Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

Hey everyone! It's my birthday! Wiipee........ **** it, it's the worst birthday ever. I'm so tired. I tried to give myself the best birthday present ever. I told the guy I liked, I liked him. He didn't give any reaction at all so I turned and ran. As Steph won't fail to remind me 'like a 3-grade kid'. It was so stupid. Shit!

Just some wishful drinking on my- part,
wishful thinking from my- heart.
Wasted spinning of my brain inside my head

This guy is a close friend of mine. So I was so worried that y'know our friendship will dissolve if he rejects me. So I told him be4 I told him I liked him that no matter what I say we should still be friends. So he tries...it feels fake...even what I say feels fake. Like we're trying too hard. I know it'll take some time but I don't want our friendship to fade. I know he feels awkward but I dun understand. He knew a mutual friend of ours used to like him and their close as ever. Could we be the same? I'm so scared.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don 't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Sometimes I'd feel like blaming Steph but I know it's not her fault. I shouldn't have told her i should have just lied. Before anyone knew I managed to tell myself I was only in love with the idea of liking him. But when I told the girls, it felt real and that drove me to tell him. I even saw signs that were never there. He sounded jealous when I professed my undying love to Adam (American Idol) but I guess I read the signals wrong. He's probably disgusted that I like a gay guy.

I can't continue anymore. I've never really cried over a guy before...I just did. I don't know why it hurts so much. It shouldn't...it's just a stupid crush...I feel so confused and sad. I'm half glad 2moro is Saturday so I don't have to face him. I just hope he can forget it over the weekend and everything can go back to normal. I was so stupid to think he'd like me I mean who would ever like me? I'm a fat, ugly, cursing bitch. Who could ever care?

I can't believe I'm quoting an Avenue Q song but it's so true especially the bolded ones.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.