So ok got no one asking me about my last post so I know no ones reading anymore. So I guess I can rant more here xD

The worst thing about having (and learning about) depression before is knowing that while the first time had a (very valid) trigger, the times after that usually don't. And the more episodes you have, the easier it is to have another episode (and hence a vicious cycle). So now I'm just fearing another episode. I'm stressed now so I'm becoming more irritable, moody etc and there just that constant fear when is it going to change, when's the ball going to drop.

My last depressed episode started with strong persistent anxiety and now, today, I had really bad anxiety. I don't know if it was percipitated by coffee or something but it was seriously bad. Like couldn't concentrate in class kinda bad. Constantly distracted, weird abdominal symptoms, heart racing and of course the ever present 'feeling that something is wrong'. Anxiety sites cite it as 'feeling of impending doom'. I guess I can understand how they'd interpret it as that but honestly the only way I can describe is that it feels like something is wrong.

I was so paranoid today I'd fall back in. I barely talked during dinner, voice felt low, just generally felt like myself when I was depressed. And all I wanted was dinner to end and everyone to leave me alone so I could isolate myself, emo, etc. And suddenly when Rashmin called inviting me out, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. Like immediately I became myself, normal. Even bouncing a little, happy. And there was no reason for it unless...the reason I've been so down recently is really just because I've been lonely. Like I didn't even know if dinner would be awkward or I'd be ignored or anything. I just flipped.

I don't know what this post is trying to say. Just needing a place to rant I guess. It's weird that...compared to last year, generally this year is so much better unless I'm alone (which now generally means 90% of the time). I guess I'm just lonely...who knows. I'm just really tired that's all.

But...

Tonight was a good night.

Maybe this was what I needed all along.