I am so lonely. I am so tired and lonely. I am just sitting here at 11.30 because I cant' bring myself to get up and bathe. I have no one to talk to about this so I'm sitting here typing on this blog that no one reads because I need someone to listen even if that someone is no one. Truly though, even if there's someone who could listen, what can I say? How do I put it into words? How do you put it out there without sounding whiny?

If this was a new thing I wouldn't mind but...I just can't deal with this anymore. I come back everyday to an empty house (well not so much empty as everyone just isolates themselves) and its reached a point that I'm so used to it that I'd rather just be anti-social too. I have no one to tell about my day and the walk home everyday just feels so...reluctant.

I know that this loneliness was not as bad as the start of the year where my thoughts became so distorted, I had to run home every other weekend to convince myself that I was being ridiculous. But it's getting there. I can feel it in my chest with every shallow breath that I can't do this anymore.

I keep thinking about that 1 and a half weeks that I was depressed, like truly really depressed (yes, i kept count because I wanted to see if it'd be diagnosable). I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it again. Truly, I was just so glad that it was over that I didn't really care about it but now, I keep replaying that time in my head. How no one noticed how badly I was drowning. How I was just doing nothing but lying in bed and crying  and no one seemed to care. How every class was just a struggle to breathe. And everytime I was alone, even if it was a public place was just another battle to fight myself from crying. I thought someone would notice but no one did. Not the one who always seem to tell when I was emo, not my so called psychiatrist tutor, not the one who when I told her my symptoms asked me if I was depressed, said we should talk and never contacted me after that to ask if I was ok. I'd never felt more alone in my life. I'd never felt so let down by the people I cared about before.

I know, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I brought that up. There's just so many things I need to get off my chest.

Sorry...got distracted by my housemate coming out to discuss our research project (wow, she come out to talk to me, miracle.) I wonder if my eyes don't turn red like most people when they cry, or she's just that blur to not notice.

Nyway, I got distracted so I can't continue, not like anyone reads this anyway. Cheers. Here's to another couple of months before the next post. xD