Day 2 — Your Crush

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Dear Whoever You Are,
Hi, my name is Charmaine Chua. I doubt you know me or notice me. It doesn't really matter who you are either. It has always been the same story. I don't fall easily but I guess I crush like any other person. I never bother making a move because I know there's no point. You barely like me how can I ever expect you to love me? Maybe that's why I don't bother holding on the crushes and it looks like I have too many guys. I just never bothered with getting past the 'he's hot stage'.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Sometimes I let myself believe I have a chance with you. I've tried to get myself to talk to you but well I'm scared. I am well as anti-social as I can be and I don't really take first initiative. I get really happy if you just look at me and just say hi instead of me saying hello and you just replying for the sake of it, irritation in your heart.

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Everytime I get over you, you'd do something cool or you'd say something and I reenter this foolish, foolish cycle only to face disappointment once again. Sometimes it's easy and I know you just don't notice me. It's horrible though when I know you like one of my friends. It's life I guess. Who can blame them? They're wonderful, beautiful...I'm not. Plain and simple. Doesn't matter who; doesn't matter whether they return. It's the simple truth: It's just not me.

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

I guess sometimes I wonder who's it gonna be tomorrow? It scares me knowing that anyone of you could develop like last time and become horribly disasterous. We all know how it turned out the last time. I guess I won't let it happen. I won't give my heart to you. I'll leave my love for night-time fantasies and celebrities. For fictional men who will never break my heart. It's not your fault, I'm not blaming you. It's me...I'm broken.

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

Here's where I end this letter I guess. There's nothing left for me to say not really. No matter what I say I'd always place my hope on you. That you'd be the one who would save me. To mend all the broken pieces. I'd always dream and I'd always hope. Hope...that's the only thing that drives a human being isn't it? What are we without hope but soulless creatures? What are we? What am I?

Yours trully,
Charmaine Chua