So ok got no one asking me about my last post so I know no ones reading anymore. So I guess I can rant more here xD

The worst thing about having (and learning about) depression before is knowing that while the first time had a (very valid) trigger, the times after that usually don't. And the more episodes you have, the easier it is to have another episode (and hence a vicious cycle). So now I'm just fearing another episode. I'm stressed now so I'm becoming more irritable, moody etc and there just that constant fear when is it going to change, when's the ball going to drop.

My last depressed episode started with strong persistent anxiety and now, today, I had really bad anxiety. I don't know if it was percipitated by coffee or something but it was seriously bad. Like couldn't concentrate in class kinda bad. Constantly distracted, weird abdominal symptoms, heart racing and of course the ever present 'feeling that something is wrong'. Anxiety sites cite it as 'feeling of impending doom'. I guess I can understand how they'd interpret it as that but honestly the only way I can describe is that it feels like something is wrong.

I was so paranoid today I'd fall back in. I barely talked during dinner, voice felt low, just generally felt like myself when I was depressed. And all I wanted was dinner to end and everyone to leave me alone so I could isolate myself, emo, etc. And suddenly when Rashmin called inviting me out, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. Like immediately I became myself, normal. Even bouncing a little, happy. And there was no reason for it unless...the reason I've been so down recently is really just because I've been lonely. Like I didn't even know if dinner would be awkward or I'd be ignored or anything. I just flipped.

I don't know what this post is trying to say. Just needing a place to rant I guess. It's weird that...compared to last year, generally this year is so much better unless I'm alone (which now generally means 90% of the time). I guess I'm just lonely...who knows. I'm just really tired that's all.

But...

Tonight was a good night.

Maybe this was what I needed all along.

I am so lonely. I am so tired and lonely. I am just sitting here at 11.30 because I cant' bring myself to get up and bathe. I have no one to talk to about this so I'm sitting here typing on this blog that no one reads because I need someone to listen even if that someone is no one. Truly though, even if there's someone who could listen, what can I say? How do I put it into words? How do you put it out there without sounding whiny?

If this was a new thing I wouldn't mind but...I just can't deal with this anymore. I come back everyday to an empty house (well not so much empty as everyone just isolates themselves) and its reached a point that I'm so used to it that I'd rather just be anti-social too. I have no one to tell about my day and the walk home everyday just feels so...reluctant.

I know that this loneliness was not as bad as the start of the year where my thoughts became so distorted, I had to run home every other weekend to convince myself that I was being ridiculous. But it's getting there. I can feel it in my chest with every shallow breath that I can't do this anymore.

I keep thinking about that 1 and a half weeks that I was depressed, like truly really depressed (yes, i kept count because I wanted to see if it'd be diagnosable). I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it again. Truly, I was just so glad that it was over that I didn't really care about it but now, I keep replaying that time in my head. How no one noticed how badly I was drowning. How I was just doing nothing but lying in bed and crying  and no one seemed to care. How every class was just a struggle to breathe. And everytime I was alone, even if it was a public place was just another battle to fight myself from crying. I thought someone would notice but no one did. Not the one who always seem to tell when I was emo, not my so called psychiatrist tutor, not the one who when I told her my symptoms asked me if I was depressed, said we should talk and never contacted me after that to ask if I was ok. I'd never felt more alone in my life. I'd never felt so let down by the people I cared about before.

I know, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I brought that up. There's just so many things I need to get off my chest.

Sorry...got distracted by my housemate coming out to discuss our research project (wow, she come out to talk to me, miracle.) I wonder if my eyes don't turn red like most people when they cry, or she's just that blur to not notice.

Nyway, I got distracted so I can't continue, not like anyone reads this anyway. Cheers. Here's to another couple of months before the next post. xD