Had an interesting convo about religion yesterday. Realized I sounded like an atheist. Haha I dunno why I said what I did. Secret thoughts or words of someone trying too hard. It wasn't even choosing the opposite side of the argument either cause it was a balanced side. Not even a debate, just venting.

"I think the world would be better without religion."
Paraphrasing of course but something like that. Of course it was the extremists on my mind but not my sole concern. Is this related to my anti-homophobia? Perhaps. Religion may not be the origin of homophobia (I don't think Buddhism is anti-homo but I've met many homophobes from there) but it's an excuse as well as a body to spread it.

I don't even know how I feel about the big man upstairs really. I don't think I anti-him. I'm not even sure if I disbelieve he exists but not in an agnostic sense. I dunno how to describe agnostic other than apathy about the big man and I think I'm too (as my horoscopes say) opinionated to rely on apathy. I don't like the whole there is nothing after you die thing which is honestly more depressing for me than hell is. (Not saying I'd prefer hell mind you. I can't even stand a puny needle)

Maybe it's cause I'm so used to being religious. I mean I don't think i was ever a mindless drone really. (Thanks to Prince of Egypt I always hated that particular story and my God could not possibly be like that.)  But I dunno... when something scares me (which is alot since I'm up alone at 3/4 most nights) I make the sign of the cross and a small prayer but... I honestly don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

I still identify myself as a Catholic I guess... but I'd probably call myself an Agnostic just because of the indecision even if that doesn't accurately define who I am. I think with or without religion I'm still the same person. Even during my 'religious' stages I never really thought, I'm not gonna have pre-marital sex because God says so but because it's not me, not my culture and not what I believe in. Even after I heard the whole no condom thing, I was like que sera sera, it's an odd rule after all.

I think people worry too much about what the big man upstairs think. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing, some actually try to be a better person because of it but I think it's really tiring mission. To get into the pearly gates I mean. I dunno, there's already enough of this life to worry about than to worry about the afterlife as well.

The problem about religion is that there is no one you can talk to about this. A religious person will try to convert you or tell you what you are doing wrong, same with Atheists(except they'll tell you, you are right on the road to sanity). The extremist of both batches hate each other so much but they have so much in common. Even agnostics I have tried to talk to haven't helped, and religion is such a sensitive subject that you can't say the wrong thing.

What if I choose not to care about the big man? Does that make me a hypocrite? Refusing to go to church because I feel nothing there but making a sign of the cross for comfort. I went for a couple of months being unreligious to a couple of months being religious. It was definitely less confusing then. I don't even scoff at the ridiculousness of the bible anymore I just don't care about it. I feel defensive when people attack catholics or even the pope but I can't help feel it's more of a reflex action or like it's a personal attack on me. I dunno...I'm so confused.

I don't love him.
I don't hate him.
I don't believe he's there.
I don't believe there's no God.
But I can't bring myself not to care.