I feel like shit today and I don't know why.

I mean yea I had a pretty crappy day but not one where I get severely pissed off or emo. It's just a series of bad luck?

So I dunno why I feel so weird. I can't even describe the feeling. Something just feels wrong and I can't find a way to fix it. Like i dun have the mood to do anything. And I went out earlier cause I thought it might be my social interaction quota hasn't been fulfilled.

(Might still be the reason. Didn't really interact much even though I 'went out' but what else is new? Seriously thought it would help but it just ended with me standing around awkwardly as usual.)

It just feels so weird. I can't even put the feeling into words. I thought maybe blogging about it would get some of the feels out but seriously not helping.

I'm just going round and round, saying the same thing again and again.

Just forget it.

Maybe I'm just lonely, I dunno. Just, I dunno. I need something. I just dunno what yet.

Why won't you listen?

I know it's a common INFP complaint that they feel no one is listening to them. It's so annoying. I dunno if it's a communication thing. Maybe it's my fault I dunno but sometimes I try so hard and no one listens.

It's so annoying to just sit there listening to conversations and you have things you want to say but you just don't dare to say them. And finally when you get the courage to say it, it's misinterpreted, it goes unheard/ignored or worst, it gets shot down. And you're sitting there thinking, let me just crawl back into the hole where I came from and never come back out or worse, when I let my Te come out as a defense mechanism and I'm misunderstood even more but this time it's by my own doing.

It's really so annoying.

Like how I try so hard to try to tell my cousin not to pursue Medicine if he's not interested. And I tell him things I don't even tell my parents like my family have no idea how hard Medicine is hitting me all they know is I hate studying. And I try so goddamn hard and it's Open Day all over again. The snide glances, the judging looks. And he started asking me how I did for SPM, how I did in school. Like what the hell does that matter? I'm telling you my view and you are judging how smart/lazy I am. As soon as I open my mouth I regretted it. He wouldn't understand unless he's in Med School. I don't think I would have gotten how hard it was pre-Med School anyway.

But it hurts so much to go unheard.

I had a discussion with some guy about a question and I disagreed with his answer. I tried to explain why I thought it was another way. I quoted websites for him. Did he listen? Who knows? Because he just ignored what I said and insisted that he was right. And...and I don't know how to put it to words. Like I said it may just be my communication problem I dunno but the way he made me feel. It made me feel like my opinion didn't matter. Like just because I wasn't one of the famous top students or something, I couldn't be right. If he addressed my points and told me how they were wrong, I'd accept it. But he treated me like I was stupid and stubborn on insisting my answer was right. Hey, I may have made a mental error and misjudged the answer, I dunno. But when I try so hard to help, to voice out my opinion, explain to me what I did wrong, not insist your answer is right and that I'm stubborn and complicating things. And I just feel angry, unheard and embaressed. And I can't delete my comments because it look like I merajuk or something. And good god, I don't even know if I'm getting my point across.

And I hate this so much because people keep saying 'speak up', 'you're too quiet', 'talk more'. Why must I change for you? Just because you are extroverted and these things come to you so easily, it's a nightmare for me. And everytime I put myself out, someone does or says something that makes me regret it immediately. My opinions matter. I'm sorry that I can't put what I want to say in words properly. But I have opinions and it matters. Not for it to be shot down anytime you feel I'm an easy target.

I dunno if I'm over-reacting because of stress. Or is it I keep reading that INFPs feel misunderstood or that they keep things buried deep. So I want to be heard, I want to be more open. But I dunno if I'm getting what I wanna say across or I just sound whiny. Who knows cause I honestly feel like giving up. It's like hearing all these INFPs going on about how they feel misunderstood or how hard it is to put their thoughts/feelings into words, I feel like, yea that's just me, that's just gonna happen. Why bother?

Forget it. I'm beyond tired. I dunno what I'm doing anymore. My batteries aren't recharging. My hermit state can't be activated cause I'm never really on my own in this house...not at the moment at least. @_@ I need an escape. Just 1 more week. If coming out of the exams don't send me into emo/depressed mode again, then things will probably get better.

Yea I think I'm going off to bed. I'm falling asleep on the table and I did virtually nothing today. I'm so tired. Maybe I've given up. It's like I don't care anymore. Maybe it's burnout, who knows? I'm just so fed up. I'm so bored, no, sick of studying. I have no one to talk to. I literally do nothing but eat, sleep, study and procastinate. The worst thing about this kind of procastination is I literally do nothing productive, nothing fun. It's just do anything but start studying. If I was watching a movie, or writing, or something that felt a little more fun/productive it'd be fine. But it's so much doing stupid things, I just can't.

Haha this is getting a bit too long now. I babble alot. Klar I wanna go sleep. I wish I'd remember my dreams though. I'm sure it'd be more fun than this...

INFP Photo Spam

I guess I'm not surprised but...I dun really care much about Luna. :( But another site suggested Remus Lupin and I'm all for that. XD As of this moment, he's the only Marauder I can stand and my favourite DADA teacher. 

Did I mention how much I love Belle? ^_^

Yea I still can't find my pencilcase, or my Histology book, or my Gray's Review...See the pattern here?

O_O So that's a real INFP thing. I'm not the only one?

Post Apocalypse INFP

Me? Defending Paris Hilton? Really?

I just had to share this on my wall because I can say I am guilty of the same crime. Years ago, when I first heard about Repo, I was like 'Paris is in it? Count me out.' I've already written her off even though I hadn't watched a single movie of hers. All I knew about her was what the 'paparazi' were talking about her. Then, I might have joined you in dissing Paris, now I'd defend her if you bitched about her in front of me. 

Don't get me wrong, I still know nothing about her. But the way the Repo cast and Darren defends her makes me think there's more to her than she puts on. The thing is when I'm obsessed about something, I'm really obsessed and hearing all the things about Paris on the Repo set makes me think 'Hey, maybe she's a nice person after all.' And she's not a bad actress or singer. It took me awhile but I like Amber, and as anyone who knows me knows, it's hard for me to like female characters.

The thing is I feel bad for Paris. Like the few Repo panels she was on, you could see the audience attacking her. Or annoyingly, how all the reporters would keep asking the rest of the cast about her, hoping to score more gossip or something. Hell she even won a Razzie for Repo even though I thought she did brilliant in it. And I think it's more like, when the public has a joke or a target, they really go for it. I mean I can't be the only one that's fed up with the Bush and Sarah Palin jokes. (Who knows how long the Miley Cyrus thing will last)

I'm really sorry for the long post. It's just reading the article really struck something in me especially the part when she was talking about how she related to Amber and probably about her own dad as well. I won't say I'm a Paris fan but when Darren, Terrance, Bill and Ogre defend her (these are all people I really look up to and respect), I know that there must be something more to her than the empty headed persona she puts on.

OMG tell me 5 years ago I'd be writing a 5 paragraph post at 6 am defending Paris Hilton and I'd tell you, you were mentally insane but well...people surprise you I guess. And I don't know what is it about Repo, whether it's chemistry or the directors, but when the cast becomes such a family and when they treat their fans with so much love and gratitude, you feel you really belong to that family. And you'd do anything to protect your family.

PS: Yes, I copied and pasted this from my FB post cause I thought 'hey, it actually sounds good and I wanna keep it'. XD Besides, FB people won't appreciate my wonderful deep musings. XD XP Ok I know, I know... 6.30, a bit too high. Bad time to write. Need sleep. So bye guyz. I'm sure you all are so happy that after months of hiatus, my latest post is about Paris Hilton. xD Nightz!!!!

Do You Hear The People Sing? Singing the Song of Angry Men.

I knew I shouldn't have put so much hope in this election. When I opened fb earlier at 8pm, I knew it could swing either way. Then, it became very obvious the people were supporting opposition. The results were there. No one could deny it. Now suddenly as if by magic, BN is leading like crazy. Magic boxes appearing everywhere.

I am so disappointed and angry. Perhaps that is my own fault. When I believe in something, I put my whole soul into it. I am passionate that way and in the end I only hurt myself. I didn't even need opp to win IF the election was slightly fair. Just slightly.

Everyone is angry, everyone is fed-up. I am so disappointed I think if I was a different person, I might actually cry. I dunno what I want to post, rant...not really. Spread the news...not really. I think I just needed to do something to not feel so useless.

I still remember as the election results started me and my friends were crazy excited now everyone is so dead. Everyone stop caring d. Angry also tired of being angry.

But I do like what someone posted, this election has united the people of Malaysia better than any stupid 1Malaysia program. I bet Najib is breathing his sigh of relief and BN can go back to siphoning our money. Just fuck this shit. I'm staying in Australia if I can find a hospital who will accept me. I've had enough. I'm done.

Psycho Homework

Mr Paul told us during the last Psycho lecture last sem to think about/plan our funeral. As usual of most of my non-marked, non-hurdle homework I never got it done. So I got bored recently and decided to think about it. This however led me to the question, who is the funeral for? Is it for the deceased or the people the deceased left behind?

I mean the deceased is well deceased. And depending on which afterlife they believe in, they probably wouldn't even be present at their own funeral. So if the funeral is for the family of the deceased, is there really a point of 'planning my funeral'? I know what Paul wanted from it, not the actual plan but coming to terms with death.

But I'm 21. As far as I know, death is eons away. I don't really see the point/need of coming to terms with death.

Anyway back to the original assignment and it's problems. Well the main part I got to before going on a long philosophical argument of the above was the guest list. I dun want a big funeral. I don't want people there who don't actually care about me or know me at all. Y'know like relatives who barely said more than a few words to the deceased but is always present at the funeral? I just want close friends and family to be there. Whose lives were actually affected by me.

But then I slipped into the debate. These relatives and family friends probably wouldn't be here for me. They'd be here for my family who they may actually be close to. And so, wouldn't it be selfish if I say I wouldn't want these people at my funeral since I'd probably not be there at all. (But I do wanna be there.)

So after that I kinda stopped thinking about planning the funeral since it wasn't about me at all. It wouldn't matter if I wasn't very religious. If my family would feel better about doing prayers or buried the Christian way etc that would be up to them. I don't think i have the right to have any say in that. I dun even know IF I wouldn't want having that either. Like I said I stopped thinking. I dunno what it would be like when I do die or how long more it would be. I don't want people taking this as the gospel truth and all that.

Maybe one day I'll sit down and plan out a funeral that I would like. But it would probably be kept personal/secret or something so people wouldn't feel obliged to follow it. Like I said, a funeral is for the people left behind. Not for the deceased. Good god, you could play 'Ding Dong the witch is dead' for all I care though you might get some angry 'Chua's chasing you.

PS Though, please let someone who knows my music taste to choose the playlist. That is my only fixed criteria. God help the person who decides to play Bieber or Minaj or any shit like that at my funeral. I will come back and haunt you. :P Byez

Sometimes I am made to feel very naive when I express my support for Anwar. Perhaps I am naive. I do know he is a politician and he probably doesn't mean half the things he says but I also know that these things he fights for are the main reason the people support him. He can't exactly go back on his word less he lose the next election for sure.

I know people are terrified that the economy will crumble if opposition wins the fight this time but for me, I crave change more than I fear the unknown. Again, perhaps its naivety but for me, I think that if the opposition wins this time around, they would act better. I'm not saying there's no corruption in the opposition but I believe that they know that even if they win their power is not stable, they need to be on their best behavior.

I haven't thought much of politics since I left secondary school. (Maybe a bit in A-levels but nothing big) Maybe it's cause that was when the government affected me the most. The anger and hatred I had towards the government and...well the race that dominated this country was intense. {Dun get me wrong, I'm not racist, my best friend is of that race} The thing was at that time I hated this country so much that all I wanted was to leave.

I don't feel that way anymore. Everyone is telling me to apply for a job is Australia and work there...and I kinda don't want to. Have I actually fallen for this country. O_O And if I do stay here, I want...no need change. I'm tired of Malaysia's overly-consevative laws and rules. And honestly, I kinda wish that Anwar was homosexual to at least I dunno, try to change the country's mindset a bit.

It's like I dunno...I have a variety of friends in Uni now and the mix between open and closed minded is so big AND YET it's still not as bad as our country's view of things. When I realized how happy/comfortable I was being with this/these open-minded friend(s) that i knew what I needed for myself. Too long have I been stuck with close-minded people that I have hated/resented/been annoyed by the people around me, the people in this country that I always thought had I been born somewhere else I would have been so much more content. (This is ignoring those effing Mangoes who feels its their duty to remind me I don't deserve to be/I'm not a chinese because I'm a banana).

So perhaps I have placed my hope on Anwar. Realistically I honestly don't think Opposition will win this round. But next election? (With my help of course they will XD) It will take time, I know, but hopefully my kids will not have to worry about quotas or the feeling of second class citizenship. One day our race will be Malaysian instead of malay, chinese or indian. Perhaps I'm too hopeful/optimistic/naive but I doubt Malaysia will be stuck in this rut forever.

Yet Another Repo Post

Ok I just had to get this out. Of course I could have just argued with myself in my head but where's the fun in that. Besides, my blog was getting cobwebby anyway.

So we all know that Repo was from the stage. So I've heard the first version which was a 3 part 1 man show. But that's not the one I wanted to talk about. It's the one just before the movie was made. The one (probably) that Bill Moseley saw that got him onto the project. And good god after listening to all the alternate versions and plots, I can't get it out of my mind.

Now anyone that knows me and Repo knows that Luigi is my favorite character (of course it could be a Bill Moseley thing, I dunno). But stage Luigi (or Lucci as he's known in the play), I wonder if I could like him. I have no idea how the plot is so here I am trying to put together all the pieces. But as far as I know Amber Sweet (Heather here) is Luigi's kid, not Rotti's. (Luigi, Pavi and Rotti are brothers here). And as far as hints go, Luigi seems crueler? to Amber than Rotti ever was (ok fine Rotti spoiled her rotten but still). And this bugs me so much because it's seems that other than personality, Luigi and Rotti switched parts of the storyline. And I can't wrap my mind around it because the reason I hate Rotti is the way he treats his kids, so would this mean I would hate Lucci? Even if his personality is generally the same? And switching that around, does that mean that Rotti would move up my favourite character list. I mean what he did to Marni was pretty despicable but she was a whore and had it coming anyway. (My interpretation, deal).

Now as far as I've heard, no one dies at the end of the stage play. So how does it end? Is it possible to end without the deaths? I saw a pic where Mag had bandages over her eyes so I'm guessing she still ripped them out, ok fine. But how does Nathan end up? What is the climax then? Rotti probably wouldn't die of any illness since he is the youngest of the three. But even if he does, issit a big deal? GeneCo doesn't actually belong (solely) to him. What about Heather? In Choices (stage version of At the Opera Tonight), the Largos sing about plans laid tomorrow and all that. What plans? Still revenge at Nathan? Without the whole give Shilo GeneCo thing. What does that have to do with the other 3 Largos? Can you see how this bugs me?

Ok fine, you can accuse me of overthinking things but these are legit questions. (And of course my Repo obsession has overtaken my life). I've accepted that there's no Repo 2, fine. Painfully and heartbrokenly, I accept. But this is already filmed. Can't they just 'accidentally' let it go viral (or sell it, I'm fine with that). I admit, I don't expect it to turn out anywhere as wonderful as Repo! movie was but I'd like to see how it was before. Every interpretation possible. I'd like to see and understand more of the characters and the history. Like listening to the stage (& original) version of 21st Century Cure. There was history there I never knew before. Like why Sanitarium is dark all the time. What disease killed all those people (ok it was a bit of a mouthful but I kinda understood it). As wonderful as Repo! was there's so much missing that I need to fill in the blanks. I'm glad to find wonderful hints and tidbits dropped by Terrance like for ex. that Rotti is a serial ladykiller (literally) and that each of his kids have different moms. Or that Rotti was dying from Glioblastoma Multiforme (some form of brain cancer) which makes sense since brain transplant doesn't seem to make much sense. *_*

Haha see you waited so long for such a philosophical post. (Rolls eyes) I'll update when I actually have anything interesting going on in my life. So a couple of months maybe? See ya then. ^_^

PS. I thought The Movies game would give me a new obsession...instead it's deepened my obsession with Repo. T_T Oh well

End of the World

That was the topic for me and my friend's English Aural test (what? you didn't expect me to choose anything mainstream did you?) During our aural, we assumed that the Mayan prediction was right and we started listing things that we wanted to do before the world ended on 21st December 2012. In all honesty, I can only remember 3-4 of the things I listed.

Well, 21st is next Thursday and I haven't done a single thing on my list. Perhaps I was too naive when I listed those thinking I could accomplish them by 20 but they were (maybe) rather realistic things to do (except maybe one).

I'm not saying I believe the world will end next week...In fact I doubt it, you'd think the warning signs would appear by now. But in Form 5, 2012 looked like an eternity more. It felt like anything could be accomplished.

I do it almost every year, write down a list of things I want to get accomplished by the end of the year. Except perhaps general stuff like grade expectations, I find myself putting down the same goals every year.

Perhaps that is human nature, to sit there and hope instead of getting up and doing. All I know is that if the world ends next week, I haven't done anything I truly wanted. I wouldn't die happy or satisfied. I guess this should be a wake-up call for me, to tell me to get on with my life, do what I want to do... but generally most of my goals just doesn't fullfilable on my own, at least currently.

Besides, it's not been a bad year. I've experienced/learned more things than I care to admit. Things I never thought I would do. Maybe it's not been that bad of a life. I haven't done what I always wanted to do but for a 20 year old with my biopsychosocial status, I think I've done pretty ok.

Shadow Self?

This is always something that bugged me. I always heard people wanting to date people who were like them but I kinda figured that wouldn't work. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm very in to personality stuff and as far as I can tell (generally but not all), astrology personalities are quite accurate. (Again personalities not the stupid future thing). So, according to dating compatibility, try not to date within your sign (they can either be super compatible or extremely uncompatible). I dunno, comparing my relationships it makes sense. Initially I find it very hard to get along with Taurus' but give it time, they are nice to talk to because some things are relatable.

I would never want to date a Taurus. I mean I'm not going to ask my future boyfriend his sign then run away or anything but I doubt a Taurus would work for me. I know the weaknesses of a Taurus and frankly, with both parties of the relationship with the same weakness, it will be a pain in the neck. I haven't actually met a male Taurus yet though... (I generally only ask the horoscope of people closer to me) So whether we are compatible is something I never really analyzed.

I always wanted to meet myself. I see the view of myself from an unbiased eyes but i honesly doubt I'd like myself very much. Whether because of the poor view I have of myself or this shadow self concept I've been talking about. And it kinda makes sense. I dunno if it's just to diversify personalities but shows with a group don't really have people with the same personalities. Like the Ninja Turtles for example, each one of them exemplifies Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Whether it's the shows idea of diversifying the cast, or it kinda shows that characters with similar personalities don't generally get along.

Which leads me to the last part, identifying with characters in a show. Sometimes (but very rarely) when I read a book or watch a show, I'd go, 'Hey this reminds me of someone' but I never really experienced it myself. The closest I've gotten was to Luigi but I think that's more of me identifying so much with his character that in my head canon, I've twisted him into how I want him to be (Well, Repo! didn't really give me much to work on. Every fan has their own head canon/interpretation of the characters) But nada. I dunno if perhaps my personality is too unmarketable but nope not even among the unlikeble characters have I found myself. Someone suggested it might be the shadow self concept again. The characters who are most like you annoy you so much that you can't bring yourself to identify with them.

So actually I'd like to hear your opinions. Are your good friends or significant other anything like you? Have you identified or found yourself as characters in shows, movies etc? Well, hit me up and comment below or on my facebook post. ^_^

New Blog

http://portraitofaninfp.blogspot.com/

To make it clear, I'm not changing my blog. Pits of Depression will still be here for years to come for me to bitch and whine. I just wanted to try something new. So just check it out. If it gets the response I want, then I might continue (until sem starts at least xD)

Dilemma or Copycat?

Ok so hey guyz I'm back. Short post this time. A friend of mine has just changed her blog to have a more 'bloggish' feel instead of a diary and I was wondering if that might be a good idea. I mean generally I know the population of my readers (prior to me sharing my blog on FB) and it's pretty much 2 or 3 of my closest friends who like reading. I have been looking for a hobby to fill my 4 months holiday, so perhaps a more formal blog would be better? Of course I'd have to think up a topic first and suggestions would be helpful. Don't worry though, I'm not dumping this blog. I still need a place to whine and rant. Especially with 2nd year of Med School coming up (if I can make it).

Of course there's also the problem with me never finishing what I started as well as my essay tones are more personal and story based. I hardly ever write factual essays though I guess opinion based wouldn't be half bad. So whaddaya guyz think? It would be a way to spend my time. I was thinking of, not say reviewing per-say, but more on give my opinion of random stuff like the lastest movie I watched or website I visited or boardgame I played (bigger excuse to go to Meeples). I know I do that already but perhaps a more formal 'reviewy' view than a personal one, i dunno... So suggestions and comments will be greatly appreciated. ^_^

PS Yes, I'm clearly ignoring the fact I should be studying now...

So no one's been updating their blogs... Dun really feel like updating mine but I needed to rant. No not rant...whine? So last day of exams are here and now I feel more depressed than ever. Since I came back until now I've done nothing but cry. Overreacting? I dun think so...I dunno I'm just so tired. I dunno wat happened to me. I think my mind just gave up on me. I've never let a previous station/exam disturb my next one before. Seriously I just wanna lie down and die. (No, not a warning sign. No need to go knocking on Mr Paul's door)

I dun even wanna go Penang anymore...not that I was keen to go in the first place. I'm just so tired...And to think about going Penang and hearing everyone talk about how well they did for the exam and the smart people 'pretending' they're gonna fail. Seriously I just need some time out right now. Some time to myself... Some time to think and reflect.  But I can't... Sunday heading to Penang until Wed and then I probably should start studying for the supplementary test. I know I won't though. I can't study for the sake of studying.

I dunno about working anymore...I mean I still wanna work but they'd only wanna hire for like the full 4 months. I can't work and deal with people everyday for 4 months and go back to uni. And I can't start immediately. I have to concentrate for supplementary first. And to think I have to go through all this again next year. I wonder if u fail year 2, will u get a chance to resit for the year. And by then it's too late to change course right?

I'm sorry for whining... it's just sometimes I feel I dun have anyone to talk to... No fault of anyone of course... I dunno how to express myself in words...oni writing...Besides family of guyz, not really programmed to show weakness in front of people... I dunno...I'm just so tired...I think the Penang trip is really gonna make or break me... I dunno...Maybe if I wake up 2moro i'll be fine again...who knows... But for now... I'm just so...out of it...

I've given up on being happy here. Maybe it's just exam stress but I honestly hate my life now. Half of me wants to fail so I dun have to continue here anymore. The other half knows I can't take that kind of blow. I'm angry all the time and if I'm not angry I'm stressed beyond my mind. Honestly I can't look forward to next year. I dunno wat I want anymore. Sometimes I just want to lie down and die. Makes everything so much more simpler. I am not coping well as you can tell. I just have the feeling I'm not gonna do well for this exam and I dunno what to do anymore. I just want my results now so I can decide what to do with my life. I'm just not happy here. I hate everything. All that's keeping me sane are the shows I watch every week and even those are not enough anymore. Nothing is enough anymore. All I feel is dread for the coming year, for the coming years, even for working. I dunno if it's just the stress talking but I'm not looking forward to being a doctor at all. I just want to give up...not just on this...on everything...

I think the common reccommendation that INFPs would like to work in people oriented service jobs is a bit off the mark. We do usually care about others and enjoy showing our care, but we are still introverts and we don’t generally like a lot of shallow interactions – which means that service jobs may be fullfilling and draining at the same time.

Paraphrasing...but a main reason why I don't think I'm cut out to be a doctor... I'm trying but I think I'm still stuck...

That moment when you realize you want to tell people about your problems but they are only interested about talking about themselves or their problems. And you just sit there close to tears, consoling them or helping them fix their problems. And all you can think is how lonely you are and realize that people probably don't care about you as much as they claim.

PS Thank you Aisyah for listening to me. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one I can talk to.

I was reading up my next sem's study guide and I'm kinda freaking out. Haha... Partially it's cause I haven't got my results yet so I dunno how well I'm coping with it. Next sem's syllabus is VERY anatomy-heavy. Even our clinical skills seems to be anatomy-only. I mean it seems fun, don't get me wrong. But you'd probably can't do it unless you know your anatomy. 

I hate anatomy. Not because of anything but I'm not the memorizing type. And next sem seems to be concentrated on Pharmacology and Anatomy, 2 very memorize-based subjects. Yes, so I kinda am freaking out. Ok breath... breath... Yes I know Medicine is all about Anatomy but good god I REALLY can't memorize that subject. I remember better by understanding but you can't 'understand' the names you have to memorize them...

Ok ok...I have to admit though, I really love next sems Psycho syllabus. Haha seems more like the psycho I want to learn. Human development. How the environment influences the character etc. *_* Hopefully it's as fun as I'm imagining it to be. 

Hmn... no HEP, ethics or law next sem. Actually...not much tutorials either. To me it just seems like we are studying anatomy the whole sem (plus a couple other stuff). Hmn... maybe Malaysian style is slightly different and I should wait for our study guide version. But I doubt there'd be much difference. Haiz...this sem since very study-based compared to last sem.

Wow, I didn't know we were heading to Johor in the 3rd week itself. I hope we can choose group members. I think I work well with my current group. I really don't need a kiasu perfectionist driving me, I have no patience for them. Hopefully it's fun. I mean it's like a 5 day camp. *_* Haha I really hope we can choose dorm mates etc. Then we can stay up the whole night. Mwahahahahaha.

Hmn... I think I was putting really high hopes on a 'fun' next sem which is why I'm kinda disappointed now. I mean we had injection practical and first aid etc but this sem doesn't seem to have anything really stand out fun. Or maybe I'm just whiny. I mean I know it's gonna be a bz year. We have what, 4 projects coming out? I'm so happy some of them are hurdles (even if it's the one I think would be the most fun). Maybe I should re-read my last sems study guide and see whether it looks as boring. If it does, then maybe I'm just over-reacting. 

Remember how I was all 'I wanna change groups to make more friends'? Now I really don't. Haha I dunno lar, freaking out maybe. But I really click well with my current group. (Or maybe I just miss them from the month-long separation). And with so much group projects stuff, maybe it's better that way. Haha but you know what I'm glad about? NO MORE DEBATES!!! Haha but I really am sad we didn't do the court case thing. That would have been fun. Haha. Ok then guyz. Ciaoz

OKOK CHILL GUYZ I'm updating my blog. Haha SORRY just haven't had a decent writing mood in ages, still dun really have it atm. So this post will probably be really short...or whiny haha... WAIT WAIT dun kill me, let me thing of what to write.

First agenda would probably be, I'VE BEEN A MED STUDENT FOR A WHOLE SEM NOW. I can say very firmly now that I still don't know whether I will be happy in this line. Don't get me wrong, I can make this work that much I know... I just still dunno whether I will like this. I don't like interacting with people... I'm glad I'm a doctor so people come to me instead I approaching them but still... I'm glad patient interviews have a set format but if you ask me to think of how to really talk to them, interact with an emotional patient, patient motivation...I'm stumped... Exams I think I can perform...real life? That's why I wanna stick to surgery...less talking more action but then...I've seriously been rethinking surgery (and Oncology but that's a separate matter) I mean the practical parts are the most fun parts but... I dunno lar... I'm just rethinking it.

I really hate how our 1 sem is only 3 months. The lectures become really cramped up and there's just not enough time. Only 3 months of being a proud member of Group G, next sem new group but hopefully same friends. Haha 3 months was surprisingly enough time for me to form new bonds. I think it's because of transition camp and how we are the same group for EVERYTHING. So yea, my gang spend nearly every minute in campus together until sick of their faces d. LOLZ kidding. But for some of the group 3 months is certainly not enough to be close, esp if we don't spend lunch together. (And you have no idea how hard it is to take a group picture. Someone is always missing.) So anyway new group...hopefully not a kiasu one that needs all the pbl presentations to be perfect and all that shit. X/ I still think it's a real waste of time...but I'm still holding on to the hope we'll feel like House soon. XD

Exams? Haha... I just wanna pass that's all I can say. I'm so not used to the feeling of being totally average (or below average...whichever) To think that the only thing I'm (partially) good at is studies/exams it's a real blow to my ego. Haha Oh well, as long as I don't debate with any pros I can keep the illusion that I'm a good debater. XD Oh well... I guess new group new image? Haha I think I must reel myself in during any group sharing sessions...Lolz It's like my mouth has no filter and I have to pour out my soul. X/ Yikes... Haha Er...anyway exams... It was hard... so I'm relying on everyone doing badly too? Haha yea I know that's mean... but what can you do in Medicine... I don't think I did that badly in OSCE but I know I can do better. More practice maybe? I realize anatomy is not that bad for me if it isn;t taught in 'lecture' style. When we explained it to each other, it seemed so much simpler. I'm trying to use songs for Pharmacology but it's a REALLY short term method...so we'll see how that works out for more drugs. @_@

Hmn... what else can I talk about... Haha I'M OBSESSED WITH RUMPLESTILSKIN/BELLE. What's this? My first straight OTP in years (or issit ever? I can't recall). Haha I FINALLY get why girls seem to like chic flicks so much and romance novels. *_* Haha I've been blasting love songs non-stop. Haha I feel like I'm the one in love. XD I watched that ep what 4 times? Haha Beauty and the Beast indeed. *_* Screw Stockholm syndrome, that doesn't exist = P If season 2 doesn't give them a Happy Ending and Rumple finding his son, I'm gonna go kill someone. OR WORSE pull a leaf out of Game of Thrones book and start killing people off. >_>

Haha okok enough about that...what else? I need writing inspiration? Haha...I feel like writing but I have no inspiration...My inspiration only hits when I'm busy or exams are coming. Haiz... I dunno if it's expectations or what but when I think something I've written is nice and I read it again, it's probably narmy and it sucks but when I think something I've written is not up to par to my usual standards, I'm usually (pleasantly) surprised when I re-read it. Haha I need a second opinion but people will generally give you good comments or compliments even if it sucks... Meh...all my recent fanfics are Repo anyway and no one really watches it...

Haha...ok now I know I'm just writing for the sake of writing...This is getting really long. Ok guyz read this long post and worship it, love it. XD It's likely a LONG time before I write again (or tomorrow, who knows, my moods are sporadic XD) Ok then guyz CIAOZ!!!

How I'm using Repo to study Medicine

Charmaine Chua Thinks Luigi Seems Cocky
Cranial Cervical Thoracic Lumbar Sacral Coccyx

Charmaine Seems Parasympathetic
Cranial Sacral
Now Charmaine is lazy and likes to eat: Rest and Digest

Luigi too thinks (he's) Sympathetic
Lumbar 2 Thoracic
Luigi is most likely to stab you hence, Fight and Flight

I have no idea if that is easier or more complicating but that's wat im using

Hahahaha I'm back!!! See as I have been re-reading my past posts I realized I will definitely post before exams. LOLZ I guess I just like to whine about the stress. Mmn...let's see what's up? Freebird is stuck in my head. I LOVE that song but the guitar riff at the end is a tad bit overboard.

I've been watching Once Upon A Time, so far quite interesting but they are going about with ep based storyline instead of whole season based. I saw Rumplestiltskin and I was like ok, if he is not a bad guy, he is gonna be my favourite character and by the next ep they hint he may be the Big Bad after all. >_> Fine...I hope he'll be an anti-villian of affable evil or something like that.

Hmn... watching Game of Thrones and yes, I know everyone likes him to and I'm not supposed to follow the majority but I can't help it. Tyrion seems to be one of the only few likeble characters in the whole show. From the sound of it, I think I'll like Jamie but I haven't seen him much. Urgh but I'll stop here cause that story has too many characters and is way too confusing. @_@

Can I summarize the other season finales here?
Glee: Meh
Supernatural: Boring but good cliffhanger
House: AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha go search my fb status lar, I lz to repeat myself. XD

Oklar I wanna go study d. Yes I know it's a miracle to hear that from me. I did badly for my last exam, need to work harder. The new topics are pretty hard. @_@ If I can at least maintain, I think I'd be pretty satisfied d. Then I have a month holiday. *_* I dunno wat I'm gonna do but I'd definitely need it