Why won't you listen?

I know it's a common INFP complaint that they feel no one is listening to them. It's so annoying. I dunno if it's a communication thing. Maybe it's my fault I dunno but sometimes I try so hard and no one listens.

It's so annoying to just sit there listening to conversations and you have things you want to say but you just don't dare to say them. And finally when you get the courage to say it, it's misinterpreted, it goes unheard/ignored or worst, it gets shot down. And you're sitting there thinking, let me just crawl back into the hole where I came from and never come back out or worse, when I let my Te come out as a defense mechanism and I'm misunderstood even more but this time it's by my own doing.

It's really so annoying.

Like how I try so hard to try to tell my cousin not to pursue Medicine if he's not interested. And I tell him things I don't even tell my parents like my family have no idea how hard Medicine is hitting me all they know is I hate studying. And I try so goddamn hard and it's Open Day all over again. The snide glances, the judging looks. And he started asking me how I did for SPM, how I did in school. Like what the hell does that matter? I'm telling you my view and you are judging how smart/lazy I am. As soon as I open my mouth I regretted it. He wouldn't understand unless he's in Med School. I don't think I would have gotten how hard it was pre-Med School anyway.

But it hurts so much to go unheard.

I had a discussion with some guy about a question and I disagreed with his answer. I tried to explain why I thought it was another way. I quoted websites for him. Did he listen? Who knows? Because he just ignored what I said and insisted that he was right. And...and I don't know how to put it to words. Like I said it may just be my communication problem I dunno but the way he made me feel. It made me feel like my opinion didn't matter. Like just because I wasn't one of the famous top students or something, I couldn't be right. If he addressed my points and told me how they were wrong, I'd accept it. But he treated me like I was stupid and stubborn on insisting my answer was right. Hey, I may have made a mental error and misjudged the answer, I dunno. But when I try so hard to help, to voice out my opinion, explain to me what I did wrong, not insist your answer is right and that I'm stubborn and complicating things. And I just feel angry, unheard and embaressed. And I can't delete my comments because it look like I merajuk or something. And good god, I don't even know if I'm getting my point across.

And I hate this so much because people keep saying 'speak up', 'you're too quiet', 'talk more'. Why must I change for you? Just because you are extroverted and these things come to you so easily, it's a nightmare for me. And everytime I put myself out, someone does or says something that makes me regret it immediately. My opinions matter. I'm sorry that I can't put what I want to say in words properly. But I have opinions and it matters. Not for it to be shot down anytime you feel I'm an easy target.

I dunno if I'm over-reacting because of stress. Or is it I keep reading that INFPs feel misunderstood or that they keep things buried deep. So I want to be heard, I want to be more open. But I dunno if I'm getting what I wanna say across or I just sound whiny. Who knows cause I honestly feel like giving up. It's like hearing all these INFPs going on about how they feel misunderstood or how hard it is to put their thoughts/feelings into words, I feel like, yea that's just me, that's just gonna happen. Why bother?

Forget it. I'm beyond tired. I dunno what I'm doing anymore. My batteries aren't recharging. My hermit state can't be activated cause I'm never really on my own in this house...not at the moment at least. @_@ I need an escape. Just 1 more week. If coming out of the exams don't send me into emo/depressed mode again, then things will probably get better.

Yea I think I'm going off to bed. I'm falling asleep on the table and I did virtually nothing today. I'm so tired. Maybe I've given up. It's like I don't care anymore. Maybe it's burnout, who knows? I'm just so fed up. I'm so bored, no, sick of studying. I have no one to talk to. I literally do nothing but eat, sleep, study and procastinate. The worst thing about this kind of procastination is I literally do nothing productive, nothing fun. It's just do anything but start studying. If I was watching a movie, or writing, or something that felt a little more fun/productive it'd be fine. But it's so much doing stupid things, I just can't.

Haha this is getting a bit too long now. I babble alot. Klar I wanna go sleep. I wish I'd remember my dreams though. I'm sure it'd be more fun than this...

INFP Photo Spam

I guess I'm not surprised but...I dun really care much about Luna. :( But another site suggested Remus Lupin and I'm all for that. XD As of this moment, he's the only Marauder I can stand and my favourite DADA teacher. 

Did I mention how much I love Belle? ^_^

Yea I still can't find my pencilcase, or my Histology book, or my Gray's Review...See the pattern here?

O_O So that's a real INFP thing. I'm not the only one?

Post Apocalypse INFP

Me? Defending Paris Hilton? Really?

I just had to share this on my wall because I can say I am guilty of the same crime. Years ago, when I first heard about Repo, I was like 'Paris is in it? Count me out.' I've already written her off even though I hadn't watched a single movie of hers. All I knew about her was what the 'paparazi' were talking about her. Then, I might have joined you in dissing Paris, now I'd defend her if you bitched about her in front of me. 

Don't get me wrong, I still know nothing about her. But the way the Repo cast and Darren defends her makes me think there's more to her than she puts on. The thing is when I'm obsessed about something, I'm really obsessed and hearing all the things about Paris on the Repo set makes me think 'Hey, maybe she's a nice person after all.' And she's not a bad actress or singer. It took me awhile but I like Amber, and as anyone who knows me knows, it's hard for me to like female characters.

The thing is I feel bad for Paris. Like the few Repo panels she was on, you could see the audience attacking her. Or annoyingly, how all the reporters would keep asking the rest of the cast about her, hoping to score more gossip or something. Hell she even won a Razzie for Repo even though I thought she did brilliant in it. And I think it's more like, when the public has a joke or a target, they really go for it. I mean I can't be the only one that's fed up with the Bush and Sarah Palin jokes. (Who knows how long the Miley Cyrus thing will last)

I'm really sorry for the long post. It's just reading the article really struck something in me especially the part when she was talking about how she related to Amber and probably about her own dad as well. I won't say I'm a Paris fan but when Darren, Terrance, Bill and Ogre defend her (these are all people I really look up to and respect), I know that there must be something more to her than the empty headed persona she puts on.

OMG tell me 5 years ago I'd be writing a 5 paragraph post at 6 am defending Paris Hilton and I'd tell you, you were mentally insane but well...people surprise you I guess. And I don't know what is it about Repo, whether it's chemistry or the directors, but when the cast becomes such a family and when they treat their fans with so much love and gratitude, you feel you really belong to that family. And you'd do anything to protect your family.

PS: Yes, I copied and pasted this from my FB post cause I thought 'hey, it actually sounds good and I wanna keep it'. XD Besides, FB people won't appreciate my wonderful deep musings. XD XP Ok I know, I know... 6.30, a bit too high. Bad time to write. Need sleep. So bye guyz. I'm sure you all are so happy that after months of hiatus, my latest post is about Paris Hilton. xD Nightz!!!!

Do You Hear The People Sing? Singing the Song of Angry Men.

I knew I shouldn't have put so much hope in this election. When I opened fb earlier at 8pm, I knew it could swing either way. Then, it became very obvious the people were supporting opposition. The results were there. No one could deny it. Now suddenly as if by magic, BN is leading like crazy. Magic boxes appearing everywhere.

I am so disappointed and angry. Perhaps that is my own fault. When I believe in something, I put my whole soul into it. I am passionate that way and in the end I only hurt myself. I didn't even need opp to win IF the election was slightly fair. Just slightly.

Everyone is angry, everyone is fed-up. I am so disappointed I think if I was a different person, I might actually cry. I dunno what I want to post, rant...not really. Spread the news...not really. I think I just needed to do something to not feel so useless.

I still remember as the election results started me and my friends were crazy excited now everyone is so dead. Everyone stop caring d. Angry also tired of being angry.

But I do like what someone posted, this election has united the people of Malaysia better than any stupid 1Malaysia program. I bet Najib is breathing his sigh of relief and BN can go back to siphoning our money. Just fuck this shit. I'm staying in Australia if I can find a hospital who will accept me. I've had enough. I'm done.

Psycho Homework

Mr Paul told us during the last Psycho lecture last sem to think about/plan our funeral. As usual of most of my non-marked, non-hurdle homework I never got it done. So I got bored recently and decided to think about it. This however led me to the question, who is the funeral for? Is it for the deceased or the people the deceased left behind?

I mean the deceased is well deceased. And depending on which afterlife they believe in, they probably wouldn't even be present at their own funeral. So if the funeral is for the family of the deceased, is there really a point of 'planning my funeral'? I know what Paul wanted from it, not the actual plan but coming to terms with death.

But I'm 21. As far as I know, death is eons away. I don't really see the point/need of coming to terms with death.

Anyway back to the original assignment and it's problems. Well the main part I got to before going on a long philosophical argument of the above was the guest list. I dun want a big funeral. I don't want people there who don't actually care about me or know me at all. Y'know like relatives who barely said more than a few words to the deceased but is always present at the funeral? I just want close friends and family to be there. Whose lives were actually affected by me.

But then I slipped into the debate. These relatives and family friends probably wouldn't be here for me. They'd be here for my family who they may actually be close to. And so, wouldn't it be selfish if I say I wouldn't want these people at my funeral since I'd probably not be there at all. (But I do wanna be there.)

So after that I kinda stopped thinking about planning the funeral since it wasn't about me at all. It wouldn't matter if I wasn't very religious. If my family would feel better about doing prayers or buried the Christian way etc that would be up to them. I don't think i have the right to have any say in that. I dun even know IF I wouldn't want having that either. Like I said I stopped thinking. I dunno what it would be like when I do die or how long more it would be. I don't want people taking this as the gospel truth and all that.

Maybe one day I'll sit down and plan out a funeral that I would like. But it would probably be kept personal/secret or something so people wouldn't feel obliged to follow it. Like I said, a funeral is for the people left behind. Not for the deceased. Good god, you could play 'Ding Dong the witch is dead' for all I care though you might get some angry 'Chua's chasing you.

PS Though, please let someone who knows my music taste to choose the playlist. That is my only fixed criteria. God help the person who decides to play Bieber or Minaj or any shit like that at my funeral. I will come back and haunt you. :P Byez

Sometimes I am made to feel very naive when I express my support for Anwar. Perhaps I am naive. I do know he is a politician and he probably doesn't mean half the things he says but I also know that these things he fights for are the main reason the people support him. He can't exactly go back on his word less he lose the next election for sure.

I know people are terrified that the economy will crumble if opposition wins the fight this time but for me, I crave change more than I fear the unknown. Again, perhaps its naivety but for me, I think that if the opposition wins this time around, they would act better. I'm not saying there's no corruption in the opposition but I believe that they know that even if they win their power is not stable, they need to be on their best behavior.

I haven't thought much of politics since I left secondary school. (Maybe a bit in A-levels but nothing big) Maybe it's cause that was when the government affected me the most. The anger and hatred I had towards the government and...well the race that dominated this country was intense. {Dun get me wrong, I'm not racist, my best friend is of that race} The thing was at that time I hated this country so much that all I wanted was to leave.

I don't feel that way anymore. Everyone is telling me to apply for a job is Australia and work there...and I kinda don't want to. Have I actually fallen for this country. O_O And if I do stay here, I want...no need change. I'm tired of Malaysia's overly-consevative laws and rules. And honestly, I kinda wish that Anwar was homosexual to at least I dunno, try to change the country's mindset a bit.

It's like I dunno...I have a variety of friends in Uni now and the mix between open and closed minded is so big AND YET it's still not as bad as our country's view of things. When I realized how happy/comfortable I was being with this/these open-minded friend(s) that i knew what I needed for myself. Too long have I been stuck with close-minded people that I have hated/resented/been annoyed by the people around me, the people in this country that I always thought had I been born somewhere else I would have been so much more content. (This is ignoring those effing Mangoes who feels its their duty to remind me I don't deserve to be/I'm not a chinese because I'm a banana).

So perhaps I have placed my hope on Anwar. Realistically I honestly don't think Opposition will win this round. But next election? (With my help of course they will XD) It will take time, I know, but hopefully my kids will not have to worry about quotas or the feeling of second class citizenship. One day our race will be Malaysian instead of malay, chinese or indian. Perhaps I'm too hopeful/optimistic/naive but I doubt Malaysia will be stuck in this rut forever.

Yet Another Repo Post

Ok I just had to get this out. Of course I could have just argued with myself in my head but where's the fun in that. Besides, my blog was getting cobwebby anyway.

So we all know that Repo was from the stage. So I've heard the first version which was a 3 part 1 man show. But that's not the one I wanted to talk about. It's the one just before the movie was made. The one (probably) that Bill Moseley saw that got him onto the project. And good god after listening to all the alternate versions and plots, I can't get it out of my mind.

Now anyone that knows me and Repo knows that Luigi is my favorite character (of course it could be a Bill Moseley thing, I dunno). But stage Luigi (or Lucci as he's known in the play), I wonder if I could like him. I have no idea how the plot is so here I am trying to put together all the pieces. But as far as I know Amber Sweet (Heather here) is Luigi's kid, not Rotti's. (Luigi, Pavi and Rotti are brothers here). And as far as hints go, Luigi seems crueler? to Amber than Rotti ever was (ok fine Rotti spoiled her rotten but still). And this bugs me so much because it's seems that other than personality, Luigi and Rotti switched parts of the storyline. And I can't wrap my mind around it because the reason I hate Rotti is the way he treats his kids, so would this mean I would hate Lucci? Even if his personality is generally the same? And switching that around, does that mean that Rotti would move up my favourite character list. I mean what he did to Marni was pretty despicable but she was a whore and had it coming anyway. (My interpretation, deal).

Now as far as I've heard, no one dies at the end of the stage play. So how does it end? Is it possible to end without the deaths? I saw a pic where Mag had bandages over her eyes so I'm guessing she still ripped them out, ok fine. But how does Nathan end up? What is the climax then? Rotti probably wouldn't die of any illness since he is the youngest of the three. But even if he does, issit a big deal? GeneCo doesn't actually belong (solely) to him. What about Heather? In Choices (stage version of At the Opera Tonight), the Largos sing about plans laid tomorrow and all that. What plans? Still revenge at Nathan? Without the whole give Shilo GeneCo thing. What does that have to do with the other 3 Largos? Can you see how this bugs me?

Ok fine, you can accuse me of overthinking things but these are legit questions. (And of course my Repo obsession has overtaken my life). I've accepted that there's no Repo 2, fine. Painfully and heartbrokenly, I accept. But this is already filmed. Can't they just 'accidentally' let it go viral (or sell it, I'm fine with that). I admit, I don't expect it to turn out anywhere as wonderful as Repo! movie was but I'd like to see how it was before. Every interpretation possible. I'd like to see and understand more of the characters and the history. Like listening to the stage (& original) version of 21st Century Cure. There was history there I never knew before. Like why Sanitarium is dark all the time. What disease killed all those people (ok it was a bit of a mouthful but I kinda understood it). As wonderful as Repo! was there's so much missing that I need to fill in the blanks. I'm glad to find wonderful hints and tidbits dropped by Terrance like for ex. that Rotti is a serial ladykiller (literally) and that each of his kids have different moms. Or that Rotti was dying from Glioblastoma Multiforme (some form of brain cancer) which makes sense since brain transplant doesn't seem to make much sense. *_*

Haha see you waited so long for such a philosophical post. (Rolls eyes) I'll update when I actually have anything interesting going on in my life. So a couple of months maybe? See ya then. ^_^

PS. I thought The Movies game would give me a new obsession...instead it's deepened my obsession with Repo. T_T Oh well