Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

Hey everyone! It's my birthday! Wiipee........ **** it, it's the worst birthday ever. I'm so tired. I tried to give myself the best birthday present ever. I told the guy I liked, I liked him. He didn't give any reaction at all so I turned and ran. As Steph won't fail to remind me 'like a 3-grade kid'. It was so stupid. Shit!

Just some wishful drinking on my- part,
wishful thinking from my- heart.
Wasted spinning of my brain inside my head

This guy is a close friend of mine. So I was so worried that y'know our friendship will dissolve if he rejects me. So I told him be4 I told him I liked him that no matter what I say we should still be friends. So he tries...it feels fake...even what I say feels fake. Like we're trying too hard. I know it'll take some time but I don't want our friendship to fade. I know he feels awkward but I dun understand. He knew a mutual friend of ours used to like him and their close as ever. Could we be the same? I'm so scared.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don 't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Sometimes I'd feel like blaming Steph but I know it's not her fault. I shouldn't have told her i should have just lied. Before anyone knew I managed to tell myself I was only in love with the idea of liking him. But when I told the girls, it felt real and that drove me to tell him. I even saw signs that were never there. He sounded jealous when I professed my undying love to Adam (American Idol) but I guess I read the signals wrong. He's probably disgusted that I like a gay guy.

I can't continue anymore. I've never really cried over a guy before...I just did. I don't know why it hurts so much. It shouldn't...it's just a stupid crush...I feel so confused and sad. I'm half glad 2moro is Saturday so I don't have to face him. I just hope he can forget it over the weekend and everything can go back to normal. I was so stupid to think he'd like me I mean who would ever like me? I'm a fat, ugly, cursing bitch. Who could ever care?

I can't believe I'm quoting an Avenue Q song but it's so true especially the bolded ones.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Random Tags/Tests

Surprisingly accurate for something with such random questions. As usual, the ones in aqua are the ones I agree with. Yellow are my comments.

Get to Know Yourself Better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior. I don't really agree with this 100% cause I am looking for a boyfriend, but maybe it's sometimes I want something more or something special.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. Yes and no...I have not been in a real relationship so I can't really answer this but yea probably but right now I don't really care.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love. Amen to this. The problem is I can't really identify who I like so that's a problem...but yea I think I will really fall in love once I meet the right person.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. ...Again yes and no...I hate school and studying but I do agree it's important...maybe this applies more to maybe learning something I like.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. This is probably the step I will take when I choose my job...but I would love to be able to do what I want to do.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous. Again...I have other careers in mind...things that are not very safe...but still that would be great.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. Concerned? More like terrified. I keep telling people be who don't be anyone else but I feel like I'm changing day by day to someone i think my friends would want and I hate it. I just want to be me.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. ...I think People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. This you have to ask my friends... I'm not very sure. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The Real You (Not as Accurate)

1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm. All i have to say is WTF? This is nothing like me AT ALL!!!
   
4. Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right? Again WTF? Totally not me AT ALL
   
5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence (didn't they just say I wasn't confident?) and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

What's Your Personality Love Style?
You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love. Two words A-men. Hehe

What does being a friend really mean to you?

You value your friendships: 60%

You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends. ...No comment.

How you control your husband, who will lead the family and who will be led?

You will never expect to control your boyfriend or husband. Your boyfriend and you will take turns to make decision and the decision is often acceptable to both of you. Whatever you want to let him know, you can just tell him straightforwardly. This is a good relationship, a pretty modern one. Amen

1. Your future friend: You have a big sister confidence and leadership. So you friends are mostly vulnerable and always need your help. You can't resist helping these people and eventually you all will become good friends.
2. Your travel plan: In the future, you will often take overseas trips especially to modernized countries. You will get to explore Europe and North Asia like you always wanted.
3. Your future financial status: You are a big spender! You always spend on friends and luxury goods without feeling guilty. No matter how much you earn, you churn to match it. Your credit cards get thinner and thinner from frequent swipes. The figure in your bank account is not what you enjoy seeing.
4. The last period of your life: You can't stand being a lonely old lady so you will spend the last days of you life being a kind loving grandparent so that the kids will love to have you around. yay
   

Love and Your Sweetheart

This man is a sporty type. He has a strong heart and easily comes to terms with the truth. He likes sport and physical challenges, and quickly gets bored with routine. As for women, he gets bored if they are too formal and proper. You need to be enthusiastic and ready to be spontaneous as the occasion requires it. He enjoys activities such as bush walking or rock climbing, so to keep the relationship running smoothly you should give them a go. I'm spontaneous so that's good right?