Sobering thought

I've just had a sobering thought. If I were (for any reason) to drop dead tonight, I'd probably start to decay before anyone found my body.

This is not some depressed thoughts or anything like that. I remember a long time ago I was playing? this website about a woman who died in her apartment and was not discovered until 3? or was it 6 months later (and that was cause of the smell). I never lived alone before. So I knew that would never be a problem.

But now I am alone.

I can try to imagine things realistically. I don't show up for work. People would assume I overslept/MC/EL etc. Maybe a whatsapp from the TL asking to explain myself. He wouldn't get an answer. He'd think I was avoiding him. Another day or two. Maybe the specialist finds out, maybe TL informs her, doesn't matter. An angry exclamation, "Please tell her to contact me ASAP." The TL would pass on the message. But I wouldn't answer. A week pass. Everyone assumes I MIA; maybe I quit HO, maybe I'm overwhelmed by stress. They write me off.

I guess how long it takes for me to be discovered would be how long before my parents start freaking out about me not answering. But it would take awhile. They'd assumed I was too tired to answer my calls. Too busy to reply to messages.

So how long before I'm discovered? I really have no clue. But it is a really sobering thought.

And a real flashing sign on how alone I truly am.

Whether anyone I am working with now would think/realize that there was something very wrong with me not showing up and not answering my messages/calls? To know me enough that I'm so insecure in my decisions that if I ever decided to leave for good, I'd ask a million and 1 people on their opinion. To care enough that even if they truly believed I ran, to still worry enough to check on me to be safe. 

So...I'm heading to the airport in about 2/3 hours. You would think the years of looking forward to this, the months of excitement would mean something right? All I feel now is anxiety. I mean...it should be normal right? Going to a new place. But I expected nerves or something like that not full-blown anxiety. Then again, maybe nerves = anxiety now. Maybe I've 'upgraded' in a way that I can't go back.

4.5 months. It's not that long honestly. I don't even know what I'm worried about. Loneliness? I'm kinda used to it by now tbh. And I'm staying with friends so I'd probably have a lack of privacy more than lonely... Cold? Tbh I don't think it's something that would really bother me? I mean even if I didn't bring warm enough clothing, I could just get it there. Exp or not, its kind off a small deal... So what's the problem? I can't figure it out.

I mean of course I'm worried I didn't pack something (or pack too much that I can't pack it back when I come back) but like I said earlier...it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, I can just get whatever I missed there. That I won't have fun? I mean yea...I'd find it a waste of money if we don't have fun there but...not really a big deal if you really think about it. So what's the god-damn problem? Is it just the Taurus in me fearing change? I'm staying with the same people I've been staying with the last 2 years, lodging worked out as perfect as it could be so why am I so...

Am I worried that I will enjoy Australia so much I'll regret not applying? No that doesn't sound like it... I don't know anymore. I thought writing in my blog will let me pinpoint my feelings but nope. Nothing seems to be settling.

I started again last week after dealing with my landlord. It wasn't serious or anything but...I guess I didn't expect it. It was just once, but well...I know what once means. (Oh god S Club 7 is on tv. Haven't seen them for ages hahahaha). Haha yea let's change the subject. I'm sharing rooms in Australia anyway, won't have a chance to continue I guess. Haha maybe I'm scared of my roommate. She's very particular in her ways.

I still can't breathe.

So ok got no one asking me about my last post so I know no ones reading anymore. So I guess I can rant more here xD

The worst thing about having (and learning about) depression before is knowing that while the first time had a (very valid) trigger, the times after that usually don't. And the more episodes you have, the easier it is to have another episode (and hence a vicious cycle). So now I'm just fearing another episode. I'm stressed now so I'm becoming more irritable, moody etc and there just that constant fear when is it going to change, when's the ball going to drop.

My last depressed episode started with strong persistent anxiety and now, today, I had really bad anxiety. I don't know if it was percipitated by coffee or something but it was seriously bad. Like couldn't concentrate in class kinda bad. Constantly distracted, weird abdominal symptoms, heart racing and of course the ever present 'feeling that something is wrong'. Anxiety sites cite it as 'feeling of impending doom'. I guess I can understand how they'd interpret it as that but honestly the only way I can describe is that it feels like something is wrong.

I was so paranoid today I'd fall back in. I barely talked during dinner, voice felt low, just generally felt like myself when I was depressed. And all I wanted was dinner to end and everyone to leave me alone so I could isolate myself, emo, etc. And suddenly when Rashmin called inviting me out, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. Like immediately I became myself, normal. Even bouncing a little, happy. And there was no reason for it unless...the reason I've been so down recently is really just because I've been lonely. Like I didn't even know if dinner would be awkward or I'd be ignored or anything. I just flipped.

I don't know what this post is trying to say. Just needing a place to rant I guess. It's weird that...compared to last year, generally this year is so much better unless I'm alone (which now generally means 90% of the time). I guess I'm just lonely...who knows. I'm just really tired that's all.

But...

Tonight was a good night.

Maybe this was what I needed all along.

I am so lonely. I am so tired and lonely. I am just sitting here at 11.30 because I cant' bring myself to get up and bathe. I have no one to talk to about this so I'm sitting here typing on this blog that no one reads because I need someone to listen even if that someone is no one. Truly though, even if there's someone who could listen, what can I say? How do I put it into words? How do you put it out there without sounding whiny?

If this was a new thing I wouldn't mind but...I just can't deal with this anymore. I come back everyday to an empty house (well not so much empty as everyone just isolates themselves) and its reached a point that I'm so used to it that I'd rather just be anti-social too. I have no one to tell about my day and the walk home everyday just feels so...reluctant.

I know that this loneliness was not as bad as the start of the year where my thoughts became so distorted, I had to run home every other weekend to convince myself that I was being ridiculous. But it's getting there. I can feel it in my chest with every shallow breath that I can't do this anymore.

I keep thinking about that 1 and a half weeks that I was depressed, like truly really depressed (yes, i kept count because I wanted to see if it'd be diagnosable). I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it again. Truly, I was just so glad that it was over that I didn't really care about it but now, I keep replaying that time in my head. How no one noticed how badly I was drowning. How I was just doing nothing but lying in bed and crying  and no one seemed to care. How every class was just a struggle to breathe. And everytime I was alone, even if it was a public place was just another battle to fight myself from crying. I thought someone would notice but no one did. Not the one who always seem to tell when I was emo, not my so called psychiatrist tutor, not the one who when I told her my symptoms asked me if I was depressed, said we should talk and never contacted me after that to ask if I was ok. I'd never felt more alone in my life. I'd never felt so let down by the people I cared about before.

I know, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I brought that up. There's just so many things I need to get off my chest.

Sorry...got distracted by my housemate coming out to discuss our research project (wow, she come out to talk to me, miracle.) I wonder if my eyes don't turn red like most people when they cry, or she's just that blur to not notice.

Nyway, I got distracted so I can't continue, not like anyone reads this anyway. Cheers. Here's to another couple of months before the next post. xD

I wanna quit med school.

XD

Well now that's I've caught your attention, here's what I wanna say. I wanna quit med school. XD

No...not really. I mean I've made it this far, I won't turn back now. 

But... I kinda wished I'd known I was an INFP long ago and accepted how I was. I would have known so long ago that all my extroverted behaviors were me being gripped by my shadow self. I mean truthfully, school was a challenging time for me esp as an introvert, and my shadow type/self just took over without me knowing. Like literally, I can't imagine myself being a choleric at all. I can't believe I used to (think I) liked being in a leadership position. Like I can actually imagine all that being a nightmare for me now. I mean don't get me wrong, my shadow self probably do come out now and again but not so much that I believe it's my whole personality.

Which brings me back to what a nightmare talking to people are. Just two weeks holiday and I'm already unable to talk to patients again. (Not that I was any better towards the end of last sem but it wasn't so bad seriously. Like it didn't take me that long to get the courage to approach the patient.) Today? OMG It took my forever to approach anyone and I hated it so much. I just wanted to run away so bad. It's like I'm back in frist week again.

I dunno if it's me never realizing how hard it was for me to talk to people or me just not realizing how much human interaction I'd have before entering med school. I keep telling myself it'd be better when I actually become a doctor since patients would be approaching me, not the other way around...but I really don't know. I'm actually tempted to specialize in anaesthesia so I'd never have to face another patient again. 

I'd actually thought I'd gotten ok at it already. I mean this is only a 2 week break. Am I gonna face this again after raya? 

Argh I hate being distracted in between blogging now I lost the mood to type. 

I dunno lar... the strange thing was a month (or two) ago my friend asked me if I could go back in time and warn myself against being a med student, would I? I told her I didn't know and probably not. Now the answer has gone the opposite direction. Like even though I still have no idea what else I would have done if I didn't take this field, it feels like anything would be better than this. 

(I still find it so strange I type with my left hand normally and with only my index finger on my right. Haiz)

And housemanship....I'm seriously dreading that. Like... it litterally is just clerking patients and being yelled and questioned by whoevers above you. Like seriously, I can't imagine a nightmare worse than that. 2 years is a seriously long time. 

And half the time I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a doctor. I mean even removing everything about studies (which I am seriously lacking in and I just blank out when questioned). Half the time I think I'm too soft to be a doctor, other half I think I'm too unfeeling. I don't know if it's just my imagination or if I think too much some of the time but... Honestly though I don't know what makes a good doctor. Because I can't imagine caring for your patient without CARING for your patient (like getting emotionally involved and all that). Simultaneously, I can't imagine caring for my patients and getting emotionally involved with them. I dunno if it's cause the patients I meet now are just people I interview and not actually MY patients. 

I honestly don't know... I mean I can't say I'm stuck because I really don't plan to quit anymore. But... how would I deal with this nightmare. When I actually become a doctor... would it still feel this shitty? I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't do anything about it anymore. I guess I should just soldier on...

Anime Us

 

Tried to get it to look like me as much as possible. Too bad there were no weight options xD 

Wanted to make something more anime-ish, turned out a bit bishou-ny so decided to make a guy instead. Cute neh? XD

Well next I tried Anime Luigi. Didn't turn out half bad thought I'd wish they'd let me make him angrier. The apron thing looked weird but it was the closest I could get to an ascot xD.

Alucia. Sorta. XD

Yes as you can see I'm doing all I can not to study. xD

Type 4s

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
• having aesthetic sensibilities
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
• expecting too much from myself and life
• fearing being abandoned
• obsessing over resentments
• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
• are very sensitive
• feel that they don't fit in
• believe they are missing something that other people have
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
• support their children's creativity and originality
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Source: http://www.9types.com/descr/4/