Sobering thought

I've just had a sobering thought. If I were (for any reason) to drop dead tonight, I'd probably start to decay before anyone found my body.

This is not some depressed thoughts or anything like that. I remember a long time ago I was playing? this website about a woman who died in her apartment and was not discovered until 3? or was it 6 months later (and that was cause of the smell). I never lived alone before. So I knew that would never be a problem.

But now I am alone.

I can try to imagine things realistically. I don't show up for work. People would assume I overslept/MC/EL etc. Maybe a whatsapp from the TL asking to explain myself. He wouldn't get an answer. He'd think I was avoiding him. Another day or two. Maybe the specialist finds out, maybe TL informs her, doesn't matter. An angry exclamation, "Please tell her to contact me ASAP." The TL would pass on the message. But I wouldn't answer. A week pass. Everyone assumes I MIA; maybe I quit HO, maybe I'm overwhelmed by stress. They write me off.

I guess how long it takes for me to be discovered would be how long before my parents start freaking out about me not answering. But it would take awhile. They'd assumed I was too tired to answer my calls. Too busy to reply to messages.

So how long before I'm discovered? I really have no clue. But it is a really sobering thought.

And a real flashing sign on how alone I truly am.

Whether anyone I am working with now would think/realize that there was something very wrong with me not showing up and not answering my messages/calls? To know me enough that I'm so insecure in my decisions that if I ever decided to leave for good, I'd ask a million and 1 people on their opinion. To care enough that even if they truly believed I ran, to still worry enough to check on me to be safe. 

So...I'm heading to the airport in about 2/3 hours. You would think the years of looking forward to this, the months of excitement would mean something right? All I feel now is anxiety. I mean...it should be normal right? Going to a new place. But I expected nerves or something like that not full-blown anxiety. Then again, maybe nerves = anxiety now. Maybe I've 'upgraded' in a way that I can't go back.

4.5 months. It's not that long honestly. I don't even know what I'm worried about. Loneliness? I'm kinda used to it by now tbh. And I'm staying with friends so I'd probably have a lack of privacy more than lonely... Cold? Tbh I don't think it's something that would really bother me? I mean even if I didn't bring warm enough clothing, I could just get it there. Exp or not, its kind off a small deal... So what's the problem? I can't figure it out.

I mean of course I'm worried I didn't pack something (or pack too much that I can't pack it back when I come back) but like I said earlier...it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, I can just get whatever I missed there. That I won't have fun? I mean yea...I'd find it a waste of money if we don't have fun there but...not really a big deal if you really think about it. So what's the god-damn problem? Is it just the Taurus in me fearing change? I'm staying with the same people I've been staying with the last 2 years, lodging worked out as perfect as it could be so why am I so...

Am I worried that I will enjoy Australia so much I'll regret not applying? No that doesn't sound like it... I don't know anymore. I thought writing in my blog will let me pinpoint my feelings but nope. Nothing seems to be settling.

I started again last week after dealing with my landlord. It wasn't serious or anything but...I guess I didn't expect it. It was just once, but well...I know what once means. (Oh god S Club 7 is on tv. Haven't seen them for ages hahahaha). Haha yea let's change the subject. I'm sharing rooms in Australia anyway, won't have a chance to continue I guess. Haha maybe I'm scared of my roommate. She's very particular in her ways.

I still can't breathe.

So ok got no one asking me about my last post so I know no ones reading anymore. So I guess I can rant more here xD

The worst thing about having (and learning about) depression before is knowing that while the first time had a (very valid) trigger, the times after that usually don't. And the more episodes you have, the easier it is to have another episode (and hence a vicious cycle). So now I'm just fearing another episode. I'm stressed now so I'm becoming more irritable, moody etc and there just that constant fear when is it going to change, when's the ball going to drop.

My last depressed episode started with strong persistent anxiety and now, today, I had really bad anxiety. I don't know if it was percipitated by coffee or something but it was seriously bad. Like couldn't concentrate in class kinda bad. Constantly distracted, weird abdominal symptoms, heart racing and of course the ever present 'feeling that something is wrong'. Anxiety sites cite it as 'feeling of impending doom'. I guess I can understand how they'd interpret it as that but honestly the only way I can describe is that it feels like something is wrong.

I was so paranoid today I'd fall back in. I barely talked during dinner, voice felt low, just generally felt like myself when I was depressed. And all I wanted was dinner to end and everyone to leave me alone so I could isolate myself, emo, etc. And suddenly when Rashmin called inviting me out, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. Like immediately I became myself, normal. Even bouncing a little, happy. And there was no reason for it unless...the reason I've been so down recently is really just because I've been lonely. Like I didn't even know if dinner would be awkward or I'd be ignored or anything. I just flipped.

I don't know what this post is trying to say. Just needing a place to rant I guess. It's weird that...compared to last year, generally this year is so much better unless I'm alone (which now generally means 90% of the time). I guess I'm just lonely...who knows. I'm just really tired that's all.

But...

Tonight was a good night.

Maybe this was what I needed all along.

I am so lonely. I am so tired and lonely. I am just sitting here at 11.30 because I cant' bring myself to get up and bathe. I have no one to talk to about this so I'm sitting here typing on this blog that no one reads because I need someone to listen even if that someone is no one. Truly though, even if there's someone who could listen, what can I say? How do I put it into words? How do you put it out there without sounding whiny?

If this was a new thing I wouldn't mind but...I just can't deal with this anymore. I come back everyday to an empty house (well not so much empty as everyone just isolates themselves) and its reached a point that I'm so used to it that I'd rather just be anti-social too. I have no one to tell about my day and the walk home everyday just feels so...reluctant.

I know that this loneliness was not as bad as the start of the year where my thoughts became so distorted, I had to run home every other weekend to convince myself that I was being ridiculous. But it's getting there. I can feel it in my chest with every shallow breath that I can't do this anymore.

I keep thinking about that 1 and a half weeks that I was depressed, like truly really depressed (yes, i kept count because I wanted to see if it'd be diagnosable). I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it again. Truly, I was just so glad that it was over that I didn't really care about it but now, I keep replaying that time in my head. How no one noticed how badly I was drowning. How I was just doing nothing but lying in bed and crying  and no one seemed to care. How every class was just a struggle to breathe. And everytime I was alone, even if it was a public place was just another battle to fight myself from crying. I thought someone would notice but no one did. Not the one who always seem to tell when I was emo, not my so called psychiatrist tutor, not the one who when I told her my symptoms asked me if I was depressed, said we should talk and never contacted me after that to ask if I was ok. I'd never felt more alone in my life. I'd never felt so let down by the people I cared about before.

I know, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I brought that up. There's just so many things I need to get off my chest.

Sorry...got distracted by my housemate coming out to discuss our research project (wow, she come out to talk to me, miracle.) I wonder if my eyes don't turn red like most people when they cry, or she's just that blur to not notice.

Nyway, I got distracted so I can't continue, not like anyone reads this anyway. Cheers. Here's to another couple of months before the next post. xD

I wanna quit med school.

XD

Well now that's I've caught your attention, here's what I wanna say. I wanna quit med school. XD

No...not really. I mean I've made it this far, I won't turn back now. 

But... I kinda wished I'd known I was an INFP long ago and accepted how I was. I would have known so long ago that all my extroverted behaviors were me being gripped by my shadow self. I mean truthfully, school was a challenging time for me esp as an introvert, and my shadow type/self just took over without me knowing. Like literally, I can't imagine myself being a choleric at all. I can't believe I used to (think I) liked being in a leadership position. Like I can actually imagine all that being a nightmare for me now. I mean don't get me wrong, my shadow self probably do come out now and again but not so much that I believe it's my whole personality.

Which brings me back to what a nightmare talking to people are. Just two weeks holiday and I'm already unable to talk to patients again. (Not that I was any better towards the end of last sem but it wasn't so bad seriously. Like it didn't take me that long to get the courage to approach the patient.) Today? OMG It took my forever to approach anyone and I hated it so much. I just wanted to run away so bad. It's like I'm back in frist week again.

I dunno if it's me never realizing how hard it was for me to talk to people or me just not realizing how much human interaction I'd have before entering med school. I keep telling myself it'd be better when I actually become a doctor since patients would be approaching me, not the other way around...but I really don't know. I'm actually tempted to specialize in anaesthesia so I'd never have to face another patient again. 

I'd actually thought I'd gotten ok at it already. I mean this is only a 2 week break. Am I gonna face this again after raya? 

Argh I hate being distracted in between blogging now I lost the mood to type. 

I dunno lar... the strange thing was a month (or two) ago my friend asked me if I could go back in time and warn myself against being a med student, would I? I told her I didn't know and probably not. Now the answer has gone the opposite direction. Like even though I still have no idea what else I would have done if I didn't take this field, it feels like anything would be better than this. 

(I still find it so strange I type with my left hand normally and with only my index finger on my right. Haiz)

And housemanship....I'm seriously dreading that. Like... it litterally is just clerking patients and being yelled and questioned by whoevers above you. Like seriously, I can't imagine a nightmare worse than that. 2 years is a seriously long time. 

And half the time I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a doctor. I mean even removing everything about studies (which I am seriously lacking in and I just blank out when questioned). Half the time I think I'm too soft to be a doctor, other half I think I'm too unfeeling. I don't know if it's just my imagination or if I think too much some of the time but... Honestly though I don't know what makes a good doctor. Because I can't imagine caring for your patient without CARING for your patient (like getting emotionally involved and all that). Simultaneously, I can't imagine caring for my patients and getting emotionally involved with them. I dunno if it's cause the patients I meet now are just people I interview and not actually MY patients. 

I honestly don't know... I mean I can't say I'm stuck because I really don't plan to quit anymore. But... how would I deal with this nightmare. When I actually become a doctor... would it still feel this shitty? I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't do anything about it anymore. I guess I should just soldier on...

Anime Us

 

Tried to get it to look like me as much as possible. Too bad there were no weight options xD 

Wanted to make something more anime-ish, turned out a bit bishou-ny so decided to make a guy instead. Cute neh? XD

Well next I tried Anime Luigi. Didn't turn out half bad thought I'd wish they'd let me make him angrier. The apron thing looked weird but it was the closest I could get to an ascot xD.

Alucia. Sorta. XD

Yes as you can see I'm doing all I can not to study. xD

Type 4s

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Source: http://www.9types.com/descr/4/

Birthdays and Facebook

The annoying thing about changing my blog url is I seriously can't remember what it is. Like I have to log on to blogger.com now if I wanna find it. I wonder if anyone can find it anymore. xD But I guess it's better for this post since I'm posting it way earlier than it should be. xD

The thing is for a long time I wanted to take down my birthday from my fb page but I never got around to doing it. I mean I dun mind putting it back up like after my birthday but just around my birthday I wanted to take it down. I mean, I know a lot of people do it, trying to see which of their friends 'remember' their birthday. The thing is, I'm one of those people who NEVER remembers anyone's birthday. Maybe last time, before the time of handphone reminders and facebook, I could remember a couple but the rest, forget it.

Even so, I always wanted to do it, just to see who remembered. Actually no, not really. Not to see who remembered, whether the ones that were important enough remembered. I mean, I dunno, I think anyone who's taken off the birthday from FB would understand. I was never the type to go around butthurt when no one remembered when's my birthday when the question came up, cause my memory was easily the worst. But i tried to always make sure (recently at least) that the when it came close to the month, to ensure that we had something planned.

So I guess I expect the same in return at least.

The problem is, I'm actually terrified that no one will remember. The thing is that like I said, I'd expect the same. So I'd rather that they remember last minute/on that day through facebook then not remember at all. I don't think I'd recover after that kind of disappointment. (Well I always say that but I seem to be annoyingly more stronger than I think I am)

The thing is this year is totally different. Well I say this year but it's more of a couple of days thing. For any of you who follow my blog but haven't caught up with me, I'm currently staying away from home for Uni. So it so happens, I have no class for my birthday and so I can go home for the weekend or so. And so because of the long hols I spoiled my friend's birthday plans for me (so yes, they did remember) but I decided heading home was so much more important and it must have been some weird fate thing that cancelled all my classes for my birthday and the day after. ^_^ So I dunno, I dun really care so much if they dun celebrate for me since I won't be here for so long nor do I really care if my group doesn't remember cause I didn't really tell them I would be going back.

So this year will be the year I finally take off my birthday from fb. I guess I'll be too happy being back home to actually bother who remembered and who didn't. And honestly, getting birthday wishes from people I've never spoken to before or barely know or lost contact with in years annoys me. Yes, bitchy I know. But I dunno, I've made it a point to only wish people on my FB notification that I actually am close/still talk to/in my uni (and that's rather variable too). I dunno, I guess it relates back to the whole 'not wanting people who don't actually care about me at my funeral' (wow that would be a rather empty funeral, wouldn't it). But I dunno, to me wishing me or even being the first to wish me on my birthday (if im not really close to you) doesn't prove you care about me. Just proves that you are on FB way too much but I digress.

Actually, I dunno what's the point of this post honestly. I just had the idea to write. Haha I don't think I've written so much in so long. @_@ This is Med School. Or maybe it's just me. I don't write anything about moving to a new city or life there but instead I write a long musing on taking down my birthday from fb.

So...hows life?

I guess the basic summary would be:

• There's way more time then I thought. 
• Like seriously, I have what, 1 class a day.
• I think I sleep much more than I did at home.
• If I thought I rarely studied before, this is worse because there is kinda no classes and no notes. 
• I don't hate talking to patients so much anymore (still hate it but dun feel er... can't describe it... just me overreading stuff I guess).
• I'm really sick of maggi mee and soup.
• I've become much less fussier with food. (Vegetables and spicy food still scare me though)
• Never noticed the amount of social interaction I needed before I begin feeling weird.
• Unfortunately my brand of social interactions involve other people talking and me listening and maybe adding a bit here and there which makes people annoyed with me cause I wanted the 'talking session'.
• I'm so sick of walking. 
• Is there anything else?
• I'm so sick of seeing the same 14 people everyday.
• Ok I kid but seriously, you don't see anyone else besides your housemates and your group members
• I zon out alot.
• Yes I know this is nothing new but I think it's an achievement to consistently doing it standing up. 
• As my group mate asked me (and I wonder the same thing), is there actually a class I pay attention to?
• Yes this is generally what my notes look like so this is what my summary will look like.
• Can't think of anything to add.
• I realize I'm a very honest and straightforward person.
• What? Me? Really?
• Yea, I dun really hide things from people. But they need to ask me first, I won't say it out of nowhere.
• I'm (still) extremely desperate to get a boyfriend. xD
• I was promised boyfriends in Uni
• Hellooooooo I'm still single
• Ahem, sorry. Might be a bit high. 
• No idea why.
• You know what? I should try blogging drunk one time and see what turns up.
• I need an opportunity to get drunk first though
• Meh, that's all I can think off...
• K. Hopefully I'll update soon. 
• I know. I know. My last (real) post was ages ago.
• Never really had the mood for writing though
• K then, see ya soon. :)
• Byez

I feel like shit today and I don't know why.

I mean yea I had a pretty crappy day but not one where I get severely pissed off or emo. It's just a series of bad luck?

So I dunno why I feel so weird. I can't even describe the feeling. Something just feels wrong and I can't find a way to fix it. Like i dun have the mood to do anything. And I went out earlier cause I thought it might be my social interaction quota hasn't been fulfilled.

(Might still be the reason. Didn't really interact much even though I 'went out' but what else is new? Seriously thought it would help but it just ended with me standing around awkwardly as usual.)

It just feels so weird. I can't even put the feeling into words. I thought maybe blogging about it would get some of the feels out but seriously not helping.

I'm just going round and round, saying the same thing again and again.

Just forget it.

Maybe I'm just lonely, I dunno. Just, I dunno. I need something. I just dunno what yet.

Why won't you listen?

I know it's a common INFP complaint that they feel no one is listening to them. It's so annoying. I dunno if it's a communication thing. Maybe it's my fault I dunno but sometimes I try so hard and no one listens.

It's so annoying to just sit there listening to conversations and you have things you want to say but you just don't dare to say them. And finally when you get the courage to say it, it's misinterpreted, it goes unheard/ignored or worst, it gets shot down. And you're sitting there thinking, let me just crawl back into the hole where I came from and never come back out or worse, when I let my Te come out as a defense mechanism and I'm misunderstood even more but this time it's by my own doing.

It's really so annoying.

Like how I try so hard to try to tell my cousin not to pursue Medicine if he's not interested. And I tell him things I don't even tell my parents like my family have no idea how hard Medicine is hitting me all they know is I hate studying. And I try so goddamn hard and it's Open Day all over again. The snide glances, the judging looks. And he started asking me how I did for SPM, how I did in school. Like what the hell does that matter? I'm telling you my view and you are judging how smart/lazy I am. As soon as I open my mouth I regretted it. He wouldn't understand unless he's in Med School. I don't think I would have gotten how hard it was pre-Med School anyway.

But it hurts so much to go unheard.

I had a discussion with some guy about a question and I disagreed with his answer. I tried to explain why I thought it was another way. I quoted websites for him. Did he listen? Who knows? Because he just ignored what I said and insisted that he was right. And...and I don't know how to put it to words. Like I said it may just be my communication problem I dunno but the way he made me feel. It made me feel like my opinion didn't matter. Like just because I wasn't one of the famous top students or something, I couldn't be right. If he addressed my points and told me how they were wrong, I'd accept it. But he treated me like I was stupid and stubborn on insisting my answer was right. Hey, I may have made a mental error and misjudged the answer, I dunno. But when I try so hard to help, to voice out my opinion, explain to me what I did wrong, not insist your answer is right and that I'm stubborn and complicating things. And I just feel angry, unheard and embaressed. And I can't delete my comments because it look like I merajuk or something. And good god, I don't even know if I'm getting my point across.

And I hate this so much because people keep saying 'speak up', 'you're too quiet', 'talk more'. Why must I change for you? Just because you are extroverted and these things come to you so easily, it's a nightmare for me. And everytime I put myself out, someone does or says something that makes me regret it immediately. My opinions matter. I'm sorry that I can't put what I want to say in words properly. But I have opinions and it matters. Not for it to be shot down anytime you feel I'm an easy target.

I dunno if I'm over-reacting because of stress. Or is it I keep reading that INFPs feel misunderstood or that they keep things buried deep. So I want to be heard, I want to be more open. But I dunno if I'm getting what I wanna say across or I just sound whiny. Who knows cause I honestly feel like giving up. It's like hearing all these INFPs going on about how they feel misunderstood or how hard it is to put their thoughts/feelings into words, I feel like, yea that's just me, that's just gonna happen. Why bother?

Forget it. I'm beyond tired. I dunno what I'm doing anymore. My batteries aren't recharging. My hermit state can't be activated cause I'm never really on my own in this house...not at the moment at least. @_@ I need an escape. Just 1 more week. If coming out of the exams don't send me into emo/depressed mode again, then things will probably get better.

Yea I think I'm going off to bed. I'm falling asleep on the table and I did virtually nothing today. I'm so tired. Maybe I've given up. It's like I don't care anymore. Maybe it's burnout, who knows? I'm just so fed up. I'm so bored, no, sick of studying. I have no one to talk to. I literally do nothing but eat, sleep, study and procastinate. The worst thing about this kind of procastination is I literally do nothing productive, nothing fun. It's just do anything but start studying. If I was watching a movie, or writing, or something that felt a little more fun/productive it'd be fine. But it's so much doing stupid things, I just can't.

Haha this is getting a bit too long now. I babble alot. Klar I wanna go sleep. I wish I'd remember my dreams though. I'm sure it'd be more fun than this...

INFP Photo Spam

I guess I'm not surprised but...I dun really care much about Luna. :( But another site suggested Remus Lupin and I'm all for that. XD As of this moment, he's the only Marauder I can stand and my favourite DADA teacher. 

Did I mention how much I love Belle? ^_^

Yea I still can't find my pencilcase, or my Histology book, or my Gray's Review...See the pattern here?

O_O So that's a real INFP thing. I'm not the only one?

Post Apocalypse INFP

Me? Defending Paris Hilton? Really?

I just had to share this on my wall because I can say I am guilty of the same crime. Years ago, when I first heard about Repo, I was like 'Paris is in it? Count me out.' I've already written her off even though I hadn't watched a single movie of hers. All I knew about her was what the 'paparazi' were talking about her. Then, I might have joined you in dissing Paris, now I'd defend her if you bitched about her in front of me. 

Don't get me wrong, I still know nothing about her. But the way the Repo cast and Darren defends her makes me think there's more to her than she puts on. The thing is when I'm obsessed about something, I'm really obsessed and hearing all the things about Paris on the Repo set makes me think 'Hey, maybe she's a nice person after all.' And she's not a bad actress or singer. It took me awhile but I like Amber, and as anyone who knows me knows, it's hard for me to like female characters.

The thing is I feel bad for Paris. Like the few Repo panels she was on, you could see the audience attacking her. Or annoyingly, how all the reporters would keep asking the rest of the cast about her, hoping to score more gossip or something. Hell she even won a Razzie for Repo even though I thought she did brilliant in it. And I think it's more like, when the public has a joke or a target, they really go for it. I mean I can't be the only one that's fed up with the Bush and Sarah Palin jokes. (Who knows how long the Miley Cyrus thing will last)

I'm really sorry for the long post. It's just reading the article really struck something in me especially the part when she was talking about how she related to Amber and probably about her own dad as well. I won't say I'm a Paris fan but when Darren, Terrance, Bill and Ogre defend her (these are all people I really look up to and respect), I know that there must be something more to her than the empty headed persona she puts on.

OMG tell me 5 years ago I'd be writing a 5 paragraph post at 6 am defending Paris Hilton and I'd tell you, you were mentally insane but well...people surprise you I guess. And I don't know what is it about Repo, whether it's chemistry or the directors, but when the cast becomes such a family and when they treat their fans with so much love and gratitude, you feel you really belong to that family. And you'd do anything to protect your family.

PS: Yes, I copied and pasted this from my FB post cause I thought 'hey, it actually sounds good and I wanna keep it'. XD Besides, FB people won't appreciate my wonderful deep musings. XD XP Ok I know, I know... 6.30, a bit too high. Bad time to write. Need sleep. So bye guyz. I'm sure you all are so happy that after months of hiatus, my latest post is about Paris Hilton. xD Nightz!!!!

Do You Hear The People Sing? Singing the Song of Angry Men.

I knew I shouldn't have put so much hope in this election. When I opened fb earlier at 8pm, I knew it could swing either way. Then, it became very obvious the people were supporting opposition. The results were there. No one could deny it. Now suddenly as if by magic, BN is leading like crazy. Magic boxes appearing everywhere.

I am so disappointed and angry. Perhaps that is my own fault. When I believe in something, I put my whole soul into it. I am passionate that way and in the end I only hurt myself. I didn't even need opp to win IF the election was slightly fair. Just slightly.

Everyone is angry, everyone is fed-up. I am so disappointed I think if I was a different person, I might actually cry. I dunno what I want to post, rant...not really. Spread the news...not really. I think I just needed to do something to not feel so useless.

I still remember as the election results started me and my friends were crazy excited now everyone is so dead. Everyone stop caring d. Angry also tired of being angry.

But I do like what someone posted, this election has united the people of Malaysia better than any stupid 1Malaysia program. I bet Najib is breathing his sigh of relief and BN can go back to siphoning our money. Just fuck this shit. I'm staying in Australia if I can find a hospital who will accept me. I've had enough. I'm done.

Psycho Homework

Mr Paul told us during the last Psycho lecture last sem to think about/plan our funeral. As usual of most of my non-marked, non-hurdle homework I never got it done. So I got bored recently and decided to think about it. This however led me to the question, who is the funeral for? Is it for the deceased or the people the deceased left behind?

I mean the deceased is well deceased. And depending on which afterlife they believe in, they probably wouldn't even be present at their own funeral. So if the funeral is for the family of the deceased, is there really a point of 'planning my funeral'? I know what Paul wanted from it, not the actual plan but coming to terms with death.

But I'm 21. As far as I know, death is eons away. I don't really see the point/need of coming to terms with death.

Anyway back to the original assignment and it's problems. Well the main part I got to before going on a long philosophical argument of the above was the guest list. I dun want a big funeral. I don't want people there who don't actually care about me or know me at all. Y'know like relatives who barely said more than a few words to the deceased but is always present at the funeral? I just want close friends and family to be there. Whose lives were actually affected by me.

But then I slipped into the debate. These relatives and family friends probably wouldn't be here for me. They'd be here for my family who they may actually be close to. And so, wouldn't it be selfish if I say I wouldn't want these people at my funeral since I'd probably not be there at all. (But I do wanna be there.)

So after that I kinda stopped thinking about planning the funeral since it wasn't about me at all. It wouldn't matter if I wasn't very religious. If my family would feel better about doing prayers or buried the Christian way etc that would be up to them. I don't think i have the right to have any say in that. I dun even know IF I wouldn't want having that either. Like I said I stopped thinking. I dunno what it would be like when I do die or how long more it would be. I don't want people taking this as the gospel truth and all that.

Maybe one day I'll sit down and plan out a funeral that I would like. But it would probably be kept personal/secret or something so people wouldn't feel obliged to follow it. Like I said, a funeral is for the people left behind. Not for the deceased. Good god, you could play 'Ding Dong the witch is dead' for all I care though you might get some angry 'Chua's chasing you.

PS Though, please let someone who knows my music taste to choose the playlist. That is my only fixed criteria. God help the person who decides to play Bieber or Minaj or any shit like that at my funeral. I will come back and haunt you. :P Byez

Sometimes I am made to feel very naive when I express my support for Anwar. Perhaps I am naive. I do know he is a politician and he probably doesn't mean half the things he says but I also know that these things he fights for are the main reason the people support him. He can't exactly go back on his word less he lose the next election for sure.

I know people are terrified that the economy will crumble if opposition wins the fight this time but for me, I crave change more than I fear the unknown. Again, perhaps its naivety but for me, I think that if the opposition wins this time around, they would act better. I'm not saying there's no corruption in the opposition but I believe that they know that even if they win their power is not stable, they need to be on their best behavior.

I haven't thought much of politics since I left secondary school. (Maybe a bit in A-levels but nothing big) Maybe it's cause that was when the government affected me the most. The anger and hatred I had towards the government and...well the race that dominated this country was intense. {Dun get me wrong, I'm not racist, my best friend is of that race} The thing was at that time I hated this country so much that all I wanted was to leave.

I don't feel that way anymore. Everyone is telling me to apply for a job is Australia and work there...and I kinda don't want to. Have I actually fallen for this country. O_O And if I do stay here, I want...no need change. I'm tired of Malaysia's overly-consevative laws and rules. And honestly, I kinda wish that Anwar was homosexual to at least I dunno, try to change the country's mindset a bit.

It's like I dunno...I have a variety of friends in Uni now and the mix between open and closed minded is so big AND YET it's still not as bad as our country's view of things. When I realized how happy/comfortable I was being with this/these open-minded friend(s) that i knew what I needed for myself. Too long have I been stuck with close-minded people that I have hated/resented/been annoyed by the people around me, the people in this country that I always thought had I been born somewhere else I would have been so much more content. (This is ignoring those effing Mangoes who feels its their duty to remind me I don't deserve to be/I'm not a chinese because I'm a banana).

So perhaps I have placed my hope on Anwar. Realistically I honestly don't think Opposition will win this round. But next election? (With my help of course they will XD) It will take time, I know, but hopefully my kids will not have to worry about quotas or the feeling of second class citizenship. One day our race will be Malaysian instead of malay, chinese or indian. Perhaps I'm too hopeful/optimistic/naive but I doubt Malaysia will be stuck in this rut forever.

Yet Another Repo Post

Ok I just had to get this out. Of course I could have just argued with myself in my head but where's the fun in that. Besides, my blog was getting cobwebby anyway.

So we all know that Repo was from the stage. So I've heard the first version which was a 3 part 1 man show. But that's not the one I wanted to talk about. It's the one just before the movie was made. The one (probably) that Bill Moseley saw that got him onto the project. And good god after listening to all the alternate versions and plots, I can't get it out of my mind.

Now anyone that knows me and Repo knows that Luigi is my favorite character (of course it could be a Bill Moseley thing, I dunno). But stage Luigi (or Lucci as he's known in the play), I wonder if I could like him. I have no idea how the plot is so here I am trying to put together all the pieces. But as far as I know Amber Sweet (Heather here) is Luigi's kid, not Rotti's. (Luigi, Pavi and Rotti are brothers here). And as far as hints go, Luigi seems crueler? to Amber than Rotti ever was (ok fine Rotti spoiled her rotten but still). And this bugs me so much because it's seems that other than personality, Luigi and Rotti switched parts of the storyline. And I can't wrap my mind around it because the reason I hate Rotti is the way he treats his kids, so would this mean I would hate Lucci? Even if his personality is generally the same? And switching that around, does that mean that Rotti would move up my favourite character list. I mean what he did to Marni was pretty despicable but she was a whore and had it coming anyway. (My interpretation, deal).

Now as far as I've heard, no one dies at the end of the stage play. So how does it end? Is it possible to end without the deaths? I saw a pic where Mag had bandages over her eyes so I'm guessing she still ripped them out, ok fine. But how does Nathan end up? What is the climax then? Rotti probably wouldn't die of any illness since he is the youngest of the three. But even if he does, issit a big deal? GeneCo doesn't actually belong (solely) to him. What about Heather? In Choices (stage version of At the Opera Tonight), the Largos sing about plans laid tomorrow and all that. What plans? Still revenge at Nathan? Without the whole give Shilo GeneCo thing. What does that have to do with the other 3 Largos? Can you see how this bugs me?

Ok fine, you can accuse me of overthinking things but these are legit questions. (And of course my Repo obsession has overtaken my life). I've accepted that there's no Repo 2, fine. Painfully and heartbrokenly, I accept. But this is already filmed. Can't they just 'accidentally' let it go viral (or sell it, I'm fine with that). I admit, I don't expect it to turn out anywhere as wonderful as Repo! movie was but I'd like to see how it was before. Every interpretation possible. I'd like to see and understand more of the characters and the history. Like listening to the stage (& original) version of 21st Century Cure. There was history there I never knew before. Like why Sanitarium is dark all the time. What disease killed all those people (ok it was a bit of a mouthful but I kinda understood it). As wonderful as Repo! was there's so much missing that I need to fill in the blanks. I'm glad to find wonderful hints and tidbits dropped by Terrance like for ex. that Rotti is a serial ladykiller (literally) and that each of his kids have different moms. Or that Rotti was dying from Glioblastoma Multiforme (some form of brain cancer) which makes sense since brain transplant doesn't seem to make much sense. *_*

Haha see you waited so long for such a philosophical post. (Rolls eyes) I'll update when I actually have anything interesting going on in my life. So a couple of months maybe? See ya then. ^_^

PS. I thought The Movies game would give me a new obsession...instead it's deepened my obsession with Repo. T_T Oh well

End of the World

That was the topic for me and my friend's English Aural test (what? you didn't expect me to choose anything mainstream did you?) During our aural, we assumed that the Mayan prediction was right and we started listing things that we wanted to do before the world ended on 21st December 2012. In all honesty, I can only remember 3-4 of the things I listed.

Well, 21st is next Thursday and I haven't done a single thing on my list. Perhaps I was too naive when I listed those thinking I could accomplish them by 20 but they were (maybe) rather realistic things to do (except maybe one).

I'm not saying I believe the world will end next week...In fact I doubt it, you'd think the warning signs would appear by now. But in Form 5, 2012 looked like an eternity more. It felt like anything could be accomplished.

I do it almost every year, write down a list of things I want to get accomplished by the end of the year. Except perhaps general stuff like grade expectations, I find myself putting down the same goals every year.

Perhaps that is human nature, to sit there and hope instead of getting up and doing. All I know is that if the world ends next week, I haven't done anything I truly wanted. I wouldn't die happy or satisfied. I guess this should be a wake-up call for me, to tell me to get on with my life, do what I want to do... but generally most of my goals just doesn't fullfilable on my own, at least currently.

Besides, it's not been a bad year. I've experienced/learned more things than I care to admit. Things I never thought I would do. Maybe it's not been that bad of a life. I haven't done what I always wanted to do but for a 20 year old with my biopsychosocial status, I think I've done pretty ok.

Shadow Self?

This is always something that bugged me. I always heard people wanting to date people who were like them but I kinda figured that wouldn't work. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm very in to personality stuff and as far as I can tell (generally but not all), astrology personalities are quite accurate. (Again personalities not the stupid future thing). So, according to dating compatibility, try not to date within your sign (they can either be super compatible or extremely uncompatible). I dunno, comparing my relationships it makes sense. Initially I find it very hard to get along with Taurus' but give it time, they are nice to talk to because some things are relatable.

I would never want to date a Taurus. I mean I'm not going to ask my future boyfriend his sign then run away or anything but I doubt a Taurus would work for me. I know the weaknesses of a Taurus and frankly, with both parties of the relationship with the same weakness, it will be a pain in the neck. I haven't actually met a male Taurus yet though... (I generally only ask the horoscope of people closer to me) So whether we are compatible is something I never really analyzed.

I always wanted to meet myself. I see the view of myself from an unbiased eyes but i honesly doubt I'd like myself very much. Whether because of the poor view I have of myself or this shadow self concept I've been talking about. And it kinda makes sense. I dunno if it's just to diversify personalities but shows with a group don't really have people with the same personalities. Like the Ninja Turtles for example, each one of them exemplifies Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Whether it's the shows idea of diversifying the cast, or it kinda shows that characters with similar personalities don't generally get along.

Which leads me to the last part, identifying with characters in a show. Sometimes (but very rarely) when I read a book or watch a show, I'd go, 'Hey this reminds me of someone' but I never really experienced it myself. The closest I've gotten was to Luigi but I think that's more of me identifying so much with his character that in my head canon, I've twisted him into how I want him to be (Well, Repo! didn't really give me much to work on. Every fan has their own head canon/interpretation of the characters) But nada. I dunno if perhaps my personality is too unmarketable but nope not even among the unlikeble characters have I found myself. Someone suggested it might be the shadow self concept again. The characters who are most like you annoy you so much that you can't bring yourself to identify with them.

So actually I'd like to hear your opinions. Are your good friends or significant other anything like you? Have you identified or found yourself as characters in shows, movies etc? Well, hit me up and comment below or on my facebook post. ^_^

New Blog

http://portraitofaninfp.blogspot.com/

To make it clear, I'm not changing my blog. Pits of Depression will still be here for years to come for me to bitch and whine. I just wanted to try something new. So just check it out. If it gets the response I want, then I might continue (until sem starts at least xD)

Dilemma or Copycat?

Ok so hey guyz I'm back. Short post this time. A friend of mine has just changed her blog to have a more 'bloggish' feel instead of a diary and I was wondering if that might be a good idea. I mean generally I know the population of my readers (prior to me sharing my blog on FB) and it's pretty much 2 or 3 of my closest friends who like reading. I have been looking for a hobby to fill my 4 months holiday, so perhaps a more formal blog would be better? Of course I'd have to think up a topic first and suggestions would be helpful. Don't worry though, I'm not dumping this blog. I still need a place to whine and rant. Especially with 2nd year of Med School coming up (if I can make it).

Of course there's also the problem with me never finishing what I started as well as my essay tones are more personal and story based. I hardly ever write factual essays though I guess opinion based wouldn't be half bad. So whaddaya guyz think? It would be a way to spend my time. I was thinking of, not say reviewing per-say, but more on give my opinion of random stuff like the lastest movie I watched or website I visited or boardgame I played (bigger excuse to go to Meeples). I know I do that already but perhaps a more formal 'reviewy' view than a personal one, i dunno... So suggestions and comments will be greatly appreciated. ^_^

PS Yes, I'm clearly ignoring the fact I should be studying now...