Tuesday, April 26, 2011
HAH! Take that self-deprecating voice! Take that!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
ISAT
Monday, April 18, 2011
FAIL
- Post Exam: OMG I am so failing this exam. I would be so happy if I could just pass. Post results: Nooooooooooooo I got a C/D. Why didn't I get an A/B? Ok so I know most people don't really have a problem with this but I do. It irritates me to no end. I mean if you think you'd get a B after the exam just say so. Why do you have to go around saying about how much you'd fail if you didn't mean it? Seriously hope and expectation are 2 different things. I expected my Thinking Skills to be B, I hoped it would be A. I got an A, thank god but if I had a B after going around telling people I expected it, I'm not going to go moan about how sad it is I didn't get an A. Haha maybe said people just went around telling people they will fail because they don't want to seem cocky or something but meh same diff after.
- A: So how much did you get? B: Low >_< A: What is low? 80? If I was B, probably this would cue me walking away. Ok nvm, sarcastic answer maybe? I told myself I would have said that. Luckily no one did or they'd face my 3 hour sleep grumpiness. Ok I'd admit I've done this once or twice but I try to do it to those irritating people who tell me the same thing just to let them know how it feels. However that fails spectacularly and it's like giving them a green light to go on with it. Hence me only liking to tell my marks to people of same standard cause they tend to be a little more realistic.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Zydrate Anatomy
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Honest Ramblings
But...I don't see myself enjoying the next stage either. I don't see myself happy in a new place making new friends doing something I may or may not like. 5 years does not seem too bad but I don't know. This seems just like another course that you have to play politics and backstab just to get noticed or just be perfect. I am not or don't do any of these things. I don't like it. It's the reason I hated being a prefect and it's the reason I enjoy college. I mean seriously to specialize you have to get the head of the department to like you and recommend you. Are you serious? People generally don't like me and I'm not going to pretend or suck up to someone but what can I do? That's what I have to do. Enjoy myself in medicine. Yea right. What happened to plain old psychology where all you had to worry about was your patient trying to kill you. XD
Let's see what else is up. Oh yea IELTS is coming up soon. I'd thought I'd enjoy it with how much I like English and all but nah it's a total bore to me. I'd think I'd enjoy SATs more but it's not a recognized English test so yea. I think the problem is I'm setting too high a band for myself. English is something that is there. If that's your band, that's your band. There isn't much you can do to improve it. I mean I've done 5 speaking tests already and I've not gone up a band yet. I don't really hold much hope for writing really. I think I sacrificed my factual skills for my story skills but I really don't regret that. I blame our education system really. I mean English IS my native language after all I should be much much better than I currently am. However with a horribly low standard of English and sometimes English teachers who have worse English than me, how am I supposed to improve? All I know is I'm stifled here. There isn't any other way my english can improve, not anymore. I hate it.
So anyway I have to commentate in church this week. Wheeeeeeeee and if you were too dumb to catch it, that was sarcasm. I know I wanted to do the readings initially, I have lost interest already. It's too fast to lose interest but I have. The change in head did not help things at all. I can't stand her, I'm sorry to say. Maybe it's cause I'm too used to the old one who was more supportive and hip. Haha I guess it doesn't help that I have had the worst year spiritually last year. I mean I was literally at a religious rock-bottom even though I prayed more...kinda. It's a horrible thing really to pray for faith. You need faith to pray and when you are just zapped of it you just have this voice in your head telling you you are talking to yourself and you are asking yourself for delusion medicine. Really it's just a whole lot of BS. I feel better now but I still don't want to stand in front of a crowd and talk. The old me used to like that but I don't anymore. I think the past year has turned me introverted but I don't mind really. I really don't mind it any way at all.
Well ciaoz
Saturday, January 01, 2011
30 Songs In 30 Days
A new 30 day challenge!
Day 01 – Your favorite song
Day 02 – Your least favorite song
Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 – A song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 – A song from your childhood
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year
Yoz!!!! So a new 30 day challenge thingy. I know I didn't finish the last one but since this is just songs I'm gonna try my best. Bad news is I'm gonna do it on Tumblr. I just opened a tumblr account to check it out so don't worry, I'm not dumping blogger. I just wanted to see what the big fuss was all about. So yea, wish me luck.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friends? What friends?
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
Yoz!!! I updated my blog, finally. Hahaha. So as you know I just came back from Australia and because of that have missed our class' Melaka trip. I don't really regret it because I honestly think it's money I don't think worth spending and Australia is so much more cooler but I guess I just regret not being able to celebrate this closeness with my tea party gang (and the other gangs as well). I guess I just feel this way because I feel like I'm drifting from my gang. Maybe cause I don't come as early or stay as late so I spend almost the least time of all. My ultimate fear is that they don't really want to spend time with me but do it because well...they feel sorry for me or something... Maybe it's cause I'm not used to having a group of close friends. What I had was one or 2 really good or best friends and well it was like only us kinda thing. I will freely admit that I have been jealous in the past when my good friends grew close to others. Maybe it's cause I fear abandonment but I hope I have outgrown that fear because one day everyone must say goodbye and it's foolish to think otherwise.
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say
To quote Aisyah: I sense drama on Facebook. I am not here to justify myself or say I'm innocent in this affair but I think that since I am coming clean I am going to say my piece since I have never really talked about this not even to Peanut Ice (I think). I want to make this very clear that yes, we were friends once upon a time, best friends if you wish to say so. I had crap, u had crap but we were fine. I want you to know I still keep your letters and I smile when I read them. I know it's about time I burn them but there are memories even i don't want to throw away. Maybe you do not know me well enough to know that loyalty is a virtue I hold highly. Yes, I admit I have not been loyal sometimes maybe to Peanut Ice or Piggy or (ketua toothpick, i just realized u dun have a nickname) or the tea party gang or anyone else that I have once held dear in my life. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for them even if I don't show it.
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I guess there is just one too many things I just can't stand. I guess I feel comfortable enough to mention it here now. Everyone has crap. No one has a perfect personality. There are things that I can't stand from people close to me. Yes even from peanut ice or the tea party gang or Soul. And there are definitely things about me people can't stand. I'm not pretending to be perfect. Maybe one day I'll end up bitter and alone and it will be my own doing but that's not the point I'm driving at.
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new, yeah yeah
Tell me, my friend, how many times when we were supposedly best friends have you betrayed my trust? It was not once or twice or thrice but so much more. How many times have you reported me to Mr Shahrul desperate to get me fired perhaps? How many times have you told others, almost strangers about my 'condition'? Yes, I admit that I wasn't exactly very good at hiding it but that's beside the point. Anyone you'd ask would know you don't tell people things like that. Some secrets are meant to be that. I was never bitter when you told the counselor about my 'problem' but telling my classmates, people I tried to make friends with was just well...mean. I called you a bitch when i caught you doing it. I regretted it and was truly sorry about it but the damage had been done on both sides. I knew I could not trust you.
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
Tell me, friend, why is it that I had people telling me that I wasn't as bad as you described me to be? If they were good friends to you and you were telling them that as a way to release your feelings then fine I accept it. Eunice has been my sounding board more than once but this was different. This was pure utter bitching and yet, best friend you called me. This happened the same time you wrote those letters... 2 faced? Or perhaps you talked too much? I can't imagine doing it honestly. Walking up to one of my classmates (outside the tea-party gang) at the start of the year and start telling them about Piggys or Ketua Toothpicks weaknesses or imperfection. I can't see it and I can't bear doing it because because I know them for so long my classmates would believe me and they would be wary of them. That is just utterly cruel and it would have been hard for them to have made friends.
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa whoa
I don't know why but this minor thing was the last straw for me. For that short period of time, I actually believed I was in love with one of my female classmate. (I am finally able to recall the event without feeling ashamed. Thank God) Someone decided it would be good fun to spread it around to school. I was scared, lonely and felt like an outcast. I bared my soul to you and you looked me in the eye and told me you hated homos. I will never forget that moment. It was like you had pronounced a death sentence on me. So yes, my support for gay rights comes from this incident where for that period of time I understood how it felt to be them. I knew what is was like to face homophobia and at that moment when I realized I did not love her but admired her as a person and that I preferred the opposite gender was the moment I realized that being gay was not wrong (that and a healthy dose of slash fics). I will never forget that at that moment while both you and Peanut Ice held me as their best friend, only one of you stood by me at that time. That is something I will always remember, even until the day I die and I will be forever grateful. You were always jealous that me and Peanut Ice shared a closer relationship then I had with you.You always took it that it was solely because we had more in common or we didn't understand you. I want you to see this and understand. She accepted me for who I am and I accept her Japanese Pretty Boys and all. So yea, stop with the whole 'pity me' thing. It's getting old.
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
' If a vase breaks, it can be mended but there will always be the cracks to remind you of what happened.''
That's all I have to say I guess. You are right, it takes 2 to tango and if you want to rant about my mistakes in your blog go ahead. I don't even care if you read this or not. Like I said this is not about throwing blame around or confrontation, this is about me releasing my feelings and all the anger and resentment I have kept pent up inside me all these years. I did not lie when i said I have buried my feelings when I buried you. I did not think about any of these incidents after you left. These resurfaced when you did and they have affected me too much for me to ignore them. I have said my piece and I am at peace.
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier.
“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier. I slid the money gracefully into my coat before turning to face the voice. He wore a black ski mask and held a Smith and Wessons revolver. I nearly laughed at his audacity; that thing was loud and tremendously messy. Granted, it wasn’t something he should worry about but still, it was so unsophisticated.
I held my hands lazily up. He was alone, daring but extremely foolish. True, it was barely peak hour but a single man could not collect the cash and watch everyone at the same time. “You, take this bag and fill it with money.” I laughed inwardly; I see, so he noticed that little problem as well. The terrified bank teller trembled as she stuffed cash into it. She couldn’t be as terrified as she exhibited because she intentionally put in the stacks of 1 dollar notes knowing that the bag would be heavy fast and the bank wouldn’t lose much money; clever girl.
Suddenly, I was vaguely aware of the gun being pointed in my direction. “Collect everyone’s handphones and anything valuable on them. Everyone must give up something or else.” Calmly, I took the bag from him. I considered acting terrified as well but that took too much energy I didn’t care spend. I took the bag and held it in front of each person. Some gave up their jewelry instantly; many others needed the guy to yell profanities at them before dropping them in half-heartedly. I smirked to myself; in the end survival instincts always triumphed.
I handed the man back the bag and sent him a cool look. He didn’t even flinch and instead told me that I had forgotten to put mine in with an irritating calm. I would have laughed really; this man was beginning to earn my respect. I dropped in my handphone with a smirk and my watch soon followed. He didn’t realize that I had money on me; careless but insignificant.
The cashier too made her way to him and handed him the bag. He barely glanced into the bag before backhanding her. She looked shock; had she really expected to get away with that? Stupid girl; she should have at least covered the top with big notes. He barked at her to put to big money into it and fill the second bag while she was at it. That was three bags total; if the cops did find out he’s going to have a ghastly time escaping.
The seconds ticked by lazily; true I did not have anything planned for the day but this was a horrendous waste of time. Could he not move it along faster or at least make things more interesting? I had the urge to use my spare phone to call the feds for extra entertainment but resisted. That would only make things longer and risk injury to myself. No, I’ve never been a hostage and I don’t want to tarnish my record.
After what seemed like ages, the bank teller was finally done filling the bag with 100 dollar notes. She didn’t dare try anything funny, not as a bruise swelled on her face. He saw the bags and paused. I scoffed to myself, he was getting greedy. The two bags were not enough for him and he wanted more. To the poor girl’s horror, he told her to fill another two bags. Calling him a fool would be an understatement. He was wasting precious time to fly by the cops radar and he was making it harder to escape.
Better yet, the idiot took his eyes off the crowd and stared at the girl instead. Maybe he’d finally remembered the alarm the bank had. I hadn’t noticed the bank manager before and wondered whether he might have pressed it. It was too quiet outside to be sure. Well, having darkened windows finally worked to the bank’s pleasure if really the bank was surrounded by the feds.
It was then a sudden movement caught my eye. One of the seemingly innocent people on the floor drew his gun. He just about pointed his gun at the robber when I idly shot him in the head with a snotnosed. It was infinitely more practical than a Smith and had less repulse. Before anyone else could fathom what had happened, I took the bags from the teller and said a crisp “Go,” to the fool of a robber. He blinked and grabbed the bags before him and ran out the door with me right behind him.
As soon as the door opened, I knew we were surrounded. Bullets flew; I ordered the boy to ignore them. I knew to stop and shoot would do nothing but provide a more stable target to the surprisingly trigger-happy cops. A black Camry screeched to a stop before us as the doors flew open. I slid into the front as the boy jumped into the back seat. The car sped off immediately and shots echoed off into the distance.
The idiot boy gave a loud triumphant laugh, “I did it! Come on brother, did you see that? I pulled it off all by myself and am still in one piece. I got a couple grand at least.”
“So what was the master doing there? Cleaning up after you, I suppose?” The driver told the boy jumping up and down the backseat.
“Hey, how was I supposed to know the guy had a gun? I couldn’t check each and every one of them could I?”
“No, that’s why you get a partner or two. Even if they don’t check for guns they can react if anyone pulls a stunt like that.” I growled at him, any calm inclinations I had before was gone. Only this fool of a boy can make me so infuriated.
“I wanted to show you I knew what to do by myself. Besides I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” If my abdomen wasn’t throbbing so badly I would have turned and smacked the boy on the head. I clenched my eyes shut and said nothing. “Brother, are you angry?”
“Fool of a boy, just get some rest. It’ll be a while before we get home.” I glanced placidly at the crimson that painted my side; no longer than 15 minutes at least.
“Master?” The driver looked at me with a grating look of concern. I shook my head pointedly at him and my glare warned him that if he made a sound, he would have a bullet embedded in his forehead.
“Drop the boy at the house. I will not go down with him.” I spared a glance at the boy sleeping in the back seat. “Protect him, Robert. He can’t lead a mob by himself.”
“What do I tell him, master?”
“I had a meeting with Alec and his boys. Negotiations went sour.”
“I can still make it to St Michael’s.”
“No.” I glanced at the boy again. “It would kill him.”
My consigliore’s grip on the wheel tightened. He considered opposing me. I turned my gun to face him. The aim was a bit off but at this distance it was enough to kill. He had the cheek to sigh, “Yes…master.”
My grip on the gun slackened as the roar of the car too began to fade into the distance. I haven’t had a decent sleep in years. My eyes closed and darkness embraced me.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
End with: She saw his true nature and decided that she might learn to love him after all.
She wrinkled her nose as she saw the man sitting in the corner of the coffee shop she’d often frequented. He knew she’d be here. She was tired of him following her around. He thought that he would have a chance with her. She had everything she had ever wanted; who did he think he was to force himself into her life.
She pushed her chair back with a little more force than necessary. Her friend, no companions, ceased their inane chatter and stared at her. She ignored them and marched to the man. “I remember I told you to leave me alone.”
He stared at her in slight shock and hurt. She watched him try to decide whether to lie or to tell the truth. He reached out suddenly and grabbed her arm. “Please Lucy, I beg you. I can do anything for you, everything. Please give me a chance.”
The sheer desperation in his voice disgusted her. To call this thing a man would be an insult to men everywhere. “I’ve told you once and a million times before. I have no interest in you and never want to see you again.”
“Lucy-”
“Leave me alone!” She stormed out of the coffee shop; her half-brained posse following close after her. Nessa muttered how irritating admirers where. She didn’t bother replying. She knew she had to find a new hangout spot; just seeing that face was enough to make her lose her lunch.
* * * * *
She let out a groan as droplets fell on her face. It had to be this day of all days that her chaffer fell ill. She had no problem walking, she wasn’t that spoiled, but she hated the rain probably only a little less than the Wicked Witch of the West did. Her mother always teased her about how she used to scream like a dying hyena whenever she wanted to give her bath. Her chest tightened; those were memories she didn’t want to think of.
A screeching sound made her jump. Her eyes widened as a van swerved to a stop next to her. She yelled at the van, screaming about how it could have hit her. Yes, she didn’t really think that the driver could hear her but it made her feel better. All of a sudden, the side door of the van slid open. She backed away on instinct when a force behind her shoved her into the van. Before she could let out a sound; a cloth was compressed onto her mouth and soon darkness surrounded her.
* * * * *
She opened her eyes to pure blackness. She took deep breaths, warning herself not to start hyperventilating. In some ways, she was grateful she couldn’t see her surroundings. She had claustrophobic tendencies and she really didn’t want to know the size of the place that held her. “Calm down,” she told herself and tried to analyze her situation. Her hands and legs were tied to the front of her so she wasn’t extremely uncomfortable and had some extent of movement. She was not gagged and she had no injuries, yet. She let out a sneeze and shivered. She was still in her wet clothes and this place did not have a heater. She sneezed again.
“Ah, you are awake.” She narrowed her eyes as bright light filled the room. It took all she could to not look around the room. She could not panic now.
“Yes and since we are done stating the obvious, what am I doing here?” Maybe trying to be a smart mouth wasn’t the best thing to do but it was in her nature.
He ignored her jibe, “Well since we have an impatient guest, I’ll just get skip right to the chase. Ransom; I wonder how much daddy would pay to get his sweet daughter back.” Just as she was about to respect him for not beating around the bush, he just had to get into that clichéd evil laugh.
“Father doesn’t like threats or being ordered around. He won’t pay.” He’d just hire every detective out there to find her, but he won’t pay.
He grinned, “I’m sure he would see differently after I send him a finger or two.” She flinched; big mistake. She was not supposed to show that she was intimidated. “I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt first but just in case, which finger do you think you’ll miss the least.” Again he laughed; cackled more like it, before leaving her in darkness again. She wasn’t scared; she wasn’t.
* * * * *
She didn’t know how long it has been since she was in that room. Days, weeks maybe even mere hours. She still had her fingers so that must have counted for something. Did Father really pay for her? She’d doubted it; it wasn’t in his nature. She let out a coughing fit and shivered again. The least they could have done was given her a change of clothing or food or water. She tried to wrap herself closer together to gather what heat she could. A moan escaped her throat. She was welcomed back into the darkness’ embrace; glad of it for once.
* * * * *
She woke up feeling warmth around her. Was she dead? Arms cradled her; she attempted to force her eyes open but they were so heavy. She tried to speak but only a groan escaped. “It’s alright now, I’m here.” She knew that voice; it was the man from the coffee shop. She tried to fight the arms around her but she barely did any damage.
“Told you…leave me…alone…” She was proud that something at least escaped her throat instead of those pathetic sounds she released. The person holding her said nothing; just placed her softly on the ground.
“I didn’t mean it you know. No matter what you heard. I wrote to you all the time but she wouldn’t give those letters to you.” She shook her head; she didn’t want to hear this. Not now; not ever.
“Watch your mouth. That’s my mother you’re talking about.”
He laughed; he actually had the guts to laugh. “She was always so beautiful and so gentle. I can only guess where you got that fire from.” He ran a hand through her hair and she growled. “I think about you every day until sometimes I wonder whether it was worth leaving.” He trembled, “There was just no other way to it. I made a choice and it was what I wanted.”
“What you wanted? What about what I wanted? What about what mom wanted? I knew mom never showed me the letters. I didn’t want to read them. I didn’t need you. If you really loved my mom, loved me, you would have tried coming back. I didn’t need much; birthdays and Christmas. It would have been more than enough. You should have been there holding my hand while I watched my mom die but you weren’t. The case in Venice or Siam or who cares where was more important. Someone did hold my hand. I have a Father, I don’t need you.”
He said nothing more and trembled beside her. Was he crying? Was he cold? She couldn’t bring herself to care. She shivered again. “I’ve called the cops; they will be here any second.” She ignored the pain in his voice. She taught herself to be cold and heartless. It was the only way she dragged herself through the years. She had no friends; she only had people desperately following her around. For fame, for money, who cares? She was never alone and they didn’t get a chance to leave; she left them. It was easy and it was painless. She watched the sky and let herself fall asleep, relieved as sirens filled the distance.
* * * * *
“Where is she? Where is my daughter? Alucia!?”
“Calm down sir, she’s alright. Just a bit of hypothermia has set in, that’s all.”
“Let me see her!”
“Father!”
He pushed passed the paramedics and enveloped her in a hug. “You gave me such a scare! I told them I’d send the money but I knew they wouldn’t let you go; loose ends and all that. You’re alive, that’s all that matters.”
She couldn’t help but smile. It warmed her to find her usually stoic father act so human. She always thought that he never thought her of his own. Now she knew. She furrowed her brow as something to the right of her caught her eye.
For reasons she cannot explain, her heart clenched as she saw the man who spawned her lying deathly pale beside her. The blood red that stained his chest stood out more than anything. She could only stare; her face giving away nothing.
“Is he going to be alright?” Her Father asked the paramedic. She tuned them out as she could only stare at her savior. She didn’t want to believe what was happening. She hated him, she reminded herself. She never wanted to see him again. “He’ll be fine.” Her father whispered to her. “He’ll make it.” She wondered whether her Father knew exactly who this man was. “He saved you; he’s the best detective in the world. He found you almost instantly.”
A case; that’s all she was. The man stared at her with those sad eyes. She stared back; no words to say. She numbly touched the bullet wounds on his chest. For her, those were all for her. She surprised herself when she wrapped her hand around his. His eyes widened and suddenly he looked many years younger. She smiled slightly and a single raindrop trailed down her face. She saw his true nature and decided that she might learn to love him after all.

