I wanna quit med school.

XD

Well now that's I've caught your attention, here's what I wanna say. I wanna quit med school. XD

No...not really. I mean I've made it this far, I won't turn back now. 

But... I kinda wished I'd known I was an INFP long ago and accepted how I was. I would have known so long ago that all my extroverted behaviors were me being gripped by my shadow self. I mean truthfully, school was a challenging time for me esp as an introvert, and my shadow type/self just took over without me knowing. Like literally, I can't imagine myself being a choleric at all. I can't believe I used to (think I) liked being in a leadership position. Like I can actually imagine all that being a nightmare for me now. I mean don't get me wrong, my shadow self probably do come out now and again but not so much that I believe it's my whole personality.

Which brings me back to what a nightmare talking to people are. Just two weeks holiday and I'm already unable to talk to patients again. (Not that I was any better towards the end of last sem but it wasn't so bad seriously. Like it didn't take me that long to get the courage to approach the patient.) Today? OMG It took my forever to approach anyone and I hated it so much. I just wanted to run away so bad. It's like I'm back in frist week again.

I dunno if it's me never realizing how hard it was for me to talk to people or me just not realizing how much human interaction I'd have before entering med school. I keep telling myself it'd be better when I actually become a doctor since patients would be approaching me, not the other way around...but I really don't know. I'm actually tempted to specialize in anaesthesia so I'd never have to face another patient again. 

I'd actually thought I'd gotten ok at it already. I mean this is only a 2 week break. Am I gonna face this again after raya? 

Argh I hate being distracted in between blogging now I lost the mood to type. 

I dunno lar... the strange thing was a month (or two) ago my friend asked me if I could go back in time and warn myself against being a med student, would I? I told her I didn't know and probably not. Now the answer has gone the opposite direction. Like even though I still have no idea what else I would have done if I didn't take this field, it feels like anything would be better than this. 

(I still find it so strange I type with my left hand normally and with only my index finger on my right. Haiz)

And housemanship....I'm seriously dreading that. Like... it litterally is just clerking patients and being yelled and questioned by whoevers above you. Like seriously, I can't imagine a nightmare worse than that. 2 years is a seriously long time. 

And half the time I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a doctor. I mean even removing everything about studies (which I am seriously lacking in and I just blank out when questioned). Half the time I think I'm too soft to be a doctor, other half I think I'm too unfeeling. I don't know if it's just my imagination or if I think too much some of the time but... Honestly though I don't know what makes a good doctor. Because I can't imagine caring for your patient without CARING for your patient (like getting emotionally involved and all that). Simultaneously, I can't imagine caring for my patients and getting emotionally involved with them. I dunno if it's cause the patients I meet now are just people I interview and not actually MY patients. 

I honestly don't know... I mean I can't say I'm stuck because I really don't plan to quit anymore. But... how would I deal with this nightmare. When I actually become a doctor... would it still feel this shitty? I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't do anything about it anymore. I guess I should just soldier on...

Anime Us

 

Tried to get it to look like me as much as possible. Too bad there were no weight options xD 

Wanted to make something more anime-ish, turned out a bit bishou-ny so decided to make a guy instead. Cute neh? XD

Well next I tried Anime Luigi. Didn't turn out half bad thought I'd wish they'd let me make him angrier. The apron thing looked weird but it was the closest I could get to an ascot xD.

Alucia. Sorta. XD

Yes as you can see I'm doing all I can not to study. xD

Type 4s

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Source: http://www.9types.com/descr/4/

Birthdays and Facebook

The annoying thing about changing my blog url is I seriously can't remember what it is. Like I have to log on to blogger.com now if I wanna find it. I wonder if anyone can find it anymore. xD But I guess it's better for this post since I'm posting it way earlier than it should be. xD

The thing is for a long time I wanted to take down my birthday from my fb page but I never got around to doing it. I mean I dun mind putting it back up like after my birthday but just around my birthday I wanted to take it down. I mean, I know a lot of people do it, trying to see which of their friends 'remember' their birthday. The thing is, I'm one of those people who NEVER remembers anyone's birthday. Maybe last time, before the time of handphone reminders and facebook, I could remember a couple but the rest, forget it.

Even so, I always wanted to do it, just to see who remembered. Actually no, not really. Not to see who remembered, whether the ones that were important enough remembered. I mean, I dunno, I think anyone who's taken off the birthday from FB would understand. I was never the type to go around butthurt when no one remembered when's my birthday when the question came up, cause my memory was easily the worst. But i tried to always make sure (recently at least) that the when it came close to the month, to ensure that we had something planned.

So I guess I expect the same in return at least.

The problem is, I'm actually terrified that no one will remember. The thing is that like I said, I'd expect the same. So I'd rather that they remember last minute/on that day through facebook then not remember at all. I don't think I'd recover after that kind of disappointment. (Well I always say that but I seem to be annoyingly more stronger than I think I am)

The thing is this year is totally different. Well I say this year but it's more of a couple of days thing. For any of you who follow my blog but haven't caught up with me, I'm currently staying away from home for Uni. So it so happens, I have no class for my birthday and so I can go home for the weekend or so. And so because of the long hols I spoiled my friend's birthday plans for me (so yes, they did remember) but I decided heading home was so much more important and it must have been some weird fate thing that cancelled all my classes for my birthday and the day after. ^_^ So I dunno, I dun really care so much if they dun celebrate for me since I won't be here for so long nor do I really care if my group doesn't remember cause I didn't really tell them I would be going back.

So this year will be the year I finally take off my birthday from fb. I guess I'll be too happy being back home to actually bother who remembered and who didn't. And honestly, getting birthday wishes from people I've never spoken to before or barely know or lost contact with in years annoys me. Yes, bitchy I know. But I dunno, I've made it a point to only wish people on my FB notification that I actually am close/still talk to/in my uni (and that's rather variable too). I dunno, I guess it relates back to the whole 'not wanting people who don't actually care about me at my funeral' (wow that would be a rather empty funeral, wouldn't it). But I dunno, to me wishing me or even being the first to wish me on my birthday (if im not really close to you) doesn't prove you care about me. Just proves that you are on FB way too much but I digress.

Actually, I dunno what's the point of this post honestly. I just had the idea to write. Haha I don't think I've written so much in so long. @_@ This is Med School. Or maybe it's just me. I don't write anything about moving to a new city or life there but instead I write a long musing on taking down my birthday from fb.

So...hows life?

I guess the basic summary would be:

• There's way more time then I thought. 
• Like seriously, I have what, 1 class a day.
• I think I sleep much more than I did at home.
• If I thought I rarely studied before, this is worse because there is kinda no classes and no notes. 
• I don't hate talking to patients so much anymore (still hate it but dun feel er... can't describe it... just me overreading stuff I guess).
• I'm really sick of maggi mee and soup.
• I've become much less fussier with food. (Vegetables and spicy food still scare me though)
• Never noticed the amount of social interaction I needed before I begin feeling weird.
• Unfortunately my brand of social interactions involve other people talking and me listening and maybe adding a bit here and there which makes people annoyed with me cause I wanted the 'talking session'.
• I'm so sick of walking. 
• Is there anything else?
• I'm so sick of seeing the same 14 people everyday.
• Ok I kid but seriously, you don't see anyone else besides your housemates and your group members
• I zon out alot.
• Yes I know this is nothing new but I think it's an achievement to consistently doing it standing up. 
• As my group mate asked me (and I wonder the same thing), is there actually a class I pay attention to?
• Yes this is generally what my notes look like so this is what my summary will look like.
• Can't think of anything to add.
• I realize I'm a very honest and straightforward person.
• What? Me? Really?
• Yea, I dun really hide things from people. But they need to ask me first, I won't say it out of nowhere.
• I'm (still) extremely desperate to get a boyfriend. xD
• I was promised boyfriends in Uni
• Hellooooooo I'm still single
• Ahem, sorry. Might be a bit high. 
• No idea why.
• You know what? I should try blogging drunk one time and see what turns up.
• I need an opportunity to get drunk first though
• Meh, that's all I can think off...
• K. Hopefully I'll update soon. 
• I know. I know. My last (real) post was ages ago.
• Never really had the mood for writing though
• K then, see ya soon. :)
• Byez

I feel like shit today and I don't know why.

I mean yea I had a pretty crappy day but not one where I get severely pissed off or emo. It's just a series of bad luck?

So I dunno why I feel so weird. I can't even describe the feeling. Something just feels wrong and I can't find a way to fix it. Like i dun have the mood to do anything. And I went out earlier cause I thought it might be my social interaction quota hasn't been fulfilled.

(Might still be the reason. Didn't really interact much even though I 'went out' but what else is new? Seriously thought it would help but it just ended with me standing around awkwardly as usual.)

It just feels so weird. I can't even put the feeling into words. I thought maybe blogging about it would get some of the feels out but seriously not helping.

I'm just going round and round, saying the same thing again and again.

Just forget it.

Maybe I'm just lonely, I dunno. Just, I dunno. I need something. I just dunno what yet.