Haha I finally have inspiration of the third post in my 'weird series'. (Yes that's what i'm gonna call it until I find a better name for it. XD) Haha again, don't read it if you don't want to. I still dunno where I'm going with this but it fulfils my writing needs. And it pisses Alucia off. I'm kidding...or am I? XD

"Don't do it." I looked up at Alucia staring at me, a rare look in her eyes. "I know what you are thinking, don't do it."

I raised an eyebrow and ran through my most recent thoughts. Mostly it was filled with thoughts of the upcoming exams. "What you going on about?"

She laid next to me, refusing to break eye contact. "You've gone through so much worse without relapsing. This is not worth it."

Relapsing? I-oh... I gave her a smile, it came out more forced than it ought to be. "It was just a passing thought. Relax. I'm not that stressed." 'Not yet.' was laid unspoken between us. She knew all my thoughts.

Even so, she stared at me, looking for any trace of lies on my face. I was always a poor liar, a good snarker perhaps, but a horrid liar. She seemed satisfied and her eyes turned cold. "Good."

"Why Alucia, it's nice to know you care." I said with a smirk.

Anger flashed in her eyes but I saw through their falseness. "It's our body you are damaging." I may not share her thoughts as she did mine but Alucia was an open book. The anger and her words were false.

I rolled my eyes, "My body. You are just the passenger remember?"

A quick look of hurt passed Alucia's face and my brows furrowed in confusion. She turned to rise before turning to me suddenly a grabbing my chin. "I know I'm tough on you but it's really ok if you screw up. I'm not going to blame you."

A lump entered my throat but I didn't say anything. Previous failures flashed through my head and I squeezed my eyes shut to force them out. A hesitant arm reached out to stroke my head before pulling me into a hug. "Alucia, I'm fine. Promise." I didn't know why I said my next words and I would regret it in the morning but it just came out and I sort of meant it. "I won't fail. I won't disappoint you. Promise."

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say 

Remember two posts ago I was talking about someone who was grating on my nerves? Not the one who wouldn't shut up, the other one. The passive aggressive dominant. I was convinced she was choleric but now I realize I should hope she isn't. Cause if she is, she can take my place with ease and I'd be alone again.

I know my blog's connected to my fb (i think) so I don't want to say much cause I dunno who can be reading. I've been reading my friend's blogs and I envy how much time they spend on it. My blog is just my personal diary. So I hate it when I have to sensor myself but I've no choice. Can't let certain people read it. No one from Uni reads this (for now) and I have a general idea of who views my blog now so no worries.

I miss writing. I haven't written in ages. I feel like getting crazy about Repo again just so I can write more stories. But nah, no time to write. Exam's in two weeks time. Or one, depends on when u count a week end.  Haha, I'm getting my gang to watch Repo! even if I'm not as in to it but hey who knows, after a rewatch I may be crazy about it again. Bill/Ogre XD I love my friends' reaction to Paris Hilton. Hey I didn't know she was Amber Sweet until the credits so I know the feeling. Haha

I watched Hunger Games that day. Not bad esp considering movies nowadays but I can't help but compare it to Battle Royale. I couldn't stand the hero and heroine of Battle Royale but it's the minor characters that really moved the story. Suicide, betrayal etc I could see that happening. Hunger Games... it was hard to call the characters believable. They seem to kill really easily without any 'care' at all. The bloodthirstier ones from the richer districts I get but not the others. And all the outside influences spoilt the game for me. I get that they want to concentrate on the 'reality tv' thing and less on the 'game' but nah I just didn't like that from the show.

Next week is full of cafe food. WHY???? I need more 2 hour breaks. I can't stand the cafe food any longer. Maybe I should just go lunchbox by myself if the others don't want to risk it. I'm really really fed up of cafe food that I might actually go mad. xD

Haha nothing much to say really. I had to update cause Pik Ee updated hers. xD So yea, Aisyah go update yours! And er...that's all I guess. Nightz

I'm half asleep. That much I can promise you. How am I coping with life? It's been life... I stress out much much easier now. I had presentations 3 days in a row...That was stressful. I have no research skills that much I can promise you. I have no idea what to do when my assignments come. Que Sera Sera?

Mmn slipped back into my (default) Melancholic mode today. My friend kept asking me whether I was sick. Lolz? I guess that is a testament of how Sanguine I've been the last couple of weeks. (Well choleric as well but I'm always choleric.) Haha I'm zoning out more and more... But I'm used to that. Maybe I have ADD. Haha That day in class I decided to list the punishments in each level of hell in Dante's Inferno... Random much?

Yea I know I've been talking about the same things over and over again. Stress and zoning out. But it seems to be a staple in my life. It's become a long tedious routine. Classes, come home, get on the comp, do 'homework' and by then I'm too tired to think and bed. That's all my life is. Why am I here again? Honestly until now, I have no idea why I'm in this course but I don't regret anything specific yet, just the amount to study and the stress.

I'm surrounded by Type A personalities. That's expected of course in Med course. I think almost everyone is Type A. It's really stressful to be surrounded by stressed out people. Honestly, I think people stress me out more than the work or myself. The selfish kiasuness is not obvious (not yet), but the other sort of kiasuness is obviously there and like everyone has it. Again, I guess you have to have some sort of kiasuness to get into Med school I guess but again, big stress factors.

Haha listening to Ohgr again. Miss his songs. Such a refreshing change to pop songs. But still, not the kind of artist I'd randomly introduce to my friends. AND Devil's Carnival. I really really wanna watch that. I dunno how long more before they come out but DAMNIT I don't wanna wait. Doesn't matter I dunno the main actors, I've perfect confidence the writers and directors would make characters that I'd like. They made me like Paris Hilton for heaven's sake. I still think that's some form of a miracle.

My eyes are closing. I still dunno what I'm doing here in Med course. I'm still not the constant study type. I reallt don't think I can cope when the workload starts piling up. I'm just glad for a great team I guess. They will help when I need it even the (what I thought) were the more kiasu ones. I'm still worried I'm not fitting in as much as I think I am. I'm definitely more comfortable here than I was in A-levels initially...but it seems I'm the only one who thinks so... Again I dun think I'm fitting in as well as I think or expect, (I always suspected I never fitted in to Tea Party and I was right wasn't I? I was the odd man out...always has been. My current group has all 4 temperaments. I hope that actually helps in things but I'm still scared.

It's either that time of month or I'm sinking back to emo mode. I need something to fangirl over. Anything for distraction. SHERLOCK, I NEED SEASON 3!!!!!!!! Or Devil's Carnival but thats gonna take awhile to come out. K guyz, I'm still half asleep and I really need to go. Byez!!!!

I really can't remember how I was in A-Levels but I don't remember acting so... 'sanguine' then, not at the start I mean. I was really melancholic in A-Levels...except for a few emo moments my melancholicness seems to have all but vanished. (Yea I know, I seem to be speaking in a foreign language). I've been really animated lately, and I don't get that way unless you are talking about something I'm crazy about (and that's if my melancholicness haven't set in).

There may actually be one more person popping up in my group that is going to grate on my last nerves but I think I can tahan that person at least lar. Typical dominant (a bit passive aggresive) types who I totally bet have no idea they are dominant and will be insulted or look for 'support' if I tell them that. I'll just give it more time and see how things go. The other person I could generally ignore but this person is a little harder. Que Sera Sera

Lolz Sanzo and Gojyo is not supposed to get along but my Gojyo is a cancer so technically I'm supposed to. @_@ The 2 aquarius which I'm not supposed to get along with is Hakkai and Goku and we know what a softie Sanzo is. >_> Lolz ok fine...I've gone from a little obsessed to WAY overboard... It's my Melancholic side, I swear. (Ooo speaking of Sanzo, maybe I should get a giant fan to hit on someone's head to shut them up... Ok wow @_@ too many someones. LOLZ but kinda obvious who).

Cholerics may not realise or admit that they are in fact choleric; this seems to be relatively common for some reason. Perhaps they feel that it sounds BAD to be choleric and don't want to sound BAD?

This is common for a lot of cholerics really though I have no idea why. I'm proud to be a choleric (most of my favourite characters are choleric (or melancholic but I digress)). Cholerics get off their asses and do something instead of sitting around on their butts and whining about the problem all day. THEN AGAIN, the above statement might be because most cholerics don't know or refuse to admit their own weaknesses. It takes a semi-melancholic like me to break out of that trap at least. I know my weaknesses and I don't mind admitting some of them. Haha I know my strengths too but er...admitting them is kinda a bit perasan so I dun think it's good mentioning them, neh?

They are not always openly proud, strong, confident leader types who happily jump to the front to command everyone. 

Unfortunately... I used to I think... but after the bad experiences I've had, I'm happy to be in the background or second in command chain. I just don't like the limelight and all that. Neh, melancholic part I guess. My tutor was like 'this girl is very observant', and I could literally hear my choleric and melancholic side arguing. "Yay she noticed me for something good." "Yea way to go shoving us into the limelight." And my eyes was on the ground and I hope I was blushing if not I'd probably look very arrogant...

Haha still trying to figure out how to balance my two sides esp with all this sanguine traits coming in. I'm trying to figure out the zonning out is which personality, cause it sure in hell ain't Choleric. Meh...it's probably my INFP and the whole building stories/daydreaming thing.

Ok I dunno where else my chain of thoughts was supposed to go but I'm sleepy. I better go to sleep. Night guyz... whoever is left....

Wow I didn't know so many of my friends (same age) got married. O_O Haha I still feel REALLY young so I just can't imagine it. I've mentioned time and time again, I don't feel 20. I don't think any of my classmates really feel 20. Haha I've long accepted I'd be about 28-30 when I get married (if I get lucky that is. I'm going to end up a lonely old cat lady, I know it). That's about 10 years. That's a LONG way more. 10 years ago we were in primary school still.

I'm not judging them or anything I just can't imagine getting married so young. Or having kids. X/ I like kids (maybe) but I'm gonna really enjoy my life before I have them. There are advantages of having kids young (like being able to see your great grandkids or even grandkids with the amount of diseases going about now). But nah, I can't imagine having kids so soon. Maybe before my biological clock expires and all that.

Then again, I wouldn't mind adopting kids either. I mean I'm female so there's no carrying on the generation stuff that people seems to love. And it's not like you can't love someone elses kid. So yea, even if I end up a lonely old cat lady, I don't see why I can't have kids.

Yes, I'm a Taurus. I like to eat. That much is evident from my size. Please don't spend 400-600 on shopping and books and whatever else and call me spendthrift when I want spend a bit more for food. We can compare our monthly spending, I guarantee mine is lesser than yours.

I can't say I hate Med school but if I'm stressing out in the first week, you know there's a problem somewhere. I'm not even stressing for the right reasons I guess. Almost (I say almost because I'm holding out for more people like me) everyone here are those people you see at the top of your class. The people constantly studying even without any exams coming. I hate it... I feel like I should study but you know me.

Lazy to type more lar. Still not in any mood actually. I will see how life goes lar. I won't be surprised if I fail the first exam. :( i hope my parents are still not hoping for the first class honors.

Sleepy.

Haha yea taking a break from the weird posts thingy but I'm not gonna say much. I'm too sleepy to think right now. We had Batch Rep voting yesterday. I think I voted for the right person. My other choice kinda disappointed me today and I can't say anything that would not make this obvious so I'm not gonna say anything. I have perfect confidence in the male rep I voted for, though I think he knows who he is and his ego is gonna swell after he reads this. >_> No one give him a link to my blog. Haha I'm kinda surprised I didn't want to run for batch rep though, I guess that's good. I mean it would look good on my resume and all that but nah. Too much bad experience. I just want to enjoy myself now.

Sleepy.

Mmn I signed up for the Uni Magazine and gave them a link to my blog. I really should write something nice for them to accept me but I'm too tired after coming back late everyday. I joined 5 clubs. X/ Big mistake. I think I'm gonna drop Anime club. Honestly not into anime anymore but it's the cosplaying that should be fun. X/ Haha decisions, decisions.

SHIT! I have this horrible cough and I have a singing performance 2moro. I am screwed. I should pull out lar... If I cough into the mic, no one needs to sing d. They won't be able to hear anyone else. Gargh, my throat is so itchy.

I miss writing but no inspiration... The only writing I've done is the last 2 weird posts. I actually had a couple more posts planned out but for reasons I (may or may not) disclose later, they are not very suitable. Either to the theme I've been trying to get or because of the above reason. Why is there no creative writing club in Monash? Ok fine, I can't write on prompts, only on sudden inspiration but still...it should be fun. Mmn my muse won't leave me alone... Tell her/him/it I'm too sleepy to write anything coherent. X/ I shouldn't have made it verse by verse, now there's too many parts to write. Maybe I'll just get through the chorus once. X/ I just re-read the first part, and it looks like it's gonna end up a love story... X/ LOLZ?

K lar. I'm lazy and sleepy d. I think I'm gonna go sleep if I can get the mood to get myself off this couch. X/ K lar guyz. Nightz

'The Only Time She Told Me She Hated Me Out Loud'

Sorry here's the next part. Again, I have very little idea what I'm going for here so you can bypass this if you want. Haven't written in ages so it might just be my muse acting up. Trigger: Suicide Ideation

Alucia never yelled; she was nothing like me. Hers was a cold anger, with a sharp tongue and cruel words. She was furious now, eyes ablaze and with a hint of the crude vulgarity she could only have picked up from me. "You lazy pig! You bitch! I hope you are happy now. You've ruined everything!"

I refused to look at her; I wouldn't have been able to see her if I tried, not with the tears clouding my vision. I pulled my legs closer to myself, perhaps understanding for once the need for the foetal position the characters in movies adopt.

"We could have gotten out of here. Everything you've wanted, we've wanted and worked for. How could you just ruin everything like that?"

"I'm sorry." I choked out. Feelings of utter helplessness and self-hatred engulfed me. I hadn't meant for it to turn out this way. I thought I did my best, I actually thought...

"You always do this. You always spoil anything possibly good in our life. You lazy, over-confident ass." Then she did what I never imagined she could, she began to cry. It was more tears of anger and frustration than tears of grief but they were tears none the less.

It was then perhaps I knew I had hit rock-bottom. I silenced a wail into my pillow. "I tr...ied. I really did." I knew I was trying to convince myself more than her. I had to.

"Look at me and repeat that. I know you, Alucia. I know everything that goes through your pathetic little head. This...don't give me the bullshit that you tried your best. You didn't do shit."

"Please stop." I sobbed into my pillow. No more. It didn't matter if it was the truth. I couldn't hear this anymore. I knew how badly I'd screwed up. It hurt too much to think about it anymore but she won't let me stop but I deserved it. I deserved every inch of her verbal beatdown.

She laughed and more tears fell from her eyes. "I hate you. You are a total and utter failure. I hate you. I don't even care about them, about your family and I already know what a disappointment you are. I feel sorry for them." She paused, perhaps to catch her breath but I could hear her mind turning from here to deal the perfect final blow. "Go kill yourself. You said you were going to right? Two years ago, for less, for much less. Go, go kill yourself and save everyone so much grief and disappointment."

She left but her words haunted the air. In my mind's eye, I saw it. A knife and two perfect slices across my wrists. It would be so easy and everything would stop. This pain would stop, her voice would stop. But I didn't move, I wasn't going to do it, I knew myself that well at least. I was too much of a coward. I hugged myself tighter as the sobbing started afresh.

And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth

An Innocent Chat

First off, I just want to say this is not a blog entry. Well I mean it is but not an entry exactly, if you get me. It's not really a story either. It's just some random writings. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. Even I have very little idea about what this is about. (Might actually be the first in a long series of posts...Sorry)


"It's the 10th time you heard this song. Aren't you bored?"

"No."

"Do you have to listen to the songs we like a million times until we get bored of it in the same week."

"Yes."

"Alucia-"

"Not Alucia."

"-it'd be nice to actually have songs to listen to every now and then. Yes, I am getting bored of Thousand Years."

She ignored me as usual. She's been calling me Alucia for ages, I never understood why. It's the only thing she's ever called me. "It's nice for plotting."

I didn't look at her but I could feel her eyeroll. "Right, your stories are crap. Especially the ones you form in your head. Mary Sue much?" She zoned out a little, "Mmn, Insanity of Grief was favourited."

"I know. No reviews though. Would love to know how to improve."

She rolled her eyes, "Right. You'd take it as a personal attack and emo. Your stories suck by the way. How did you even get a positive review is beyond me."

I gritted my teeth but ignored her.

"Are you sure they like you?" I was about to ask who she was talking about when a couple of faces flashed in my mind. "Then again they might, they don't know you yet. How long do you think they'd last?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Fuck off. Not in the mood."

She smirked, "Do they know how much you curse? Do they know what a bitch you are in your head? Well...at least you think it's in your head. Wanna ask your old classmates? How many of them liked you again?"

"I had a good time. Don't spoil my mood."

"Riiiiiiight and how many people did you impose on to 'have fun'? How many of them actually enjoyed your company?"

"I told you to piss off."

She grabbed my wrist, "No one likes you. Not even..." She trailed off.

Not even you. I tugged my hand back. "I know..." A glance back to the screen, "Anything to watch? I'm bored." She went on, on shows I'd load but end up not watching. Alucia hated me. It was something I knew all along. It didn't surprise me or even make me upset, don't get me wrong. She was very vocal of her distaste for me. I don't know why I'm sad though. I hate her too right?

Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you

HEYA!!!!!!

Sitting in the Uni library now. Haha I'm early to class. Mwahahahahahaha. Don't get used to it. Haha it's almost the end of the first week of Monash and to quote another blog I read some time ago, I can't believe I've been a Med Student for 2 weeks.

I think I'll start with the life. It doesn't seem so bad after I settle down a little. At first I was going mad because of the amount of prescribed reading we had to do but once I actually got the books it was almost the same notes as the lecturer. I think the lecturer even used the same book. >_> So far it's been mostly lectures. As usual, for anyone who knows me, I keep zoning out. I can't concentrate on most of the lectures. Thank God the post up lecturer notes and that most of what we learned is same/easier than A-Levels (for now). I really can't concentrate. It's either zoning out, or doing other work, or facebooking. LOLZ But yea... scared that this will continue.

Hmn what else. Oh we had our first Clinical class this week. Mostly they just taught us how to talk/interview the patient. It's kinda intimidating and there's a strict guideline on the procedure so I'm scared I miss something. But it's only the first class so maybe it gets better. Speaking of clinical, we are going to a clinic in 2 weeks time. SCARY!!!!! I don't think I'm ready to talk to patients yet. Or maybe it's just literal visiting, I dunno but it's still scary as hell. Sorry, introvert, though my friends would probably disagree but my tutors would agree. Haha I really should participate more in class. Thing is I have to turn the sentence a couple times in my head, make sure it's fine and it doesn't sound stupid. By then, someone else would have spewed the answer.

OR we have a complete (insert random curse word) in our group that doesn't give anyone else the chance to speak. Ok I'm not gonna post the link on FB so hopefully that someone doesn't notice but I needed to get that out. I mean literally no one else has the chance to speak with that person around. But other than this person I absolutely LOVE my PBL group. Haha they are also my 'gang' at the moment so yea. AND THEY READ!!! LOLZ I mean I have found something in common with them. Haha crazy about Final Fantasy; they read Sherlock Holmes & Harry Potter, they can't stand Twillight or Korean shows. AND KARAOKE. LOLZ It's like I'm in heaven. Haha Definitely making friends faster than I expected (well friends to me, dunno about them, haha). I know it will be 3-6 months more but I just can't bare the thought of changing groups. Haha more friends but I get along with everyone in my group and we all have good chemistry. Haha THEN AGAIN, everyone may just hate me and I didn't know it like the certain someone I talked about earlier.

Alright then class is gonna start soon. Very short day today then KARAOKE!!!! Mwahahahahahaha My duet partner ffk today. :( Doubt anyone else knows how to sing Time To Say Goodbye. Oh well. Forever Solo. Haha not gonna used Forever Alone and tempt fate. Haha I think I might actually be happy here. :)

Tomorrow's the big day. Haha made the mistake of not reminding my mom to wake me up for lunch so now, I think I'm only gonna sleep at 5am. Yikes. Yea, that's my timetable for you. I blame Sherlock, rewatching it kept me up the whole night.

So conclusion of all that fussing on what to wear for Uni, I've decided (drum roll) Jeans, T-shirt/blouse, shoes and no make-up or contacts. LOLZ What I usually wear for college anyway. A bit hard when asking for opinion. My mom kept complaining why I want to dress so nice, my bros ke ep asking me to dress nicer. X/ Thanks... I miss having friends going that I can bug the whole night before about what they are wearing.

I'm dressing up for second day though, dress (not really), contacts and make-up. Since we are taking pictures for our ID and the orientation is seperated to course based, might as well look good. I just don't want to attract the wrong crowd though, as in those who care alot about how they dress, look etc. Not that there's anything wrong with them, I just think it's too tiring (for me) to keep up. Then again, my college gang turned me into a girl. I never bothered with things like toning and moisturising among other things until I met them. Not exactly a bad thing but I dunno. If my friends dress up, I will too and again too much work and care for my part that I can't stand.

Urgh had a long discussion about religion with my mom the other day. I think she's not gonna force me to go to church anymore if I don't want to. But... I know if I leave the church now, I'd leave it for good. Just a feeling, at least if I keep going back there is always a chance my faith will come back. I told my mom clearly that once I go to JB I know I'm probably never gonna drag myself to church (too lazy among other things). Like I said in my previous post, I just don't care I guess. I do think there is someone upstairs, a god, a higher power, fate etc. I just don't believe that he is really that person from the bible or the torah or the quran or the scriptures nor do I believe that he isn't. And that is the extent of religion, there is a God, fullstop. Anything else doesn't really matter, not to me at least.

Well I guess that's all that's left to update. I'm hungry alot now I realize...maybe it's just my clock being upside down. Urgh I have no idea how to deal with the time but I guess I'll adjust. I still haven't decided whether to hang with anyone tomorrow or attack out on my own. I mean first day is a little hard to find coursemates since everyone is in the same hall. So cruel or pessimistic as it is, making friends from another course is a waste of time since you'd probably never talk to each other again. Same school might be ok but I'm leaning on same course.

Oooo now I found out that at camp we are going to be grouped with our PCL (similar to PBL) group mates I'm rather pleased. I think we will have no choice but to actually make friends with our group then since we will be together for the whole sem. It does do a little ganging a bit early, but haha I just want friends, I'm not gonna complain. I think it will take awhile but I'll find my niche eventually.

Haha ok guys, can't think of anything left to say. If I'm not too sleepy, I'll let ya know how things go tomorrow but I doubt there'd be anything interesting. Not tomorrow at least. Maybe I'll update on Tuesday night (after I pack my bags X/) Haha k then, ciaoz

I told myself I haven't updated in ages so I should write something. Then I reread my posts and realized I just posted something a few days back...now I'm lazy. XD

Wellllll... I'm starting Uni in 5 days time. I'm beyond excited. Hahaha anyone else who lives online (Shu Whey, Aisyah, Li Chin) will probably testify to that. Haha (What to wear? What bag to use? Should I wear makeup? Should I hang with my old college mates on the first day or attack the friendship pool?) Haha yea...it's times like these I feel like a girl...finicky. Lolz... Still really excited though. One week has never passed any slower. Haha give it a month or two, I'd be begging for classes to end.

(I have no idea what the hell is wrong with the Iphone 4 but I am going to kill someone soon)


Wow...Monash University student. Still can't believe it. I mean I'm 20. I don't feel old. Then again most, if not 99% of my friends already started Uni. I still can't believe it... I don't know what to expect honestly. I love how A-Levels was such a balance between school and uni that it may not even feel that big of a leap. Good god, projects... I really hope there are alot of group work because I may never remember to complete them on time. Nonono I bought the diary JUST so I can be more organized. List my to-do list and follow it. I'm not gonna screw med-school. Too pricey.

(I'm starving. Why didn't I eat dinner again? Right...because I had lunch at 4/5. X/) 


I'm even considering getting proper contacts and wearing them everyday...But I'm so lazy. I dunno whether it's because mine are korean made cheap knockoffs but my eyes are so tired by the end of the day. And if I dun wear them everyday, I really hardly ever touch them. I mean of course everyone looks better without glasses...but still...lazy. I don't think I look that different with or without glasses but of course I've memorized my face, of course I won't think that.

Ok I admit, there is a reason (other than laziness) why I'm not keen on wearing contacts and make-up (during the first week at least). For this I blame Taylor Swift or at least similar movies/videos etc. I'm not gonna maintain the makeup that's for sure. Lazy is not even begin to cover it. 2 weeks at the most. Y'know when you are used to seeing someone dressed well all the time and suddenly they don't it's like woah, what the hell happened? Vice versa for those who hardly dress up and suddenly do, it's like they clean up nicely. I dunno if I'm getting my point across but yea big reason why. In college it was fine cause my group of people wore glasses and didn't wear make-up so I fit in. I don't know what kind of friends I'm gonna make. Besides a certain friend of mine (who shall not be named but she knows who she is) wears makeup to college daily now...I kinda feel if she does it then why the bloody hell am I not. Haha...yea don't follow other people and all that shit but I dunno. Contacts or no contacts. Makeup of first 2 days or no makeup.... Decisions Decisions.

(Now I'm sure I'm hungry not bored. Too lazy to make something to eat. No CNY cookies left either... Yikes)


Haven't gotten any news from Maxis yet. I think I didn't get it. You can tell how selfish I am by being glad it didn't clash with my orientation week... Maybe I was a little over-confident. I kinda expected to go to the second round at least. At least even if I didn't get it then, it would mean that there simply are people better than me instead of me not being good enough. Stupid stupid stupid. The worse part is I can't think what I did wrong. I thought I did pretty well. I answered all the questions. Only stumbled at the change malaysia question. I asked her did how could I improve myself, she couldn't give me an answer so I assumed it meant I'd done well in her books. I guess I'm just not as good as I've been led to believe.

(My elbows are raw. i wonder if it's because they've been rubbing the leather for so long. I really should move.)


Well I guess that's it then. If I'm not sleepy I'd probably post something about orientation. Though I'd probably forget about it. The first day seems pretty boring but it's the second day I'm looking forward to.  Feel a bit weird about choosing my own timetable tho...or med students may not have it since we are not that big of a batch. I mean tutorials and lab, we are assigned so maybe thats the timetable we get to decide. Yikes, so not confident with my choosing abilities. Haha knowing me, I'd probably choose the times none of my friends go to. Ok then guyz, ciaoz.

Had an interesting convo about religion yesterday. Realized I sounded like an atheist. Haha I dunno why I said what I did. Secret thoughts or words of someone trying too hard. It wasn't even choosing the opposite side of the argument either cause it was a balanced side. Not even a debate, just venting.

"I think the world would be better without religion."
Paraphrasing of course but something like that. Of course it was the extremists on my mind but not my sole concern. Is this related to my anti-homophobia? Perhaps. Religion may not be the origin of homophobia (I don't think Buddhism is anti-homo but I've met many homophobes from there) but it's an excuse as well as a body to spread it.

I don't even know how I feel about the big man upstairs really. I don't think I anti-him. I'm not even sure if I disbelieve he exists but not in an agnostic sense. I dunno how to describe agnostic other than apathy about the big man and I think I'm too (as my horoscopes say) opinionated to rely on apathy. I don't like the whole there is nothing after you die thing which is honestly more depressing for me than hell is. (Not saying I'd prefer hell mind you. I can't even stand a puny needle)

Maybe it's cause I'm so used to being religious. I mean I don't think i was ever a mindless drone really. (Thanks to Prince of Egypt I always hated that particular story and my God could not possibly be like that.)  But I dunno... when something scares me (which is alot since I'm up alone at 3/4 most nights) I make the sign of the cross and a small prayer but... I honestly don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

I still identify myself as a Catholic I guess... but I'd probably call myself an Agnostic just because of the indecision even if that doesn't accurately define who I am. I think with or without religion I'm still the same person. Even during my 'religious' stages I never really thought, I'm not gonna have pre-marital sex because God says so but because it's not me, not my culture and not what I believe in. Even after I heard the whole no condom thing, I was like que sera sera, it's an odd rule after all.

I think people worry too much about what the big man upstairs think. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing, some actually try to be a better person because of it but I think it's really tiring mission. To get into the pearly gates I mean. I dunno, there's already enough of this life to worry about than to worry about the afterlife as well.

The problem about religion is that there is no one you can talk to about this. A religious person will try to convert you or tell you what you are doing wrong, same with Atheists(except they'll tell you, you are right on the road to sanity). The extremist of both batches hate each other so much but they have so much in common. Even agnostics I have tried to talk to haven't helped, and religion is such a sensitive subject that you can't say the wrong thing.

What if I choose not to care about the big man? Does that make me a hypocrite? Refusing to go to church because I feel nothing there but making a sign of the cross for comfort. I went for a couple of months being unreligious to a couple of months being religious. It was definitely less confusing then. I don't even scoff at the ridiculousness of the bible anymore I just don't care about it. I feel defensive when people attack catholics or even the pope but I can't help feel it's more of a reflex action or like it's a personal attack on me. I dunno...I'm so confused.

I don't love him.
I don't hate him.
I don't believe he's there.
I don't believe there's no God.
But I can't bring myself not to care.

List of things to do:-
1) Write a resume
2) Find my cloak
3) Paint my mask
4) Upload my certs
5) Watch Phantom of the Opera

And all these must be done by TOMORROW!!!!!! I'm screwed aren't I?

Second Vlog Oops

Heya so as you can see I'm posting my second video. Actually I'm quite interested to do this permanently so watch the vid and let me know whether I should change my style or will I start losing viewers. (I'm hungry) Er it's half the length of the previous video thank god. Conclusion, stick to only one or two topics. (But I just had a Mamee Mee) Er the lighting is pretty bad in this but I think it's my sucky webcam. (I really wanna eat T_T) So enjoy...I hope.



GAH!!! IDIOT it's CHOLERIC NOT CHORELIC!!!!!

PS Gah I'm depressed tgwtg.com has been down for ages T_T

PSS Btw http://www.fighunter.com/?page=temperaments This is the site I was talking about in my vlog if anyone is interested.

First Vlog

Hey guys I wanted to try my first vlog. If you don't know what that is it's a video blog. I haven't updated in ages and I wanted to give you the feel. So if you watch it please let me know what you think. Whether I should continue with that style or go back...Erm I think I elaborated on it in my vid. Er the link is unlisted so pls don't start sharing out my vid. I didn't really 'pang leng leng' for this vid. Just how you'd see me on Skype. I think I watched the Nostalgia Chick too much cause I seem to be channeling her (with a British Accent). GAH!!! I dunno why my british accent always pops up when I'm recording myself. >< Haha ok I'm getting a bit of course. So just enjoy the video and tell me what you think.

Yea it's a little long. xD opps. Yea realize my expressions are all over the place. :) Ciaoz

I didn't even know why I started thinking of it. It was over so long ago but it appeared in my head, that one question... What was the nicest thing I remember you doing for me? When I thought of the answer, it opened up a whole wave of emotions I locked up. No, not about you. I am already long over you. I think that is for the better. No but it reminded me of the time when you did that nice thing. I think I locked up memories of that time. I always try to forget everything or maybe I just have a bad memory. XD :( But I guess even I have to admit it is probably in the running for worst period of my life.

I don't know which feels worst, the fact I never expected anyone to care for my feelings like you did or the fact that I kinda hoped that there would be more... Nah I'm being selfish... Why would anyone care about little old me? I tried not to think about it then. Who was on my side? Who supported me? I can only name one person with complete sureness. Why? No, no the question is why am I disappointed? I expected this. For months I braced myself for the same conclusion...so why do I feel so betrayed? Am I selfish?

Nah this was a very long time ago... I should be putting this all behind me. Erase the song 'Girl Next Door' from my phone and carry on. I have the Tea Party right now. I'm happier now. I know they'd stand by me no matter what.

"LIAR!!!"

(looks away) Yea...Alucia's right...I'm lying to myself. Put them in the same situation...I'd be left on my own again. It's not their fault believe me...but is it really mine? Why am I so worthless? It's not like I'm unhappy with the outcome but...these were the people I called my friends...I don't...

Haiz...I dunno what else to say... It's just bad memories coming back to haunt me but... I really tried to forget it, honest I did. Just sometimes, something reminds me of it...and things just go bad. Haiz and I was in a good mood too. Oh wellz I dun have much else to say...Just let me go ponder life for a while.  :(

Nightz

Konbanwa!

こんばんわ。わたしはシャーメインです。どおぞよろしく。わたしはマルシアじんです。はじめまして。これわわたしのブロッグです。ようこそ。

And that is the extent of the Japanese I know. Haha no don't look at me like that. Not the writing, that's just the Mac. I just type 'ko' and this appears こ. But I've gotten the Hiragana pretty down. I still have to check every once in awhile but I think I'm pretty proud of myself. XD Don't ask me about katakana though (the one I wrote my name in). I HATE it so much. They generally look more chinesey and I remember how to write 'ko' by neh that box that looks like mouth in chinese but one side is open (コ). Yea... unfortunately ro is a 'kou' (mouth) ロ. 

Okok I know you all are looking at me funny. I can't speak chinese to save my life and I want to learn Japanese? Yea well...I kinda prefer Japanese. I mean anime is one thing but also Japanese has a very straightforward pronunciation. If 'a' is pronounced like this, it's always pronounced like this. Like malay. In terms of writing...ok I think it is kinda silly to have 3 different types of writing. I understand why but I'm sorry. It's pretty hard for an outsider to learn. Ok y I prefer hiragana to chinese characters is this, there is no relation through characters. Where else Japanese is a bit more like English where a sound is a character. 'Ha'は for example or 'chi'ち, they will never change. So for example 'hachi' (eight) is written like はち. Y'know instead of ハ where you are just supposed to remember it's 'pak' (sry i dunno how to write hanyin pinyin). So yea, I'm probably confusing you. But anyway, this brings me to my next problem...KANJI!!! We all know Japanese originated from Chinese and all that right so of course they have to use their words as well.... Just as I was complaining about it... >_> I mean hiragana can take up alot of space so to shorten it they use kanji. So ハ、instead of はち。T_T So basically I still kinda have to learn chinese...not modern chinese mind you...traditional chinese. T_T

But I did say I was gonna learn as much Japanese as I can for the rest of my holidays. Grammar is pretty straight forward but i'm still a little confused between kore and kono...and a couple other things. I'm so glad I have Aisyah to bug whenever I need help/answers. xD And of course somebody to practice Japanese with. So wish me luck. Who knows? If I actually learn Japanese enough I might actually learn Chinese to improve my kanji. Haha Oh well

オやすみなさい、みんあさん。

When I first watched Son of the Mask, I felt a strange attraction to Loki.

When I first watched Spy Kids, Floop intrigued me more than the main characters.

I have rewatched both movies and they are very very meh movies but I have finally figured what the hell was up with those two characters. Alan Cumming (haha another Alan) Damnit, like so many actors I like, he is majorly underrated and underused. The thing that surprises me though is he is not conventionally handsome/hot but see him act once and see the sex ooze off that screen. I dare you to say he's not hot after. It's like you have to watch him cast a spell over you first.

Other than the above two incidents, I have never heard, nor cared for Alan before. A couple months ago, I heard about Broadway Backwards which basically switches around male and female roles in musical numbers. I first watched Neil Patrick Harris sing Take Me or Leave Me with his boyfriend. So anyway, I youtubed songs and found Don't Tell Mama. I was like ok don't know this song but I've vaguely heard the name Alan Cumming before. Oh he's the guy who played Nightcrawler, this should be good.

Damnit... Sex Appeal. *_* You don't see much of it from men. I mean the closest we probably get is Taylor Lautner tearing off his shirt and stare at Bella...Yea real manly... And damn those leather pants. Those were just (drool). Haha Ok I don't know how to explain it. Doh! Of course, like Adam Lambert, they just sell sex. I mean how many so-called hot celebrities do that. Justin Bieber...yikes... Not dissing him but no sex appeal at all.

Ok I know people are going to go out of the way to call me perverted on this but COME ON. Sex appeal is like a MUST for all female celebrities now. I just demand the opposite once in a while. Ok lemme just throw a few out from the top of my head, Bruno Mars, no; that transformers dude, hell no; hugh jackman... ok now Hugh Jackman does have sex appeal but... that's not really what I meant... He's Megan Fox, he's hot and sexual yes but he's no... oh I dunno... Jennifer Lopez. Maybe it's cause they're actors whereelse singers/dancers have to perform more. Dunno maybe that's the whole Korean singer craze, maybe they sell sex I dunno. All I see on tv are boy bands so yea...

Ooo getting way off topic. Well other than just projecting to the world I'm perverted, what else can I say? Men should wear eyeliner. Haha Ok this is more individual by individual basis but I haven't seen anyone who looks bad in eyeliner. I know there's a general consensus that guyliner=gay but I dunno...it just looks good. Gargh! I know I'm being nitpicky here but goddamnit! If you are gonna perform singlet/sleeveless/shirtless, shave your goddamn armpits. Gargh, I'm sorry...I'm not one of those weird people who are over nitpicky about hair or anything. I mean they are not major turn-offs or anything but damnit! Is it so hard to shave? I mean can you imagine Taylor Swift in a brilliant gown singing and then she raises her arms and gargh! This is not for normal people I don't expect much but you are on a stage, playing an over-sexualized man. SHAVE YOUR ARMPITS!!!

Haha ok this post is getting a bit out of hand. Haha sorry I'm sleepy but I'm waiting for the video of a critic making fun of If I die Young to load. Haha ok it's not a bad song, but I wanna see if he has the same problems with it that I did.

Oh wee, Robert Pattinson just came onscreen. X/ Another guy who probably doesn't shave. X/ What's up with that hair? Did he like forget to comb his hair in the morning or something? I'm trying to find his accent sexy but meh... It's just...meh. Haha sorry. After watching Alan, finding this person hot/sexy is much harder than usual. Haha ok I should go. I'm so proud of myself, I used Justin and Taylor Swift in my blog as examples and I never made fun of them, those talentless pieces of shit. XD

Ok listen, I have no problem with these two people, not personally but it's like Twillight for me. So many things just make me hate it that hasn't factored in the actual show/people. Ok I want to ask you something first, do you like any celebrity who isn't famous? Just think of one person, any person. And I mean really like them, not just a passing fancy. Are they more talented than the two people listed above? Chances are, they are. >_> Okok no more low blows. What does it feel that these people you like that are more talented than the above people are not even making half of what they get (or even worse). Ok let's just say music is subjective, fine. What about actors? From the back of my head I can name so many actors who are more talented than the girl who plays Bella Swan. So why is she making so much money again? It's irritating and sometimes it makes me so angry. (And I can't stand hypocrites, Robert Pattinson is fair target if they don't like him as well but if it's Justin who they like, I'm being mean. >_>)

Haha ok I should really stop around here. Two long posts on the same day. This is going to keep me from posting for a long time. KK then Nightz

PS: I don't see what's the big deal about Nasi Lemak 2.0. It's just a normal movie. Yea maybe it's better than most Malaysian shows but that is not saying much. The only thing I can say for it is it doesn't try to go for the whole racial stereotype that Singaporean shows are so fond of. (No they are not being racist, all races kena equal teruk but it's...old humour. You don't see (good) Hollywood movies making fun of black stereotypes anymore do they? {I like the random black dude though. You don't see enough of that in Asian shows}