Friends? What friends?

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound

Yoz!!! I updated my blog, finally. Hahaha. So as you know I just came back from Australia and because of that have missed our class' Melaka trip. I don't really regret it because I honestly think it's money I don't think worth spending and Australia is so much more cooler but I guess I just regret not being able to celebrate this closeness with my tea party gang (and the other gangs as well). I guess I just feel this way because I feel like I'm drifting from my gang. Maybe cause I don't come as early or stay as late so I spend almost the least time of all. My ultimate fear is that they don't really want to spend time with me but do it because well...they feel sorry for me or something... Maybe it's cause I'm not used to having a group of close friends. What I had was one or 2 really good or best friends and well it was like only us kinda thing. I will freely admit that I have been jealous in the past when my good friends grew close to others. Maybe it's cause I fear abandonment but I hope I have outgrown that fear because one day everyone must say goodbye and it's foolish to think otherwise.

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say

To quote Aisyah: I sense drama on Facebook. I am not here to justify myself or say I'm innocent in this affair but I think that since I am coming clean I am going to say my piece since I have never really talked about this not even to Peanut Ice (I think). I want to make this very clear that yes, we were friends once upon a time, best friends if you wish to say so. I had crap, u had crap but we were fine. I want you to know I still keep your letters and I smile when I read them. I know it's about time I burn them but there are memories even i don't want to throw away. Maybe you do not know me well enough to know that loyalty is a virtue I hold highly. Yes, I admit I have not been loyal sometimes maybe to Peanut Ice or Piggy or (ketua toothpick, i just realized u dun have a nickname) or the tea party gang or anyone else that I have once held dear in my life. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for them even if I don't show it.

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I guess there is just one too many things I just can't stand. I guess I feel comfortable enough to mention it here now. Everyone has crap. No one has a perfect personality. There are things that I can't stand from people close to me. Yes even from peanut ice or the tea party gang or Soul. And there are definitely things about me people can't stand. I'm not pretending to be perfect. Maybe one day I'll end up bitter and alone and it will be my own doing but that's not the point I'm driving at.

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new, yeah yeah

Tell me, my friend, how many times when we were supposedly best friends have you betrayed my trust? It was not once or twice or thrice but so much more. How many times have you reported me to Mr Shahrul desperate to get me fired perhaps? How many times have you told others, almost strangers about my 'condition'? Yes, I admit that I wasn't exactly very good at hiding it but that's beside the point. Anyone you'd ask would know you don't tell people things like that. Some secrets are meant to be that. I was never bitter when you told the counselor about my 'problem' but telling my classmates, people I tried to make friends with was just well...mean. I called you a bitch when i caught you doing it. I regretted it and was truly sorry about it but the damage had been done on both sides. I knew I could not trust you.

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

Tell me, friend, why is it that I had people telling me that I wasn't as bad as you described me to be? If they were good friends to you and you were telling them that as a way to release your feelings then fine I accept it. Eunice has been my sounding board more than once but this was different. This was pure utter bitching and yet, best friend you called me. This happened the same time you wrote those letters... 2 faced? Or perhaps you talked too much? I can't imagine doing it honestly. Walking up to one of my classmates (outside the tea-party gang) at the start of the year and start telling them about Piggys or Ketua Toothpicks weaknesses or imperfection. I can't see it and I can't bear doing it because because I know them for so long my classmates would believe me and they would be wary of them. That is just utterly cruel and it would have been hard for them to have made friends.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa whoa

I don't know why but this minor thing was the last straw for me. For that short period of time, I actually believed I was in love with one of my female classmate. (I am finally able to recall the event without feeling ashamed. Thank God) Someone decided it would be good fun to spread it around to school. I was scared, lonely and felt like an outcast. I bared my soul to you and you looked me in the eye and told me you hated homos. I will never forget that moment. It was like you had pronounced a death sentence on me. So yes, my support for gay rights comes from this incident where for that period of time I understood how it felt to be them. I knew what is was like to face homophobia and at that moment when I realized I did not love her but admired her as a person and that I preferred the opposite gender was the moment I realized that being gay was not wrong (that and a healthy dose of slash fics). I will never forget that at that moment while both you and Peanut Ice held me as their best friend, only one of you stood by me at that time. That is something I will always remember, even until the day I die and I will be forever grateful. You were always jealous that me and Peanut Ice shared a closer relationship then I had with you.You always took it that it was solely because we had more in common or we didn't understand you. I want you to see this and understand. She accepted me for who I am and I accept her Japanese Pretty Boys and all. So yea, stop with the whole 'pity me' thing. It's getting old.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

' If a vase breaks, it can be mended but there will always be the cracks to remind you of what happened.''
That's all I have to say I guess. You are right, it takes 2 to tango and if you want to rant about my mistakes in your blog go ahead. I don't even care if you read this or not. Like I said this is not about throwing blame around or confrontation, this is about me releasing my feelings and all the anger and resentment I have kept pent up inside me all these years. I did not lie when i said I have buried my feelings when I buried you. I did not think about any of these incidents after you left. These resurfaced when you did and they have affected me too much for me to ignore them. I have said my piece and I am at peace.

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground