You know I'm desperate when I'm googling 'How to end a story'. T_T

The End!

I just realized that the only thing worse than not knowing how to end your story is having 10 endings to it and not knowing which to choose. T_T I have to finish the story before I head off to Taiping or it's going to bug me to no end. Besides, the three days would be a perfect break time for me to come back and edit out the crap. Haha who asked me to so smart and rewatch Phantom of the Opera. The story just jumped at me and I didn't want to give it up. :S I really should stop torturing Luigi and Pavi though (and Amber to some extent).

T_T How to end? I already kicked out the Happy Ending (well it is the Phantom of the Opera after all) but even the bittersweet ending does not beckon me. Do you know how many ways there is just to reach the same end point? Help!!! T_T I only have until tonight to finish it or I may never sleep. I need to wake up early tomorrow. T_T

Silly Choices

I have no idea whose bright idea was it to have a trip after the exams but I hate you (not really). Something I have noticed from SPM and even before is that exams pull people apart. Yea it's a sad situation for mid-year but I realize it was great for me for SPM because by the last day of exams, I wasn't as sad as I was during grad (which was way before the exams). I was used to not spending every day with the same people that I didn't even really feel the need to say goodbye. I think it somehow saddens me in a way cause it was these people that I never really bothered getting in touch with but at least it didn't hurt.

I guess I could say the same happened during A-Levels exams. I don't think I really had a longer than 2 minute conversation with anyone outside Tea Party. Then the trip came and everything was screwed up. Because we were close pre-exam, it was so comfortable to talk to some of them. I think I bonded to a few people that I only had awkward conversations with before (one of them thanks to the love of just soaking in the water). What's the point though? What's the point of forming new bonds that would only last a period of a few days?

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, I would say realistic (or as Romeo calls it 'down to earth') but I have not much hope in seeing anyone again. I mean yes, even if we do keep to our once a year plan, it wouldn't be the same. No one would be that close anymore. Maybe the gangs would be with each other in some ways but that's it. Is it weird that i'm missing people outside my gang more than in? Maybe I optimistically believe that it would take a long time for Tea Party to break up (though recently I've had my doubts) and so I'm not so worried about that yet. To quote Shu Why, you can call any Tea Party member and say 'I miss you, let's hang out' but can't really say that to anyone outside without sounding odd. So yea... maybe I'm being both optimistic and pessimistic at the same time.

So yea, I'm just really out of it. I'm not going to say I'm gonna bawl like a baby 2moro cause it's hard to make me cry. Tear up, easy, but cry, no. Doesn't mean I won't miss everyone though. Lolz, if you are not the hugging type and I ask for a hug just let me know kay? I like hugs and am kinda a touchy feely person so yea. Just let me know if you uncomfortable, I won't mind. Cya

:D Tumblr is bloody awesome. http://pitsofdepression.tumblr.com/ Haha I just followed my blogname so it's easy to find. XD Fell in love with it all over again. Just have to warn you guys about language cause I've filled my page with quotes from Otis from a movie who won an award for most curse words in so yea be careful. :)

Farewells

Chemistry, I am honestly not ready to say goodbye to you. You have always been an interesting subject which I never really cried, 'I've no interest to learn this' (even inorganic now). I'm hoping that Medicine has enough of you to keep me satisfied. You will always be my favourite science and I will never forget you.

Maths, I will miss you very much. You have been my favourite subject since primary and I don't want to stop. Perhaps I shall give tuition in tribute to you because I can't see my life without you. Will this be a reason I regret joining Medicine? Perhaps, but I guess I can't do maths for the rest of my life and to be honest I'm kinda relieved vectors is nowhere in my near future.

Physics, good luck and good riddance. I used to like you once when you were more logical. Now you were the source of my feelings of utter hopelessness. I was ready to say farewell to you many times this year. If ever I considered taking Engineering, you have convinced me otherwise. I guess I have to thank you for that. I will not miss you. Farewell.

Bio, I have just begun to touch you (eww...sounds wrong) in both the near and far sense. A week more before I say goodbye to the A-levels you but hello to a harder you for another 5 years. Please be kind to me as I do not have the memorizing power you need. I have slowly begun accepting you as my companion. We were enemies once, but sometimes enemies make the best friends (I should know, {smiles in nostalgia}). So please do not betray me and make me cry because I will hate you for as long as I live even if you were my roommate. :(

Feelin' Chicken

you're killing me with bacon, america
killing me with smog and taxes like axes in my neck
like hogs to the slaughter
what do i tell my daughters?
daddy's all heart but he's pushing bird way downtown
where the skin is brown and eyes are the size of the deficit?

you're killing me with bacon, america
just like the indians with tobacco and flour and fire water
balls, scabs, and rehab
sick in the blood face down in the mud
all hype and gripe and stars and stripes
ain't my flag today

i wanna belong, i wanna be proud
but your gay bashing voices are so fuckin loud
my choices shrinkin like bacon in the pan
spatter of hot grease spitting like mad geese
bombers and baghdad!
i am a college grad
but my life is a want ad

you're killing me with bacon, america
how shall i pray? the old fashion way?
down on my knees to the god of the weak?
or dig deep in my squeeze
wearing a red rubber nose clown clothes laughing as we go and saying something stupid like

I had to post this. Bill Moseley writes awesome poetry and while I'm not American I can identify with most of the lines. As you can probably tell from my tumblr and facebook, my favourite line is 'I wanna belong, I wanna be proud but your gay-bashing voices are so fucking loud.' It could just be my tagline. It says all I want to say if asked why I'm not as 'Christian' as I should be.

Bill Moseley/Nivek Ogre

There goes my resolution on the only real life pairing I'd ship is RDJ and Jude Law. Haha too bad you can't see Bill's face in this. Haha these two are so adorable together. I watched a bloody crap show just to see these two act together again. Haha well the show was awful, these two were just awesome. Haha I have a feeling they'd know the appeal they have together. I don't see any other reason for the scene where Ogre had that smile on his face like he'd rape Bill. But seriously for a (rock?)star and a horror movie legend they are awfully humble in interviews.

I suck at titles and summaries

Stupid blogger was down the whole day so I had to copy and paste this from word cause I was terrified I’d lose interest in writing out this post. Am so close to actually.

Well remember my last post about writing the story (which Blogger may or may not have deleted). Yea well two nights in a row while sleeping at 5 was what it took to finish it. I know I should be studying but yea, don’t feel so bad about it anymore.

When I wrote this story I knew I was writing another fanfiction story to suit my whim and fancy. What I never expected was what writing this story made me feel. Have you ever written or read or watched something that made walk away feeling like some part of you was lost or taken. I’m not talking about the serious kind when you break up or lose someone you care about. I can’t even explain the feeling really but that’s what I feel right now. I feel like writing that story took something from me that I can never get back.

I know it sounds over-dramatic or even some blatant attempt at promotion but it’s not. When I wrote the story I was this close to crying. I didn’t even do what most people suggested which is put myself in the characters position and write. I didn’t cause I just couldn’t imagine it, I didn’t want to. Yea Yea dear Charmaine has a heart, deal with it.

I had problems writing the character at first, I was convinced it sounded nothing like the original. That was when a voice whispered to me, ‘dude, the guy just lost his brother. Of course he’s not going to sound like himself.’ Boom immediately the words flowed from my hand. I stopped looking at him as Luigi the character, I looked at him as Luigi, the guy who discovered his dead brother sprawled on the floor. I stopped worrying about how he sounded, was he angry enough, did he even care?

I think this is one of the few times I wrote a story that I was so emotionally invested in. I think up to that I can only name 3, the terminator one (don’t ask), the abuse story I wrote for my exam (even this didn’t last long) and this. I have never cared so much about what was going to happen to the characters until now because I didn’t write the story, the story wrote itself and I was just the reader.

I think the first thing anyone who reads the story (if I ever decide to let anyone read) would say is, “These people are evil/horrible or something to that tone.” That’s because I’m not writing a story about a bad thing that happened to good people. I’m writing a story about a bad thing that happened to bad people and they still feel shit about it. I always hated the way (hong kong dramas especially) like to put the bad guys through shit towards the end, making us feel ‘hah, he deserved that.’ I wanted to write this story in a way that no one deserves that, not even if that guy is a murderer or just a mean-spirited fellow. I know not many people will agree as we can see on online comments “that rapist’s wife should get raped so he knows how it feels.” I have yet to agree or disagree with that comment but I wanted my story to reflect that bad people feel too.

Well that’s all I can think of writing. Am still feeling a little drained (ah yes that’s the word I was looking for) from writing the story. I can’t even watch any video with the characters (even a comedic one) without feeling worse than I already do. I think I really better get on with studying or I’d flunk my exams and really have something to cry about. Well good luck guys and ciaoz.

PS Aisyah I really want you to read this story since I think you’ve read all the stories that actually mattered to me. Haiz too bad I don’t have time to type it up and you are too busy with you’re exams. Oh well. Good luck then.

OMG it's 3 in the morning and I'm not studying Chem, I'm not practising maths; I'm writing a God damned story that is already 10 pages long and counting. Why did I start? Why? Granted this may just be my best work but still. I have to study. Why does all my inspiration come during the exams? Why? I'm so gonna screw next week.

HAH! Take that self-deprecating voice! Take that!

Hey guys. Wanted to take the time to tell you how much I appreciated what you guys have done for my birthday. I'm so sorry I've cause you guyz to waste so much of your study time. I know how much you guyz study and I'm so sorry and I really appreciate it. :)

I wanted to reply to your letters one by one but then I realized that I'd have nothing to write for the letters I'd swear I'd write to you all after A2. I'd just wanted to say that your letters made me grin in reminiscence and am touched by everything you have said. I had honestly no idea you had thought of me so or that certain memories had affected you in the way you described.

I love you guys so much and I dread the moment we will part. Spending time with you guys is the only reason I have decided not to apply for study leave because I don't want to waste any more time especially those of you who decided to flee the country. :( Can I kidnap you and tie you somewhere? UK is very far away. Singapore wouldn't be so bad.

I will never forget the last year and a half and all the memories we have shared. I pray we'd continue forging this memories even far in the future. Hey a girl can dream can't she? :D

ISAT

Haha ok last thing to worry about before A2 is over. Now can concentrate on the stupid exam instead of goofing off and updating my blog...oh. Haha do you know we had to sign a non-disclosure contract. I mean seriously? Paranoid much. No wonder it was so hard to any information related to it. Didn't expect it to be so tough though... but i guess it could have been worst. By the 50th question I was begging it to end. No more no more. Me and Shu Whey were literally lying on the board separating us and doing the test like that. T_T Yikes. Thank god for the math questions. If not I think I'd have fallen asleep on the table already. Haha k lar I wanna go 'study' already. Ciaoz

an anodyne makes you feel good

Just trying out something new. Hopefully this will earn me some money and increase creativity. :)

FAIL

Mwahahahahahahaha I failed Physics. I'm so proud of myself it's my first fail. Hahaha I bet you all expected me to emo right? Haha I was grinning throughout Physics class and couldn't stop. Don't ask me why, maybe cause that's what I expected to get with only 3 studied chapters and me being sick on the same day. Expected to get at least 1 crapping mark for application. Haiz there goes my queen of crapping status. XD Haha overall my results were about expected, maths was a grade higher and bio about a grade lower. Doesn't matter I have very colourful results this time. XD

Okay so it seemed like ranting day on blogs in general (and some facebooks) so I decided to join them as well. Pet peeves about exam reactions that I can't stand the most:-

1. Post Exam: OMG I am so failing this exam. I would be so happy if I could just pass. Post results: Nooooooooooooo I got a C/D. Why didn't I get an A/B? Ok so I know most people don't really have a problem with this but I do. It irritates me to no end. I mean if you think you'd get a B after the exam just say so. Why do you have to go around saying about how much you'd fail if you didn't mean it? Seriously hope and expectation are 2 different things. I expected my Thinking Skills to be B, I hoped it would be A. I got an A, thank god but if I had a B after going around telling people I expected it, I'm not going to go moan about how sad it is I didn't get an A. Haha maybe said people just went around telling people they will fail because they don't want to seem cocky or something but meh same diff after.
2. A: So how much did you get? B: Low >_< A: What is low? 80? If I was B, probably this would cue me walking away. Ok nvm, sarcastic answer maybe? I told myself I would have said that. Luckily no one did or they'd face my 3 hour sleep grumpiness. Ok I'd admit I've done this once or twice but I try to do it to those irritating people who tell me the same thing just to let them know how it feels. However that fails spectacularly and it's like giving them a green light to go on with it. Hence me only liking to tell my marks to people of same standard cause they tend to be a little more realistic.

Yeap thats my 2 main pet peeves about examination results. I probably have a couple more that I haven't experienced yet for mock so haven't really thought about it. Am glad we are out of secondary school where kiasuness and getting positions are over. Haiz seriously some people can be really irritating, I hate it when the people who are not connected start making comments. Ex, CS: Wah, you know if blabla's chinese not counted you are only higher than 1 mark!

Gee thanks I feel so much better now. This is your problem why? >_> Yea yea thank god I was over the kiasu phase by then or else I'd get into a full-blown argument with him. Haiz

Haha alright then. Am going to sit in the corner and puzzle what the hell I did wrong in chem. It was about the grade I expected but a low grade. Need to find out why.

Zydrate Anatomy

I was just reading it and then I wondered whether it was me you were talking about. I don't want to seem overly sensitive but sometimes you just have the sense of it and I do. I guess if you know I'm talking about you then it is true that you were talking about me. It's just the way it works. Is it wrong that I feel disappointed? I should have seen this coming from a mile away. Perhaps if this was a normal day I would have just apologized or ignored it but I'm too irritated and frustrated to care.

Perhaps if that's the way you really feel then maybe we should not remain friends because I can't change who I am. I am self-loathing by nature and I'm not doing it for attention. I'm sorry if you can't stand that but it's really not something I can change. I don't have time to go on and on and I'm not ready for a confrontation so I'm not going to say much more. I'm just irritated and I'd probably stop caring by the end of the week. If you weren't talking about me then I apologize for being overly sensitive and you can yell at me all you want. I just don't like 2-faced people and I was just growing to really care for you. Maybe I was wrong as usual and the feeling was just one-side? It doesn't matter I guess, I'm used to being alone and as they say Status Quo is God.

Wah so fast a new post not bad. XD Haha that's so my style. I think you guys can wait another 3 months for the next one after this.

Truly I just want to rant but the things I want to rant about, well I never know if they will read my blog and I don't want them to get angry or hurt or guilty. I think it's my fault really for not learning the language but I'm not going to kill myself over learning it now. I mean there are so many more languages I WANT to learn why not waste my time doing that. It's not their fault lar really it's mine. My codependent paranoid tendencies. I really think I'm over thinking everything lar I mean I just chatted with 5 people on facebook at a time. I should not feel this way still but it's been so long that I can't help it.

I'm trying really to socialize more and I apologize to the sub-gang if I'm destroying your alone time. Maybe it's just the exam stress that's getting to me and I'm channelling all my frustrations at a source. Maybe I'm just too used to people hating me and I'm just waiting for that moment for that someone to turn around and tell me to **** off. I've already done it to my chem lecturer, it won't be long before one of the gangs do that to me too or worse yet....... This bloody sucks......

I wonder how many people are bored of reading my blog. I mean it's emo post after emo post. It's not I'm never happy. It's just I have no interest to blog when I am. I think my old posts were definitely better when they actually had content instead of emo mutterings. I should get the blackliner and bangs and everything that goes with it. Haiz sorry guyz for the ones waiting for those deep meaningful blog (read Shu Wheys), or funny ones (read Pik Ee's) or thought provoking (read Keefe's) or Japanese band filled (read Aisyah's) {You guys better pay me for promotion} I'm just an overdramatic writer so yea things sound like from some bad soap opera.

Klar guyz I have procastinated enough. I have to get back to studying cause i just know my weekends will be filled. Ciao then.

Shu Whey made me write something. She was complaining that I haven't posted in so long. I was supposed to have posted something about Rocky Horror but I've drifted into my emo mood.

SPM results were out today. I can't believe it's been a whole year since mine came out, since my last epic failure. I thought I was over this whole thing but I guess I'm still really angry at myself. I mean it couldn't have been too hard to get straight A+ I'm just a stupid lazy bint. I think that's why I hate it when everyone says I'm smart. I can't help but think it sounds sarcastic and it just reminds me of my greatest failure. Maybe I'm just paranoid but I can't help but imagine them thinking why can't I score better than that lazy bitch.

I think I'm too overconfident and someone has to slap me once in a while. But how can I be overconfident without the self-esteem to back it up. even Mr Leonard says it's impossible. So what is it? I pretend to be overconfident or I pretend to have a low self-esteem? That's a good question because honestly I'd like neither thank you very much. Perhaps it's not overconfidence but I just expect too much out of myself, hence the low self-esteem. That might be it... but then again most people who expect a lot from themselves are confident if not with themselves then their abilities... Hmn....

People say I think too much... I guess so. I don't like being philosophical but maybe I'm just curious. I mean seriously I am so proud of my conclusion why men are more homophobic then women though there are no stats behind them. I loved going around asking questions like the previous one I asked 'would you rather sleep with a member of the same sex or a corpse of a different sex?' I thought I was weird for choosing the living rather than dead but no. EVERY female I asked chose a female whereas EVERY male I asked chose the corpse. Like OMG are you serious? I was shocked and excited...for awhile... I pity the Tea Party Gang for falling prey to all my weird questions. They probably think I'm some high-minded philosopher. Nah I'm just ADD prone with way too much on my mind.

Well that's it I guess. Sorry about the ramblings. I do plan my posts ahead of time to know what to write but the problem is once I've written it in my head I don't bother remembering anything or writing it down so yea it's all over the place.

PS. Yea great thanks to my wonderful best friend my stats above are RUINED. Oh well back to the drawing board.

Honest Ramblings

I have honestly nothing to post about. Actually I have plenty to post about but no mood to write about it. I envy those people who feel the determination to prove people wrong when they are looked down upon or insulted. They can just struggle through just to have the chance to prove the other person wrong. I don't. I just fall deeper into myself and believe everything they say. I hate it. I want to prove him wrong. I really do but I've just lost interest. I've lost interest in the subject, I've lost interest in the class and I've lost interest (maybe even respect) for him. I don't feel like pleasing him any longer and I see no reason to look any better in his eyes. I want to act out. I want to be the worst I can be, just to wipe it into his face. But no I'm not going to screw myself over for that. I'm not even angry anymore I'm just...apathetic. I just want to get over this exams and just go to the next stage.

But...I don't see myself enjoying the next stage either. I don't see myself happy in a new place making new friends doing something I may or may not like. 5 years does not seem too bad but I don't know. This seems just like another course that you have to play politics and backstab just to get noticed or just be perfect. I am not or don't do any of these things. I don't like it. It's the reason I hated being a prefect and it's the reason I enjoy college. I mean seriously to specialize you have to get the head of the department to like you and recommend you. Are you serious? People generally don't like me and I'm not going to pretend or suck up to someone but what can I do? That's what I have to do. Enjoy myself in medicine. Yea right. What happened to plain old psychology where all you had to worry about was your patient trying to kill you. XD

Let's see what else is up. Oh yea IELTS is coming up soon. I'd thought I'd enjoy it with how much I like English and all but nah it's a total bore to me. I'd think I'd enjoy SATs more but it's not a recognized English test so yea. I think the problem is I'm setting too high a band for myself. English is something that is there. If that's your band, that's your band. There isn't much you can do to improve it. I mean I've done 5 speaking tests already and I've not gone up a band yet. I don't really hold much hope for writing really. I think I sacrificed my factual skills for my story skills but I really don't regret that. I blame our education system really. I mean English IS my native language after all I should be much much better than I currently am. However with a horribly low standard of English and sometimes English teachers who have worse English than me, how am I supposed to improve? All I know is I'm stifled here. There isn't any other way my english can improve, not anymore. I hate it.

So anyway I have to commentate in church this week. Wheeeeeeeee and if you were too dumb to catch it, that was sarcasm. I know I wanted to do the readings initially, I have lost interest already. It's too fast to lose interest but I have. The change in head did not help things at all. I can't stand her, I'm sorry to say. Maybe it's cause I'm too used to the old one who was more supportive and hip. Haha I guess it doesn't help that I have had the worst year spiritually last year. I mean I was literally at a religious rock-bottom even though I prayed more...kinda. It's a horrible thing really to pray for faith. You need faith to pray and when you are just zapped of it you just have this voice in your head telling you you are talking to yourself and you are asking yourself for delusion medicine. Really it's just a whole lot of BS. I feel better now but I still don't want to stand in front of a crowd and talk. The old me used to like that but I don't anymore. I think the past year has turned me introverted but I don't mind really. I really don't mind it any way at all.

Well ciaoz

30 Songs In 30 Days

A new 30 day challenge!

Day 01 – Your favorite song

Day 02 – Your least favorite song

Day 03 – A song that makes you happy

Day 04 – A song that makes you sad

Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone

Day 06 – A song that reminds you of somewhere

Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event

Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to

Day 09 – A song that you can dance to

Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep

Day 11 – A song from your favorite band

Day 12 – A song from a band you hate

Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure

Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love

Day 15 – A song that describes you

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Day 19 – A song from your favorite album

Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry

Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy

Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad

Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding

Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral

Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh

Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument

Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play

Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty

Day 29 – A song from your childhood

Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

Yoz!!!! So a new 30 day challenge thingy. I know I didn't finish the last one but since this is just songs I'm gonna try my best. Bad news is I'm gonna do it on Tumblr. I just opened a tumblr account to check it out so don't worry, I'm not dumping blogger. I just wanted to see what the big fuss was all about. So yea, wish me luck.

My Tumblr

Friends? What friends?

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound

Yoz!!! I updated my blog, finally. Hahaha. So as you know I just came back from Australia and because of that have missed our class' Melaka trip. I don't really regret it because I honestly think it's money I don't think worth spending and Australia is so much more cooler but I guess I just regret not being able to celebrate this closeness with my tea party gang (and the other gangs as well). I guess I just feel this way because I feel like I'm drifting from my gang. Maybe cause I don't come as early or stay as late so I spend almost the least time of all. My ultimate fear is that they don't really want to spend time with me but do it because well...they feel sorry for me or something... Maybe it's cause I'm not used to having a group of close friends. What I had was one or 2 really good or best friends and well it was like only us kinda thing. I will freely admit that I have been jealous in the past when my good friends grew close to others. Maybe it's cause I fear abandonment but I hope I have outgrown that fear because one day everyone must say goodbye and it's foolish to think otherwise.

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say

To quote Aisyah: I sense drama on Facebook. I am not here to justify myself or say I'm innocent in this affair but I think that since I am coming clean I am going to say my piece since I have never really talked about this not even to Peanut Ice (I think). I want to make this very clear that yes, we were friends once upon a time, best friends if you wish to say so. I had crap, u had crap but we were fine. I want you to know I still keep your letters and I smile when I read them. I know it's about time I burn them but there are memories even i don't want to throw away. Maybe you do not know me well enough to know that loyalty is a virtue I hold highly. Yes, I admit I have not been loyal sometimes maybe to Peanut Ice or Piggy or (ketua toothpick, i just realized u dun have a nickname) or the tea party gang or anyone else that I have once held dear in my life. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for them even if I don't show it.

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I guess there is just one too many things I just can't stand. I guess I feel comfortable enough to mention it here now. Everyone has crap. No one has a perfect personality. There are things that I can't stand from people close to me. Yes even from peanut ice or the tea party gang or Soul. And there are definitely things about me people can't stand. I'm not pretending to be perfect. Maybe one day I'll end up bitter and alone and it will be my own doing but that's not the point I'm driving at.

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new, yeah yeah

Tell me, my friend, how many times when we were supposedly best friends have you betrayed my trust? It was not once or twice or thrice but so much more. How many times have you reported me to Mr Shahrul desperate to get me fired perhaps? How many times have you told others, almost strangers about my 'condition'? Yes, I admit that I wasn't exactly very good at hiding it but that's beside the point. Anyone you'd ask would know you don't tell people things like that. Some secrets are meant to be that. I was never bitter when you told the counselor about my 'problem' but telling my classmates, people I tried to make friends with was just well...mean. I called you a bitch when i caught you doing it. I regretted it and was truly sorry about it but the damage had been done on both sides. I knew I could not trust you.

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

Tell me, friend, why is it that I had people telling me that I wasn't as bad as you described me to be? If they were good friends to you and you were telling them that as a way to release your feelings then fine I accept it. Eunice has been my sounding board more than once but this was different. This was pure utter bitching and yet, best friend you called me. This happened the same time you wrote those letters... 2 faced? Or perhaps you talked too much? I can't imagine doing it honestly. Walking up to one of my classmates (outside the tea-party gang) at the start of the year and start telling them about Piggys or Ketua Toothpicks weaknesses or imperfection. I can't see it and I can't bear doing it because because I know them for so long my classmates would believe me and they would be wary of them. That is just utterly cruel and it would have been hard for them to have made friends.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa whoa

I don't know why but this minor thing was the last straw for me. For that short period of time, I actually believed I was in love with one of my female classmate. (I am finally able to recall the event without feeling ashamed. Thank God) Someone decided it would be good fun to spread it around to school. I was scared, lonely and felt like an outcast. I bared my soul to you and you looked me in the eye and told me you hated homos. I will never forget that moment. It was like you had pronounced a death sentence on me. So yes, my support for gay rights comes from this incident where for that period of time I understood how it felt to be them. I knew what is was like to face homophobia and at that moment when I realized I did not love her but admired her as a person and that I preferred the opposite gender was the moment I realized that being gay was not wrong (that and a healthy dose of slash fics). I will never forget that at that moment while both you and Peanut Ice held me as their best friend, only one of you stood by me at that time. That is something I will always remember, even until the day I die and I will be forever grateful. You were always jealous that me and Peanut Ice shared a closer relationship then I had with you.You always took it that it was solely because we had more in common or we didn't understand you. I want you to see this and understand. She accepted me for who I am and I accept her Japanese Pretty Boys and all. So yea, stop with the whole 'pity me' thing. It's getting old.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

' If a vase breaks, it can be mended but there will always be the cracks to remind you of what happened.''
That's all I have to say I guess. You are right, it takes 2 to tango and if you want to rant about my mistakes in your blog go ahead. I don't even care if you read this or not. Like I said this is not about throwing blame around or confrontation, this is about me releasing my feelings and all the anger and resentment I have kept pent up inside me all these years. I did not lie when i said I have buried my feelings when I buried you. I did not think about any of these incidents after you left. These resurfaced when you did and they have affected me too much for me to ignore them. I have said my piece and I am at peace.

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground

“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier.

“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier. I slid the money gracefully into my coat before turning to face the voice. He wore a black ski mask and held a Smith and Wessons revolver. I nearly laughed at his audacity; that thing was loud and tremendously messy. Granted, it wasn’t something he should worry about but still, it was so unsophisticated.

I held my hands lazily up. He was alone, daring but extremely foolish. True, it was barely peak hour but a single man could not collect the cash and watch everyone at the same time. “You, take this bag and fill it with money.” I laughed inwardly; I see, so he noticed that little problem as well. The terrified bank teller trembled as she stuffed cash into it. She couldn’t be as terrified as she exhibited because she intentionally put in the stacks of 1 dollar notes knowing that the bag would be heavy fast and the bank wouldn’t lose much money; clever girl.

Suddenly, I was vaguely aware of the gun being pointed in my direction. “Collect everyone’s handphones and anything valuable on them. Everyone must give up something or else.” Calmly, I took the bag from him. I considered acting terrified as well but that took too much energy I didn’t care spend. I took the bag and held it in front of each person. Some gave up their jewelry instantly; many others needed the guy to yell profanities at them before dropping them in half-heartedly. I smirked to myself; in the end survival instincts always triumphed.

I handed the man back the bag and sent him a cool look. He didn’t even flinch and instead told me that I had forgotten to put mine in with an irritating calm. I would have laughed really; this man was beginning to earn my respect. I dropped in my handphone with a smirk and my watch soon followed. He didn’t realize that I had money on me; careless but insignificant.

The cashier too made her way to him and handed him the bag. He barely glanced into the bag before backhanding her. She looked shock; had she really expected to get away with that? Stupid girl; she should have at least covered the top with big notes. He barked at her to put to big money into it and fill the second bag while she was at it. That was three bags total; if the cops did find out he’s going to have a ghastly time escaping.

The seconds ticked by lazily; true I did not have anything planned for the day but this was a horrendous waste of time. Could he not move it along faster or at least make things more interesting? I had the urge to use my spare phone to call the feds for extra entertainment but resisted. That would only make things longer and risk injury to myself. No, I’ve never been a hostage and I don’t want to tarnish my record.

After what seemed like ages, the bank teller was finally done filling the bag with 100 dollar notes. She didn’t dare try anything funny, not as a bruise swelled on her face. He saw the bags and paused. I scoffed to myself, he was getting greedy. The two bags were not enough for him and he wanted more. To the poor girl’s horror, he told her to fill another two bags. Calling him a fool would be an understatement. He was wasting precious time to fly by the cops radar and he was making it harder to escape.

Better yet, the idiot took his eyes off the crowd and stared at the girl instead. Maybe he’d finally remembered the alarm the bank had. I hadn’t noticed the bank manager before and wondered whether he might have pressed it. It was too quiet outside to be sure. Well, having darkened windows finally worked to the bank’s pleasure if really the bank was surrounded by the feds.

It was then a sudden movement caught my eye. One of the seemingly innocent people on the floor drew his gun. He just about pointed his gun at the robber when I idly shot him in the head with a snotnosed. It was infinitely more practical than a Smith and had less repulse. Before anyone else could fathom what had happened, I took the bags from the teller and said a crisp “Go,” to the fool of a robber. He blinked and grabbed the bags before him and ran out the door with me right behind him.

As soon as the door opened, I knew we were surrounded. Bullets flew; I ordered the boy to ignore them. I knew to stop and shoot would do nothing but provide a more stable target to the surprisingly trigger-happy cops. A black Camry screeched to a stop before us as the doors flew open. I slid into the front as the boy jumped into the back seat. The car sped off immediately and shots echoed off into the distance.

The idiot boy gave a loud triumphant laugh, “I did it! Come on brother, did you see that? I pulled it off all by myself and am still in one piece. I got a couple grand at least.”

“So what was the master doing there? Cleaning up after you, I suppose?” The driver told the boy jumping up and down the backseat.

“Hey, how was I supposed to know the guy had a gun? I couldn’t check each and every one of them could I?”

“No, that’s why you get a partner or two. Even if they don’t check for guns they can react if anyone pulls a stunt like that.” I growled at him, any calm inclinations I had before was gone. Only this fool of a boy can make me so infuriated.

“I wanted to show you I knew what to do by myself. Besides I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” If my abdomen wasn’t throbbing so badly I would have turned and smacked the boy on the head. I clenched my eyes shut and said nothing. “Brother, are you angry?”

“Fool of a boy, just get some rest. It’ll be a while before we get home.” I glanced placidly at the crimson that painted my side; no longer than 15 minutes at least.

“Master?” The driver looked at me with a grating look of concern. I shook my head pointedly at him and my glare warned him that if he made a sound, he would have a bullet embedded in his forehead.

“Drop the boy at the house. I will not go down with him.” I spared a glance at the boy sleeping in the back seat. “Protect him, Robert. He can’t lead a mob by himself.”

“What do I tell him, master?”

“I had a meeting with Alec and his boys. Negotiations went sour.”

“I can still make it to St Michael’s.”

“No.” I glanced at the boy again. “It would kill him.”

My consigliore’s grip on the wheel tightened. He considered opposing me. I turned my gun to face him. The aim was a bit off but at this distance it was enough to kill. He had the cheek to sigh, “Yes…master.”

My grip on the gun slackened as the roar of the car too began to fade into the distance. I haven’t had a decent sleep in years. My eyes closed and darkness embraced me.