2 (the first one was nice...sue me)
Iron Man 3 (Do i need to elaborate?)
Thor 2 (The brothers relationship was NOT resolved/played out the way I liked at all in Avengers. They better do it right here)
Star Trek 2 (Seriously no news until now? CUMBERBATCH!!! *_* Is Nimoy coming back?)
Sherlock BBC 3 (I know it's not a movie... so?)

2014
Avengers 2 (Rumoured...they better not postpone it...)
The Addams Family (It's Tim Burton *_*)

Lolz... that was shorter than I thought it would be... Damn... there's nothing much to look forward to this year...... T_T WHY???

Avenger's character list

1.Iron Man - Truly this was a tie between Iron Man and Loki but if we are only counting the Avengers movie than Iron Man did it for me. Loki kinda disappointed me here.
2.Loki - My favourite Marvel character thus far. Sympathetic and damn does he look cool in a suit.
3.Hulk/Bruce Banner - Again, solely for Avengers only. Never liked the Hulk but Avengers pulled me into it.
4.Hawkeye
5.Thor
6.Agent "Phil" Coulson - I don't remember him much but I know he made enough of an impression to make me feel sad that he died.
7.Nick Fury - Meh
8.Captain America - Dull. Reminds me of Leonardo of the Ninja Turtles. Initially interesting as a 'leader' but it becomes his only defining characteristic and he's boring and so...egoistic?
9.Black Widow - @_@ Is there really a point to her other than hot chick? I'm still kinda not happy that she 'figured' Loki's plan without any explanation. Even if she Sherlock scanned the info from him... EXPLAIN!!!

I'm too sleepy to think and write more. I might talk summore when I have the mood.

Hey guyz!!!

How's life? Haha I'm having holidays now. A week only unfortunately but it's great for a little R & R. Not doing anything special. Realized I was in some desperate need of 'me' time, being an introvert and all that. X/ Haha especially since last week we kept going out and all that. Talked way too much.

Haha what else? Haha I've gotten back to writing...Though I seem to have lost some initial inspiration...DAMN!!! I hate unfinished stories. Haha I'll try. I keep getting bombarded with inspiration, if I start watching something now I know I'd get a weird storyline floating through. Hey, how about Harry Potter/Repo... wait. NO NO NO! Enough stories to write about. The stupid Hunger Games crossover refuses to let me end it. Maybe I should write all the endings again and see which I'm satisfied with. XDXDXD

Haha yea ok I'm back into my Repo craze. Mwahahahahaha!!! I'm listening to Ohgr, Spider Mountain, Repo and of course DEVIL'S CARNIVAL (more on that in a while XD) Haha and I just rewatched Devil's Rejects. XD All I need is some good fanfiction and I'm back to Bill/Ogre. XD You did not just read that. XD Oh come on don't look at me like that. I maintain Bill Moseley kept me alive (or at least sane) during my A-Level's exam. Haha maybe he can keep me sane during Med School. I would definitely need it.

Haiz Med School...You can do it, they said. You are smart, they said. @_@ Yea they kinda forgot to mention EVERYONE here is smart as well. Everyone was like the exam was not as hard as they expected lar, they think they can get 3rd quartile and all that shit. I'm just trying to pass man. Gone is the time I was aiming to get 4th quartile. @_@ I dunno when are the results coming out but damn! damn! damn! Hahaha can I be a serial killer instead? So much cooler. (Sorry just watch Devil's Rejects...I HATE THE ENDING T_T)

Oh right Devil's Carnival. Spiritual sequel to Repo! Haha Terrance and Darren's new pet project. They are having private screenings in US now. Lucky bastards. Stupid people on FB kept pics of themselves with the actors. T_T And to think envy was rarely a deadly sin of mine until now. Bill and Ogre refuses to stop sitting next to each other. Again, you didn't read that. I'm not weird...I'm perfectly normal thank you very much.

Haha so what's it about...let's see. The Devil's Carnival is essentially hell and the 3 'special guests' are probably new residents who have to relive their sins over and over again. Well...something like that. Haha why care about the plot when I'm going to watch it no matter what. Haha but it does sound like something I'd watch. Something different and not overrated and musical. Haha I didn't like the songs initially but damn they are really growing on me like 666. Haha I think I found the supporting character I would like. (I mean not talking about Bill and Ogre. And of course Terrance [come on he's Lucifer, what's not to like?{Haha and I can hear all my religious friends backing away slowly xD Get used to it guyz. XD}]. That wouldn't be a fair comparison. XD)

Right...I have to remember not to go to other sites while updating my blog or I'd get bored of updating. Haha I got nothing else to say d actually. So I guess...bye?

Haha I finally have inspiration of the third post in my 'weird series'. (Yes that's what i'm gonna call it until I find a better name for it. XD) Haha again, don't read it if you don't want to. I still dunno where I'm going with this but it fulfils my writing needs. And it pisses Alucia off. I'm kidding...or am I? XD

"Don't do it." I looked up at Alucia staring at me, a rare look in her eyes. "I know what you are thinking, don't do it."

I raised an eyebrow and ran through my most recent thoughts. Mostly it was filled with thoughts of the upcoming exams. "What you going on about?"

She laid next to me, refusing to break eye contact. "You've gone through so much worse without relapsing. This is not worth it."

Relapsing? I-oh... I gave her a smile, it came out more forced than it ought to be. "It was just a passing thought. Relax. I'm not that stressed." 'Not yet.' was laid unspoken between us. She knew all my thoughts.

Even so, she stared at me, looking for any trace of lies on my face. I was always a poor liar, a good snarker perhaps, but a horrid liar. She seemed satisfied and her eyes turned cold. "Good."

"Why Alucia, it's nice to know you care." I said with a smirk.

Anger flashed in her eyes but I saw through their falseness. "It's our body you are damaging." I may not share her thoughts as she did mine but Alucia was an open book. The anger and her words were false.

I rolled my eyes, "My body. You are just the passenger remember?"

A quick look of hurt passed Alucia's face and my brows furrowed in confusion. She turned to rise before turning to me suddenly a grabbing my chin. "I know I'm tough on you but it's really ok if you screw up. I'm not going to blame you."

A lump entered my throat but I didn't say anything. Previous failures flashed through my head and I squeezed my eyes shut to force them out. A hesitant arm reached out to stroke my head before pulling me into a hug. "Alucia, I'm fine. Promise." I didn't know why I said my next words and I would regret it in the morning but it just came out and I sort of meant it. "I won't fail. I won't disappoint you. Promise."

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say 

Remember two posts ago I was talking about someone who was grating on my nerves? Not the one who wouldn't shut up, the other one. The passive aggressive dominant. I was convinced she was choleric but now I realize I should hope she isn't. Cause if she is, she can take my place with ease and I'd be alone again.

I know my blog's connected to my fb (i think) so I don't want to say much cause I dunno who can be reading. I've been reading my friend's blogs and I envy how much time they spend on it. My blog is just my personal diary. So I hate it when I have to sensor myself but I've no choice. Can't let certain people read it. No one from Uni reads this (for now) and I have a general idea of who views my blog now so no worries.

I miss writing. I haven't written in ages. I feel like getting crazy about Repo again just so I can write more stories. But nah, no time to write. Exam's in two weeks time. Or one, depends on when u count a week end.  Haha, I'm getting my gang to watch Repo! even if I'm not as in to it but hey who knows, after a rewatch I may be crazy about it again. Bill/Ogre XD I love my friends' reaction to Paris Hilton. Hey I didn't know she was Amber Sweet until the credits so I know the feeling. Haha

I watched Hunger Games that day. Not bad esp considering movies nowadays but I can't help but compare it to Battle Royale. I couldn't stand the hero and heroine of Battle Royale but it's the minor characters that really moved the story. Suicide, betrayal etc I could see that happening. Hunger Games... it was hard to call the characters believable. They seem to kill really easily without any 'care' at all. The bloodthirstier ones from the richer districts I get but not the others. And all the outside influences spoilt the game for me. I get that they want to concentrate on the 'reality tv' thing and less on the 'game' but nah I just didn't like that from the show.

Next week is full of cafe food. WHY???? I need more 2 hour breaks. I can't stand the cafe food any longer. Maybe I should just go lunchbox by myself if the others don't want to risk it. I'm really really fed up of cafe food that I might actually go mad. xD

Haha nothing much to say really. I had to update cause Pik Ee updated hers. xD So yea, Aisyah go update yours! And er...that's all I guess. Nightz

I'm half asleep. That much I can promise you. How am I coping with life? It's been life... I stress out much much easier now. I had presentations 3 days in a row...That was stressful. I have no research skills that much I can promise you. I have no idea what to do when my assignments come. Que Sera Sera?

Mmn slipped back into my (default) Melancholic mode today. My friend kept asking me whether I was sick. Lolz? I guess that is a testament of how Sanguine I've been the last couple of weeks. (Well choleric as well but I'm always choleric.) Haha I'm zoning out more and more... But I'm used to that. Maybe I have ADD. Haha That day in class I decided to list the punishments in each level of hell in Dante's Inferno... Random much?

Yea I know I've been talking about the same things over and over again. Stress and zoning out. But it seems to be a staple in my life. It's become a long tedious routine. Classes, come home, get on the comp, do 'homework' and by then I'm too tired to think and bed. That's all my life is. Why am I here again? Honestly until now, I have no idea why I'm in this course but I don't regret anything specific yet, just the amount to study and the stress.

I'm surrounded by Type A personalities. That's expected of course in Med course. I think almost everyone is Type A. It's really stressful to be surrounded by stressed out people. Honestly, I think people stress me out more than the work or myself. The selfish kiasuness is not obvious (not yet), but the other sort of kiasuness is obviously there and like everyone has it. Again, I guess you have to have some sort of kiasuness to get into Med school I guess but again, big stress factors.

Haha listening to Ohgr again. Miss his songs. Such a refreshing change to pop songs. But still, not the kind of artist I'd randomly introduce to my friends. AND Devil's Carnival. I really really wanna watch that. I dunno how long more before they come out but DAMNIT I don't wanna wait. Doesn't matter I dunno the main actors, I've perfect confidence the writers and directors would make characters that I'd like. They made me like Paris Hilton for heaven's sake. I still think that's some form of a miracle.

My eyes are closing. I still dunno what I'm doing here in Med course. I'm still not the constant study type. I reallt don't think I can cope when the workload starts piling up. I'm just glad for a great team I guess. They will help when I need it even the (what I thought) were the more kiasu ones. I'm still worried I'm not fitting in as much as I think I am. I'm definitely more comfortable here than I was in A-levels initially...but it seems I'm the only one who thinks so... Again I dun think I'm fitting in as well as I think or expect, (I always suspected I never fitted in to Tea Party and I was right wasn't I? I was the odd man out...always has been. My current group has all 4 temperaments. I hope that actually helps in things but I'm still scared.

It's either that time of month or I'm sinking back to emo mode. I need something to fangirl over. Anything for distraction. SHERLOCK, I NEED SEASON 3!!!!!!!! Or Devil's Carnival but thats gonna take awhile to come out. K guyz, I'm still half asleep and I really need to go. Byez!!!!

I really can't remember how I was in A-Levels but I don't remember acting so... 'sanguine' then, not at the start I mean. I was really melancholic in A-Levels...except for a few emo moments my melancholicness seems to have all but vanished. (Yea I know, I seem to be speaking in a foreign language). I've been really animated lately, and I don't get that way unless you are talking about something I'm crazy about (and that's if my melancholicness haven't set in).

There may actually be one more person popping up in my group that is going to grate on my last nerves but I think I can tahan that person at least lar. Typical dominant (a bit passive aggresive) types who I totally bet have no idea they are dominant and will be insulted or look for 'support' if I tell them that. I'll just give it more time and see how things go. The other person I could generally ignore but this person is a little harder. Que Sera Sera

Lolz Sanzo and Gojyo is not supposed to get along but my Gojyo is a cancer so technically I'm supposed to. @_@ The 2 aquarius which I'm not supposed to get along with is Hakkai and Goku and we know what a softie Sanzo is. >_> Lolz ok fine...I've gone from a little obsessed to WAY overboard... It's my Melancholic side, I swear. (Ooo speaking of Sanzo, maybe I should get a giant fan to hit on someone's head to shut them up... Ok wow @_@ too many someones. LOLZ but kinda obvious who).

Cholerics may not realise or admit that they are in fact choleric; this seems to be relatively common for some reason. Perhaps they feel that it sounds BAD to be choleric and don't want to sound BAD?

This is common for a lot of cholerics really though I have no idea why. I'm proud to be a choleric (most of my favourite characters are choleric (or melancholic but I digress)). Cholerics get off their asses and do something instead of sitting around on their butts and whining about the problem all day. THEN AGAIN, the above statement might be because most cholerics don't know or refuse to admit their own weaknesses. It takes a semi-melancholic like me to break out of that trap at least. I know my weaknesses and I don't mind admitting some of them. Haha I know my strengths too but er...admitting them is kinda a bit perasan so I dun think it's good mentioning them, neh?

They are not always openly proud, strong, confident leader types who happily jump to the front to command everyone. 

Unfortunately... I used to I think... but after the bad experiences I've had, I'm happy to be in the background or second in command chain. I just don't like the limelight and all that. Neh, melancholic part I guess. My tutor was like 'this girl is very observant', and I could literally hear my choleric and melancholic side arguing. "Yay she noticed me for something good." "Yea way to go shoving us into the limelight." And my eyes was on the ground and I hope I was blushing if not I'd probably look very arrogant...

Haha still trying to figure out how to balance my two sides esp with all this sanguine traits coming in. I'm trying to figure out the zonning out is which personality, cause it sure in hell ain't Choleric. Meh...it's probably my INFP and the whole building stories/daydreaming thing.

Ok I dunno where else my chain of thoughts was supposed to go but I'm sleepy. I better go to sleep. Night guyz... whoever is left....

Wow I didn't know so many of my friends (same age) got married. O_O Haha I still feel REALLY young so I just can't imagine it. I've mentioned time and time again, I don't feel 20. I don't think any of my classmates really feel 20. Haha I've long accepted I'd be about 28-30 when I get married (if I get lucky that is. I'm going to end up a lonely old cat lady, I know it). That's about 10 years. That's a LONG way more. 10 years ago we were in primary school still.

I'm not judging them or anything I just can't imagine getting married so young. Or having kids. X/ I like kids (maybe) but I'm gonna really enjoy my life before I have them. There are advantages of having kids young (like being able to see your great grandkids or even grandkids with the amount of diseases going about now). But nah, I can't imagine having kids so soon. Maybe before my biological clock expires and all that.

Then again, I wouldn't mind adopting kids either. I mean I'm female so there's no carrying on the generation stuff that people seems to love. And it's not like you can't love someone elses kid. So yea, even if I end up a lonely old cat lady, I don't see why I can't have kids.

Yes, I'm a Taurus. I like to eat. That much is evident from my size. Please don't spend 400-600 on shopping and books and whatever else and call me spendthrift when I want spend a bit more for food. We can compare our monthly spending, I guarantee mine is lesser than yours.

I can't say I hate Med school but if I'm stressing out in the first week, you know there's a problem somewhere. I'm not even stressing for the right reasons I guess. Almost (I say almost because I'm holding out for more people like me) everyone here are those people you see at the top of your class. The people constantly studying even without any exams coming. I hate it... I feel like I should study but you know me.

Lazy to type more lar. Still not in any mood actually. I will see how life goes lar. I won't be surprised if I fail the first exam. :( i hope my parents are still not hoping for the first class honors.

Sleepy.

Haha yea taking a break from the weird posts thingy but I'm not gonna say much. I'm too sleepy to think right now. We had Batch Rep voting yesterday. I think I voted for the right person. My other choice kinda disappointed me today and I can't say anything that would not make this obvious so I'm not gonna say anything. I have perfect confidence in the male rep I voted for, though I think he knows who he is and his ego is gonna swell after he reads this. >_> No one give him a link to my blog. Haha I'm kinda surprised I didn't want to run for batch rep though, I guess that's good. I mean it would look good on my resume and all that but nah. Too much bad experience. I just want to enjoy myself now.

Sleepy.

Mmn I signed up for the Uni Magazine and gave them a link to my blog. I really should write something nice for them to accept me but I'm too tired after coming back late everyday. I joined 5 clubs. X/ Big mistake. I think I'm gonna drop Anime club. Honestly not into anime anymore but it's the cosplaying that should be fun. X/ Haha decisions, decisions.

SHIT! I have this horrible cough and I have a singing performance 2moro. I am screwed. I should pull out lar... If I cough into the mic, no one needs to sing d. They won't be able to hear anyone else. Gargh, my throat is so itchy.

I miss writing but no inspiration... The only writing I've done is the last 2 weird posts. I actually had a couple more posts planned out but for reasons I (may or may not) disclose later, they are not very suitable. Either to the theme I've been trying to get or because of the above reason. Why is there no creative writing club in Monash? Ok fine, I can't write on prompts, only on sudden inspiration but still...it should be fun. Mmn my muse won't leave me alone... Tell her/him/it I'm too sleepy to write anything coherent. X/ I shouldn't have made it verse by verse, now there's too many parts to write. Maybe I'll just get through the chorus once. X/ I just re-read the first part, and it looks like it's gonna end up a love story... X/ LOLZ?

K lar. I'm lazy and sleepy d. I think I'm gonna go sleep if I can get the mood to get myself off this couch. X/ K lar guyz. Nightz

'The Only Time She Told Me She Hated Me Out Loud'

Sorry here's the next part. Again, I have very little idea what I'm going for here so you can bypass this if you want. Haven't written in ages so it might just be my muse acting up. Trigger: Suicide Ideation

Alucia never yelled; she was nothing like me. Hers was a cold anger, with a sharp tongue and cruel words. She was furious now, eyes ablaze and with a hint of the crude vulgarity she could only have picked up from me. "You lazy pig! You bitch! I hope you are happy now. You've ruined everything!"

I refused to look at her; I wouldn't have been able to see her if I tried, not with the tears clouding my vision. I pulled my legs closer to myself, perhaps understanding for once the need for the foetal position the characters in movies adopt.

"We could have gotten out of here. Everything you've wanted, we've wanted and worked for. How could you just ruin everything like that?"

"I'm sorry." I choked out. Feelings of utter helplessness and self-hatred engulfed me. I hadn't meant for it to turn out this way. I thought I did my best, I actually thought...

"You always do this. You always spoil anything possibly good in our life. You lazy, over-confident ass." Then she did what I never imagined she could, she began to cry. It was more tears of anger and frustration than tears of grief but they were tears none the less.

It was then perhaps I knew I had hit rock-bottom. I silenced a wail into my pillow. "I tr...ied. I really did." I knew I was trying to convince myself more than her. I had to.

"Look at me and repeat that. I know you, Alucia. I know everything that goes through your pathetic little head. This...don't give me the bullshit that you tried your best. You didn't do shit."

"Please stop." I sobbed into my pillow. No more. It didn't matter if it was the truth. I couldn't hear this anymore. I knew how badly I'd screwed up. It hurt too much to think about it anymore but she won't let me stop but I deserved it. I deserved every inch of her verbal beatdown.

She laughed and more tears fell from her eyes. "I hate you. You are a total and utter failure. I hate you. I don't even care about them, about your family and I already know what a disappointment you are. I feel sorry for them." She paused, perhaps to catch her breath but I could hear her mind turning from here to deal the perfect final blow. "Go kill yourself. You said you were going to right? Two years ago, for less, for much less. Go, go kill yourself and save everyone so much grief and disappointment."

She left but her words haunted the air. In my mind's eye, I saw it. A knife and two perfect slices across my wrists. It would be so easy and everything would stop. This pain would stop, her voice would stop. But I didn't move, I wasn't going to do it, I knew myself that well at least. I was too much of a coward. I hugged myself tighter as the sobbing started afresh.

And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth

An Innocent Chat

First off, I just want to say this is not a blog entry. Well I mean it is but not an entry exactly, if you get me. It's not really a story either. It's just some random writings. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. Even I have very little idea about what this is about. (Might actually be the first in a long series of posts...Sorry)


"It's the 10th time you heard this song. Aren't you bored?"

"No."

"Do you have to listen to the songs we like a million times until we get bored of it in the same week."

"Yes."

"Alucia-"

"Not Alucia."

"-it'd be nice to actually have songs to listen to every now and then. Yes, I am getting bored of Thousand Years."

She ignored me as usual. She's been calling me Alucia for ages, I never understood why. It's the only thing she's ever called me. "It's nice for plotting."

I didn't look at her but I could feel her eyeroll. "Right, your stories are crap. Especially the ones you form in your head. Mary Sue much?" She zoned out a little, "Mmn, Insanity of Grief was favourited."

"I know. No reviews though. Would love to know how to improve."

She rolled her eyes, "Right. You'd take it as a personal attack and emo. Your stories suck by the way. How did you even get a positive review is beyond me."

I gritted my teeth but ignored her.

"Are you sure they like you?" I was about to ask who she was talking about when a couple of faces flashed in my mind. "Then again they might, they don't know you yet. How long do you think they'd last?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Fuck off. Not in the mood."

She smirked, "Do they know how much you curse? Do they know what a bitch you are in your head? Well...at least you think it's in your head. Wanna ask your old classmates? How many of them liked you again?"

"I had a good time. Don't spoil my mood."

"Riiiiiiight and how many people did you impose on to 'have fun'? How many of them actually enjoyed your company?"

"I told you to piss off."

She grabbed my wrist, "No one likes you. Not even..." She trailed off.

Not even you. I tugged my hand back. "I know..." A glance back to the screen, "Anything to watch? I'm bored." She went on, on shows I'd load but end up not watching. Alucia hated me. It was something I knew all along. It didn't surprise me or even make me upset, don't get me wrong. She was very vocal of her distaste for me. I don't know why I'm sad though. I hate her too right?

Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you

HEYA!!!!!!

Sitting in the Uni library now. Haha I'm early to class. Mwahahahahahaha. Don't get used to it. Haha it's almost the end of the first week of Monash and to quote another blog I read some time ago, I can't believe I've been a Med Student for 2 weeks.

I think I'll start with the life. It doesn't seem so bad after I settle down a little. At first I was going mad because of the amount of prescribed reading we had to do but once I actually got the books it was almost the same notes as the lecturer. I think the lecturer even used the same book. >_> So far it's been mostly lectures. As usual, for anyone who knows me, I keep zoning out. I can't concentrate on most of the lectures. Thank God the post up lecturer notes and that most of what we learned is same/easier than A-Levels (for now). I really can't concentrate. It's either zoning out, or doing other work, or facebooking. LOLZ But yea... scared that this will continue.

Hmn what else. Oh we had our first Clinical class this week. Mostly they just taught us how to talk/interview the patient. It's kinda intimidating and there's a strict guideline on the procedure so I'm scared I miss something. But it's only the first class so maybe it gets better. Speaking of clinical, we are going to a clinic in 2 weeks time. SCARY!!!!! I don't think I'm ready to talk to patients yet. Or maybe it's just literal visiting, I dunno but it's still scary as hell. Sorry, introvert, though my friends would probably disagree but my tutors would agree. Haha I really should participate more in class. Thing is I have to turn the sentence a couple times in my head, make sure it's fine and it doesn't sound stupid. By then, someone else would have spewed the answer.

OR we have a complete (insert random curse word) in our group that doesn't give anyone else the chance to speak. Ok I'm not gonna post the link on FB so hopefully that someone doesn't notice but I needed to get that out. I mean literally no one else has the chance to speak with that person around. But other than this person I absolutely LOVE my PBL group. Haha they are also my 'gang' at the moment so yea. AND THEY READ!!! LOLZ I mean I have found something in common with them. Haha crazy about Final Fantasy; they read Sherlock Holmes & Harry Potter, they can't stand Twillight or Korean shows. AND KARAOKE. LOLZ It's like I'm in heaven. Haha Definitely making friends faster than I expected (well friends to me, dunno about them, haha). I know it will be 3-6 months more but I just can't bare the thought of changing groups. Haha more friends but I get along with everyone in my group and we all have good chemistry. Haha THEN AGAIN, everyone may just hate me and I didn't know it like the certain someone I talked about earlier.

Alright then class is gonna start soon. Very short day today then KARAOKE!!!! Mwahahahahahaha My duet partner ffk today. :( Doubt anyone else knows how to sing Time To Say Goodbye. Oh well. Forever Solo. Haha not gonna used Forever Alone and tempt fate. Haha I think I might actually be happy here. :)

Tomorrow's the big day. Haha made the mistake of not reminding my mom to wake me up for lunch so now, I think I'm only gonna sleep at 5am. Yikes. Yea, that's my timetable for you. I blame Sherlock, rewatching it kept me up the whole night.

So conclusion of all that fussing on what to wear for Uni, I've decided (drum roll) Jeans, T-shirt/blouse, shoes and no make-up or contacts. LOLZ What I usually wear for college anyway. A bit hard when asking for opinion. My mom kept complaining why I want to dress so nice, my bros ke ep asking me to dress nicer. X/ Thanks... I miss having friends going that I can bug the whole night before about what they are wearing.

I'm dressing up for second day though, dress (not really), contacts and make-up. Since we are taking pictures for our ID and the orientation is seperated to course based, might as well look good. I just don't want to attract the wrong crowd though, as in those who care alot about how they dress, look etc. Not that there's anything wrong with them, I just think it's too tiring (for me) to keep up. Then again, my college gang turned me into a girl. I never bothered with things like toning and moisturising among other things until I met them. Not exactly a bad thing but I dunno. If my friends dress up, I will too and again too much work and care for my part that I can't stand.

Urgh had a long discussion about religion with my mom the other day. I think she's not gonna force me to go to church anymore if I don't want to. But... I know if I leave the church now, I'd leave it for good. Just a feeling, at least if I keep going back there is always a chance my faith will come back. I told my mom clearly that once I go to JB I know I'm probably never gonna drag myself to church (too lazy among other things). Like I said in my previous post, I just don't care I guess. I do think there is someone upstairs, a god, a higher power, fate etc. I just don't believe that he is really that person from the bible or the torah or the quran or the scriptures nor do I believe that he isn't. And that is the extent of religion, there is a God, fullstop. Anything else doesn't really matter, not to me at least.

Well I guess that's all that's left to update. I'm hungry alot now I realize...maybe it's just my clock being upside down. Urgh I have no idea how to deal with the time but I guess I'll adjust. I still haven't decided whether to hang with anyone tomorrow or attack out on my own. I mean first day is a little hard to find coursemates since everyone is in the same hall. So cruel or pessimistic as it is, making friends from another course is a waste of time since you'd probably never talk to each other again. Same school might be ok but I'm leaning on same course.

Oooo now I found out that at camp we are going to be grouped with our PCL (similar to PBL) group mates I'm rather pleased. I think we will have no choice but to actually make friends with our group then since we will be together for the whole sem. It does do a little ganging a bit early, but haha I just want friends, I'm not gonna complain. I think it will take awhile but I'll find my niche eventually.

Haha ok guys, can't think of anything left to say. If I'm not too sleepy, I'll let ya know how things go tomorrow but I doubt there'd be anything interesting. Not tomorrow at least. Maybe I'll update on Tuesday night (after I pack my bags X/) Haha k then, ciaoz

I told myself I haven't updated in ages so I should write something. Then I reread my posts and realized I just posted something a few days back...now I'm lazy. XD

Wellllll... I'm starting Uni in 5 days time. I'm beyond excited. Hahaha anyone else who lives online (Shu Whey, Aisyah, Li Chin) will probably testify to that. Haha (What to wear? What bag to use? Should I wear makeup? Should I hang with my old college mates on the first day or attack the friendship pool?) Haha yea...it's times like these I feel like a girl...finicky. Lolz... Still really excited though. One week has never passed any slower. Haha give it a month or two, I'd be begging for classes to end.

(I have no idea what the hell is wrong with the Iphone 4 but I am going to kill someone soon)


Wow...Monash University student. Still can't believe it. I mean I'm 20. I don't feel old. Then again most, if not 99% of my friends already started Uni. I still can't believe it... I don't know what to expect honestly. I love how A-Levels was such a balance between school and uni that it may not even feel that big of a leap. Good god, projects... I really hope there are alot of group work because I may never remember to complete them on time. Nonono I bought the diary JUST so I can be more organized. List my to-do list and follow it. I'm not gonna screw med-school. Too pricey.

(I'm starving. Why didn't I eat dinner again? Right...because I had lunch at 4/5. X/) 


I'm even considering getting proper contacts and wearing them everyday...But I'm so lazy. I dunno whether it's because mine are korean made cheap knockoffs but my eyes are so tired by the end of the day. And if I dun wear them everyday, I really hardly ever touch them. I mean of course everyone looks better without glasses...but still...lazy. I don't think I look that different with or without glasses but of course I've memorized my face, of course I won't think that.

Ok I admit, there is a reason (other than laziness) why I'm not keen on wearing contacts and make-up (during the first week at least). For this I blame Taylor Swift or at least similar movies/videos etc. I'm not gonna maintain the makeup that's for sure. Lazy is not even begin to cover it. 2 weeks at the most. Y'know when you are used to seeing someone dressed well all the time and suddenly they don't it's like woah, what the hell happened? Vice versa for those who hardly dress up and suddenly do, it's like they clean up nicely. I dunno if I'm getting my point across but yea big reason why. In college it was fine cause my group of people wore glasses and didn't wear make-up so I fit in. I don't know what kind of friends I'm gonna make. Besides a certain friend of mine (who shall not be named but she knows who she is) wears makeup to college daily now...I kinda feel if she does it then why the bloody hell am I not. Haha...yea don't follow other people and all that shit but I dunno. Contacts or no contacts. Makeup of first 2 days or no makeup.... Decisions Decisions.

(Now I'm sure I'm hungry not bored. Too lazy to make something to eat. No CNY cookies left either... Yikes)


Haven't gotten any news from Maxis yet. I think I didn't get it. You can tell how selfish I am by being glad it didn't clash with my orientation week... Maybe I was a little over-confident. I kinda expected to go to the second round at least. At least even if I didn't get it then, it would mean that there simply are people better than me instead of me not being good enough. Stupid stupid stupid. The worse part is I can't think what I did wrong. I thought I did pretty well. I answered all the questions. Only stumbled at the change malaysia question. I asked her did how could I improve myself, she couldn't give me an answer so I assumed it meant I'd done well in her books. I guess I'm just not as good as I've been led to believe.

(My elbows are raw. i wonder if it's because they've been rubbing the leather for so long. I really should move.)


Well I guess that's it then. If I'm not sleepy I'd probably post something about orientation. Though I'd probably forget about it. The first day seems pretty boring but it's the second day I'm looking forward to.  Feel a bit weird about choosing my own timetable tho...or med students may not have it since we are not that big of a batch. I mean tutorials and lab, we are assigned so maybe thats the timetable we get to decide. Yikes, so not confident with my choosing abilities. Haha knowing me, I'd probably choose the times none of my friends go to. Ok then guyz, ciaoz.

Had an interesting convo about religion yesterday. Realized I sounded like an atheist. Haha I dunno why I said what I did. Secret thoughts or words of someone trying too hard. It wasn't even choosing the opposite side of the argument either cause it was a balanced side. Not even a debate, just venting.

"I think the world would be better without religion."
Paraphrasing of course but something like that. Of course it was the extremists on my mind but not my sole concern. Is this related to my anti-homophobia? Perhaps. Religion may not be the origin of homophobia (I don't think Buddhism is anti-homo but I've met many homophobes from there) but it's an excuse as well as a body to spread it.

I don't even know how I feel about the big man upstairs really. I don't think I anti-him. I'm not even sure if I disbelieve he exists but not in an agnostic sense. I dunno how to describe agnostic other than apathy about the big man and I think I'm too (as my horoscopes say) opinionated to rely on apathy. I don't like the whole there is nothing after you die thing which is honestly more depressing for me than hell is. (Not saying I'd prefer hell mind you. I can't even stand a puny needle)

Maybe it's cause I'm so used to being religious. I mean I don't think i was ever a mindless drone really. (Thanks to Prince of Egypt I always hated that particular story and my God could not possibly be like that.)  But I dunno... when something scares me (which is alot since I'm up alone at 3/4 most nights) I make the sign of the cross and a small prayer but... I honestly don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

I still identify myself as a Catholic I guess... but I'd probably call myself an Agnostic just because of the indecision even if that doesn't accurately define who I am. I think with or without religion I'm still the same person. Even during my 'religious' stages I never really thought, I'm not gonna have pre-marital sex because God says so but because it's not me, not my culture and not what I believe in. Even after I heard the whole no condom thing, I was like que sera sera, it's an odd rule after all.

I think people worry too much about what the big man upstairs think. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing, some actually try to be a better person because of it but I think it's really tiring mission. To get into the pearly gates I mean. I dunno, there's already enough of this life to worry about than to worry about the afterlife as well.

The problem about religion is that there is no one you can talk to about this. A religious person will try to convert you or tell you what you are doing wrong, same with Atheists(except they'll tell you, you are right on the road to sanity). The extremist of both batches hate each other so much but they have so much in common. Even agnostics I have tried to talk to haven't helped, and religion is such a sensitive subject that you can't say the wrong thing.

What if I choose not to care about the big man? Does that make me a hypocrite? Refusing to go to church because I feel nothing there but making a sign of the cross for comfort. I went for a couple of months being unreligious to a couple of months being religious. It was definitely less confusing then. I don't even scoff at the ridiculousness of the bible anymore I just don't care about it. I feel defensive when people attack catholics or even the pope but I can't help feel it's more of a reflex action or like it's a personal attack on me. I dunno...I'm so confused.

I don't love him.
I don't hate him.
I don't believe he's there.
I don't believe there's no God.
But I can't bring myself not to care.