Hey everyone! I'm back. Honestly when I woke up this morning, I felt like the events of yesterday was just a dream. Everything felt so surreal and unbelievable. For one thing, it was almost like I fell asleep on Friday and woke up the next morning a very different person. I mean to say that I debated well is an overstatement but I did so much better than I thought I would. I literally broke down on Friday night and cried myself to sleep because I was so sure I was going to choke up and embarrass myself. I mean, in the end, I did choke up, I stuttered; but the confidence i displayed to everyone and y'know no one really thought any worse of. I made so many new friends which was a first for me because I never really talked to strangers even when approached. I didn't feel useless or angry with myself when I heard the judge's comments I just felt 'Yes, I will improve'.
I felt so comfortable up there in front of everyone. I feel more truth in my personal statement now. Even when I had no points to say, I just crapped with whatever crappy point I could and just prayed it worked. Even when it didn't I didn't feel dejected, I just repeated to myself I made the best of a bad situation. At the Gala dinner, I met a church friend (well more like someone I really admired) and for once I actually held a conversation with. Even he could see the difference in me. I was by myself and I was surrounded by people and never once did I feel alone or left out. I just felt so comfortable. Truly a very different person.
Haha left my post halfway and now I've lost my mood to continue. Haha oh well. I guess I'm gonna say ciao now. Well...ciao
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Haiz
Hey everyone! It's me again. Sorry for the late update. Haven't had the mood to do anything online except watch Bleach. Hehehe. Yea don't worry won't go on and on about it. Haven't the mood. So anyways these two days have just got back my exam papers. Well except for maths it was like 10 times better than I expected. You'd think I'd be happy right? I mean I was ecstatic at the I receive my results but I don't know. I just feel so glum now. Well not glum exactly just very tired. I don't know, maybe worrying about the exams kept me pumped up or something but now it's like meh whatever man.
I don't know maybe it's just the usual down me. I feel so out of place like something is being a barrier between me and the outside world. I feel like I was made wrong; that He'd put in too much of something or not enough. I feel souless and faithless. I mean I do pray now and then but it feels fake...memorized. I envy those who'd get everything down. I envy those people I despise for dividing the world into black and white. To be so simple in thinking. I envy those who see the glass as half full because at the end of the day no matter how much water there is in that glass it will never be enough. It will overflow and it won't be enough. Nothing will be enough. I won't be enough.
I'd swore I'd give Adam a better post than this but I dunno. I feel so unmotivated. I should be off celebrating, buying his tickets instead of sitting flat on my but, oblivious. Maybe it's the fact that I'd have to go to the concert alone. Alone...you'd think I'd get used to it by now. I mean hey, it's nothing new. Alone...hahahahahaha what a funny word. Alone...the dictionary defines it as lacking companions or companionship. Companions...friends...I have that (or at least I think I have)...I have family...I have people...so why do I feel so alone. So...isolated from everyone else. Is my thinking too advanced from anyone else? Too behind? Am I too mature? Too childish? Or have I just reached that stage where I just don't fucking care and I just want to...well you know...
You'd think I'd be scared of hell. The pain, the torture, the loneliness, the isolation, the fact that you'd scream and no one would hear you, that no one would care. Hell would be hell. Not in my top ten places to visit. But then again, without expectation can there be true pain? Without hope, nothing could ever crush it again. But then what is life without hope? The hope that one day, life would be better. The hope that one day, people would actually understand. The hope that one day there will just be that person with that one smile, that one touch so you would finally feel beautiful for once, to actually feel good about yourself. What is life without hope? Without dreams?
I envy those who saw flowers, food and people in that dining room. (Tea-party gang, you know what I'm talking about). Until now I can see no people in that room; no food; no flowers. I try to imagine flowers and when I do I see candles and an guy there with no face. I've been thinking of placing the flowers on the bed instead of the window and I don't like what that says about me. I've stopped thinking that Little John was romantic and that Marion should not settle for him. I think that I'm beginning to see a more, well not noble but better vision of the Sheriff then I ever did. I'm beginning to think that I can have a million and one results saying I'm an ENFP and I'd make a wonderful psychologists and all that crap and I still would think that something was wrong. I think ENFP's are usually those annoying characters in animes and movies. Well not annoying to the audience but to the characters, y'know? Comic relief. Anyone who knows me will know I'm no comic relief. Can't say something 'funny' without looking dumb. Hahaha....haiz (Btw I'm also looking at an argument on how Jesus is ENFP. Very 'amusing') Hahaha did you know ENFP's tend to fall into bad relationships? Tell that to Elizabeth Bennet. I want a Mr Darcy. T_T
Hahahaha ok I know major mood swing at the end right? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being sorry for myself when all I should do is get up, yell at myself and feel better. Maybe I just like thinking life is so horrid so that i could blame something for my lack of motivation, my misplaced anger. Maybe I'm just looking for attention which I pretend I don't get enough of at home. Maybe I should just stop reading fictions so I stop writing like some overdramatic drama story. Hahahaha k y'all nitez.
PS: sorry guys too lazy to look for a song to put in
I don't know maybe it's just the usual down me. I feel so out of place like something is being a barrier between me and the outside world. I feel like I was made wrong; that He'd put in too much of something or not enough. I feel souless and faithless. I mean I do pray now and then but it feels fake...memorized. I envy those who'd get everything down. I envy those people I despise for dividing the world into black and white. To be so simple in thinking. I envy those who see the glass as half full because at the end of the day no matter how much water there is in that glass it will never be enough. It will overflow and it won't be enough. Nothing will be enough. I won't be enough.
I'd swore I'd give Adam a better post than this but I dunno. I feel so unmotivated. I should be off celebrating, buying his tickets instead of sitting flat on my but, oblivious. Maybe it's the fact that I'd have to go to the concert alone. Alone...you'd think I'd get used to it by now. I mean hey, it's nothing new. Alone...hahahahahaha what a funny word. Alone...the dictionary defines it as lacking companions or companionship. Companions...friends...I have that (or at least I think I have)...I have family...I have people...so why do I feel so alone. So...isolated from everyone else. Is my thinking too advanced from anyone else? Too behind? Am I too mature? Too childish? Or have I just reached that stage where I just don't fucking care and I just want to...well you know...
You'd think I'd be scared of hell. The pain, the torture, the loneliness, the isolation, the fact that you'd scream and no one would hear you, that no one would care. Hell would be hell. Not in my top ten places to visit. But then again, without expectation can there be true pain? Without hope, nothing could ever crush it again. But then what is life without hope? The hope that one day, life would be better. The hope that one day, people would actually understand. The hope that one day there will just be that person with that one smile, that one touch so you would finally feel beautiful for once, to actually feel good about yourself. What is life without hope? Without dreams?
I envy those who saw flowers, food and people in that dining room. (Tea-party gang, you know what I'm talking about). Until now I can see no people in that room; no food; no flowers. I try to imagine flowers and when I do I see candles and an guy there with no face. I've been thinking of placing the flowers on the bed instead of the window and I don't like what that says about me. I've stopped thinking that Little John was romantic and that Marion should not settle for him. I think that I'm beginning to see a more, well not noble but better vision of the Sheriff then I ever did. I'm beginning to think that I can have a million and one results saying I'm an ENFP and I'd make a wonderful psychologists and all that crap and I still would think that something was wrong. I think ENFP's are usually those annoying characters in animes and movies. Well not annoying to the audience but to the characters, y'know? Comic relief. Anyone who knows me will know I'm no comic relief. Can't say something 'funny' without looking dumb. Hahaha....haiz (Btw I'm also looking at an argument on how Jesus is ENFP. Very 'amusing') Hahaha did you know ENFP's tend to fall into bad relationships? Tell that to Elizabeth Bennet. I want a Mr Darcy. T_T
Hahahaha ok I know major mood swing at the end right? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being sorry for myself when all I should do is get up, yell at myself and feel better. Maybe I just like thinking life is so horrid so that i could blame something for my lack of motivation, my misplaced anger. Maybe I'm just looking for attention which I pretend I don't get enough of at home. Maybe I should just stop reading fictions so I stop writing like some overdramatic drama story. Hahahaha k y'all nitez.
PS: sorry guys too lazy to look for a song to put in
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