Haha I finally have inspiration of the third post in my 'weird series'. (Yes that's what i'm gonna call it until I find a better name for it. XD) Haha again, don't read it if you don't want to. I still dunno where I'm going with this but it fulfils my writing needs. And it pisses Alucia off. I'm kidding...or am I? XD

"Don't do it." I looked up at Alucia staring at me, a rare look in her eyes. "I know what you are thinking, don't do it."

I raised an eyebrow and ran through my most recent thoughts. Mostly it was filled with thoughts of the upcoming exams. "What you going on about?"

She laid next to me, refusing to break eye contact. "You've gone through so much worse without relapsing. This is not worth it."

Relapsing? I-oh... I gave her a smile, it came out more forced than it ought to be. "It was just a passing thought. Relax. I'm not that stressed." 'Not yet.' was laid unspoken between us. She knew all my thoughts.

Even so, she stared at me, looking for any trace of lies on my face. I was always a poor liar, a good snarker perhaps, but a horrid liar. She seemed satisfied and her eyes turned cold. "Good."

"Why Alucia, it's nice to know you care." I said with a smirk.

Anger flashed in her eyes but I saw through their falseness. "It's our body you are damaging." I may not share her thoughts as she did mine but Alucia was an open book. The anger and her words were false.

I rolled my eyes, "My body. You are just the passenger remember?"

A quick look of hurt passed Alucia's face and my brows furrowed in confusion. She turned to rise before turning to me suddenly a grabbing my chin. "I know I'm tough on you but it's really ok if you screw up. I'm not going to blame you."

A lump entered my throat but I didn't say anything. Previous failures flashed through my head and I squeezed my eyes shut to force them out. A hesitant arm reached out to stroke my head before pulling me into a hug. "Alucia, I'm fine. Promise." I didn't know why I said my next words and I would regret it in the morning but it just came out and I sort of meant it. "I won't fail. I won't disappoint you. Promise."

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say 

Remember two posts ago I was talking about someone who was grating on my nerves? Not the one who wouldn't shut up, the other one. The passive aggressive dominant. I was convinced she was choleric but now I realize I should hope she isn't. Cause if she is, she can take my place with ease and I'd be alone again.

I know my blog's connected to my fb (i think) so I don't want to say much cause I dunno who can be reading. I've been reading my friend's blogs and I envy how much time they spend on it. My blog is just my personal diary. So I hate it when I have to sensor myself but I've no choice. Can't let certain people read it. No one from Uni reads this (for now) and I have a general idea of who views my blog now so no worries.

I miss writing. I haven't written in ages. I feel like getting crazy about Repo again just so I can write more stories. But nah, no time to write. Exam's in two weeks time. Or one, depends on when u count a week end.  Haha, I'm getting my gang to watch Repo! even if I'm not as in to it but hey who knows, after a rewatch I may be crazy about it again. Bill/Ogre XD I love my friends' reaction to Paris Hilton. Hey I didn't know she was Amber Sweet until the credits so I know the feeling. Haha

I watched Hunger Games that day. Not bad esp considering movies nowadays but I can't help but compare it to Battle Royale. I couldn't stand the hero and heroine of Battle Royale but it's the minor characters that really moved the story. Suicide, betrayal etc I could see that happening. Hunger Games... it was hard to call the characters believable. They seem to kill really easily without any 'care' at all. The bloodthirstier ones from the richer districts I get but not the others. And all the outside influences spoilt the game for me. I get that they want to concentrate on the 'reality tv' thing and less on the 'game' but nah I just didn't like that from the show.

Next week is full of cafe food. WHY???? I need more 2 hour breaks. I can't stand the cafe food any longer. Maybe I should just go lunchbox by myself if the others don't want to risk it. I'm really really fed up of cafe food that I might actually go mad. xD

Haha nothing much to say really. I had to update cause Pik Ee updated hers. xD So yea, Aisyah go update yours! And er...that's all I guess. Nightz

I'm half asleep. That much I can promise you. How am I coping with life? It's been life... I stress out much much easier now. I had presentations 3 days in a row...That was stressful. I have no research skills that much I can promise you. I have no idea what to do when my assignments come. Que Sera Sera?

Mmn slipped back into my (default) Melancholic mode today. My friend kept asking me whether I was sick. Lolz? I guess that is a testament of how Sanguine I've been the last couple of weeks. (Well choleric as well but I'm always choleric.) Haha I'm zoning out more and more... But I'm used to that. Maybe I have ADD. Haha That day in class I decided to list the punishments in each level of hell in Dante's Inferno... Random much?

Yea I know I've been talking about the same things over and over again. Stress and zoning out. But it seems to be a staple in my life. It's become a long tedious routine. Classes, come home, get on the comp, do 'homework' and by then I'm too tired to think and bed. That's all my life is. Why am I here again? Honestly until now, I have no idea why I'm in this course but I don't regret anything specific yet, just the amount to study and the stress.

I'm surrounded by Type A personalities. That's expected of course in Med course. I think almost everyone is Type A. It's really stressful to be surrounded by stressed out people. Honestly, I think people stress me out more than the work or myself. The selfish kiasuness is not obvious (not yet), but the other sort of kiasuness is obviously there and like everyone has it. Again, I guess you have to have some sort of kiasuness to get into Med school I guess but again, big stress factors.

Haha listening to Ohgr again. Miss his songs. Such a refreshing change to pop songs. But still, not the kind of artist I'd randomly introduce to my friends. AND Devil's Carnival. I really really wanna watch that. I dunno how long more before they come out but DAMNIT I don't wanna wait. Doesn't matter I dunno the main actors, I've perfect confidence the writers and directors would make characters that I'd like. They made me like Paris Hilton for heaven's sake. I still think that's some form of a miracle.

My eyes are closing. I still dunno what I'm doing here in Med course. I'm still not the constant study type. I reallt don't think I can cope when the workload starts piling up. I'm just glad for a great team I guess. They will help when I need it even the (what I thought) were the more kiasu ones. I'm still worried I'm not fitting in as much as I think I am. I'm definitely more comfortable here than I was in A-levels initially...but it seems I'm the only one who thinks so... Again I dun think I'm fitting in as well as I think or expect, (I always suspected I never fitted in to Tea Party and I was right wasn't I? I was the odd man out...always has been. My current group has all 4 temperaments. I hope that actually helps in things but I'm still scared.

It's either that time of month or I'm sinking back to emo mode. I need something to fangirl over. Anything for distraction. SHERLOCK, I NEED SEASON 3!!!!!!!! Or Devil's Carnival but thats gonna take awhile to come out. K guyz, I'm still half asleep and I really need to go. Byez!!!!

I really can't remember how I was in A-Levels but I don't remember acting so... 'sanguine' then, not at the start I mean. I was really melancholic in A-Levels...except for a few emo moments my melancholicness seems to have all but vanished. (Yea I know, I seem to be speaking in a foreign language). I've been really animated lately, and I don't get that way unless you are talking about something I'm crazy about (and that's if my melancholicness haven't set in).

There may actually be one more person popping up in my group that is going to grate on my last nerves but I think I can tahan that person at least lar. Typical dominant (a bit passive aggresive) types who I totally bet have no idea they are dominant and will be insulted or look for 'support' if I tell them that. I'll just give it more time and see how things go. The other person I could generally ignore but this person is a little harder. Que Sera Sera

Lolz Sanzo and Gojyo is not supposed to get along but my Gojyo is a cancer so technically I'm supposed to. @_@ The 2 aquarius which I'm not supposed to get along with is Hakkai and Goku and we know what a softie Sanzo is. >_> Lolz ok fine...I've gone from a little obsessed to WAY overboard... It's my Melancholic side, I swear. (Ooo speaking of Sanzo, maybe I should get a giant fan to hit on someone's head to shut them up... Ok wow @_@ too many someones. LOLZ but kinda obvious who).

Cholerics may not realise or admit that they are in fact choleric; this seems to be relatively common for some reason. Perhaps they feel that it sounds BAD to be choleric and don't want to sound BAD?

This is common for a lot of cholerics really though I have no idea why. I'm proud to be a choleric (most of my favourite characters are choleric (or melancholic but I digress)). Cholerics get off their asses and do something instead of sitting around on their butts and whining about the problem all day. THEN AGAIN, the above statement might be because most cholerics don't know or refuse to admit their own weaknesses. It takes a semi-melancholic like me to break out of that trap at least. I know my weaknesses and I don't mind admitting some of them. Haha I know my strengths too but er...admitting them is kinda a bit perasan so I dun think it's good mentioning them, neh?

They are not always openly proud, strong, confident leader types who happily jump to the front to command everyone. 

Unfortunately... I used to I think... but after the bad experiences I've had, I'm happy to be in the background or second in command chain. I just don't like the limelight and all that. Neh, melancholic part I guess. My tutor was like 'this girl is very observant', and I could literally hear my choleric and melancholic side arguing. "Yay she noticed me for something good." "Yea way to go shoving us into the limelight." And my eyes was on the ground and I hope I was blushing if not I'd probably look very arrogant...

Haha still trying to figure out how to balance my two sides esp with all this sanguine traits coming in. I'm trying to figure out the zonning out is which personality, cause it sure in hell ain't Choleric. Meh...it's probably my INFP and the whole building stories/daydreaming thing.

Ok I dunno where else my chain of thoughts was supposed to go but I'm sleepy. I better go to sleep. Night guyz... whoever is left....

Wow I didn't know so many of my friends (same age) got married. O_O Haha I still feel REALLY young so I just can't imagine it. I've mentioned time and time again, I don't feel 20. I don't think any of my classmates really feel 20. Haha I've long accepted I'd be about 28-30 when I get married (if I get lucky that is. I'm going to end up a lonely old cat lady, I know it). That's about 10 years. That's a LONG way more. 10 years ago we were in primary school still.

I'm not judging them or anything I just can't imagine getting married so young. Or having kids. X/ I like kids (maybe) but I'm gonna really enjoy my life before I have them. There are advantages of having kids young (like being able to see your great grandkids or even grandkids with the amount of diseases going about now). But nah, I can't imagine having kids so soon. Maybe before my biological clock expires and all that.

Then again, I wouldn't mind adopting kids either. I mean I'm female so there's no carrying on the generation stuff that people seems to love. And it's not like you can't love someone elses kid. So yea, even if I end up a lonely old cat lady, I don't see why I can't have kids.

Yes, I'm a Taurus. I like to eat. That much is evident from my size. Please don't spend 400-600 on shopping and books and whatever else and call me spendthrift when I want spend a bit more for food. We can compare our monthly spending, I guarantee mine is lesser than yours.

I can't say I hate Med school but if I'm stressing out in the first week, you know there's a problem somewhere. I'm not even stressing for the right reasons I guess. Almost (I say almost because I'm holding out for more people like me) everyone here are those people you see at the top of your class. The people constantly studying even without any exams coming. I hate it... I feel like I should study but you know me.

Lazy to type more lar. Still not in any mood actually. I will see how life goes lar. I won't be surprised if I fail the first exam. :( i hope my parents are still not hoping for the first class honors.

Sleepy.

Haha yea taking a break from the weird posts thingy but I'm not gonna say much. I'm too sleepy to think right now. We had Batch Rep voting yesterday. I think I voted for the right person. My other choice kinda disappointed me today and I can't say anything that would not make this obvious so I'm not gonna say anything. I have perfect confidence in the male rep I voted for, though I think he knows who he is and his ego is gonna swell after he reads this. >_> No one give him a link to my blog. Haha I'm kinda surprised I didn't want to run for batch rep though, I guess that's good. I mean it would look good on my resume and all that but nah. Too much bad experience. I just want to enjoy myself now.

Sleepy.

Mmn I signed up for the Uni Magazine and gave them a link to my blog. I really should write something nice for them to accept me but I'm too tired after coming back late everyday. I joined 5 clubs. X/ Big mistake. I think I'm gonna drop Anime club. Honestly not into anime anymore but it's the cosplaying that should be fun. X/ Haha decisions, decisions.

SHIT! I have this horrible cough and I have a singing performance 2moro. I am screwed. I should pull out lar... If I cough into the mic, no one needs to sing d. They won't be able to hear anyone else. Gargh, my throat is so itchy.

I miss writing but no inspiration... The only writing I've done is the last 2 weird posts. I actually had a couple more posts planned out but for reasons I (may or may not) disclose later, they are not very suitable. Either to the theme I've been trying to get or because of the above reason. Why is there no creative writing club in Monash? Ok fine, I can't write on prompts, only on sudden inspiration but still...it should be fun. Mmn my muse won't leave me alone... Tell her/him/it I'm too sleepy to write anything coherent. X/ I shouldn't have made it verse by verse, now there's too many parts to write. Maybe I'll just get through the chorus once. X/ I just re-read the first part, and it looks like it's gonna end up a love story... X/ LOLZ?

K lar. I'm lazy and sleepy d. I think I'm gonna go sleep if I can get the mood to get myself off this couch. X/ K lar guyz. Nightz

'The Only Time She Told Me She Hated Me Out Loud'

Sorry here's the next part. Again, I have very little idea what I'm going for here so you can bypass this if you want. Haven't written in ages so it might just be my muse acting up. Trigger: Suicide Ideation

Alucia never yelled; she was nothing like me. Hers was a cold anger, with a sharp tongue and cruel words. She was furious now, eyes ablaze and with a hint of the crude vulgarity she could only have picked up from me. "You lazy pig! You bitch! I hope you are happy now. You've ruined everything!"

I refused to look at her; I wouldn't have been able to see her if I tried, not with the tears clouding my vision. I pulled my legs closer to myself, perhaps understanding for once the need for the foetal position the characters in movies adopt.

"We could have gotten out of here. Everything you've wanted, we've wanted and worked for. How could you just ruin everything like that?"

"I'm sorry." I choked out. Feelings of utter helplessness and self-hatred engulfed me. I hadn't meant for it to turn out this way. I thought I did my best, I actually thought...

"You always do this. You always spoil anything possibly good in our life. You lazy, over-confident ass." Then she did what I never imagined she could, she began to cry. It was more tears of anger and frustration than tears of grief but they were tears none the less.

It was then perhaps I knew I had hit rock-bottom. I silenced a wail into my pillow. "I tr...ied. I really did." I knew I was trying to convince myself more than her. I had to.

"Look at me and repeat that. I know you, Alucia. I know everything that goes through your pathetic little head. This...don't give me the bullshit that you tried your best. You didn't do shit."

"Please stop." I sobbed into my pillow. No more. It didn't matter if it was the truth. I couldn't hear this anymore. I knew how badly I'd screwed up. It hurt too much to think about it anymore but she won't let me stop but I deserved it. I deserved every inch of her verbal beatdown.

She laughed and more tears fell from her eyes. "I hate you. You are a total and utter failure. I hate you. I don't even care about them, about your family and I already know what a disappointment you are. I feel sorry for them." She paused, perhaps to catch her breath but I could hear her mind turning from here to deal the perfect final blow. "Go kill yourself. You said you were going to right? Two years ago, for less, for much less. Go, go kill yourself and save everyone so much grief and disappointment."

She left but her words haunted the air. In my mind's eye, I saw it. A knife and two perfect slices across my wrists. It would be so easy and everything would stop. This pain would stop, her voice would stop. But I didn't move, I wasn't going to do it, I knew myself that well at least. I was too much of a coward. I hugged myself tighter as the sobbing started afresh.

And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth

An Innocent Chat

First off, I just want to say this is not a blog entry. Well I mean it is but not an entry exactly, if you get me. It's not really a story either. It's just some random writings. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. Even I have very little idea about what this is about. (Might actually be the first in a long series of posts...Sorry)


"It's the 10th time you heard this song. Aren't you bored?"

"No."

"Do you have to listen to the songs we like a million times until we get bored of it in the same week."

"Yes."

"Alucia-"

"Not Alucia."

"-it'd be nice to actually have songs to listen to every now and then. Yes, I am getting bored of Thousand Years."

She ignored me as usual. She's been calling me Alucia for ages, I never understood why. It's the only thing she's ever called me. "It's nice for plotting."

I didn't look at her but I could feel her eyeroll. "Right, your stories are crap. Especially the ones you form in your head. Mary Sue much?" She zoned out a little, "Mmn, Insanity of Grief was favourited."

"I know. No reviews though. Would love to know how to improve."

She rolled her eyes, "Right. You'd take it as a personal attack and emo. Your stories suck by the way. How did you even get a positive review is beyond me."

I gritted my teeth but ignored her.

"Are you sure they like you?" I was about to ask who she was talking about when a couple of faces flashed in my mind. "Then again they might, they don't know you yet. How long do you think they'd last?"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Fuck off. Not in the mood."

She smirked, "Do they know how much you curse? Do they know what a bitch you are in your head? Well...at least you think it's in your head. Wanna ask your old classmates? How many of them liked you again?"

"I had a good time. Don't spoil my mood."

"Riiiiiiight and how many people did you impose on to 'have fun'? How many of them actually enjoyed your company?"

"I told you to piss off."

She grabbed my wrist, "No one likes you. Not even..." She trailed off.

Not even you. I tugged my hand back. "I know..." A glance back to the screen, "Anything to watch? I'm bored." She went on, on shows I'd load but end up not watching. Alucia hated me. It was something I knew all along. It didn't surprise me or even make me upset, don't get me wrong. She was very vocal of her distaste for me. I don't know why I'm sad though. I hate her too right?

Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you

HEYA!!!!!!

Sitting in the Uni library now. Haha I'm early to class. Mwahahahahahaha. Don't get used to it. Haha it's almost the end of the first week of Monash and to quote another blog I read some time ago, I can't believe I've been a Med Student for 2 weeks.

I think I'll start with the life. It doesn't seem so bad after I settle down a little. At first I was going mad because of the amount of prescribed reading we had to do but once I actually got the books it was almost the same notes as the lecturer. I think the lecturer even used the same book. >_> So far it's been mostly lectures. As usual, for anyone who knows me, I keep zoning out. I can't concentrate on most of the lectures. Thank God the post up lecturer notes and that most of what we learned is same/easier than A-Levels (for now). I really can't concentrate. It's either zoning out, or doing other work, or facebooking. LOLZ But yea... scared that this will continue.

Hmn what else. Oh we had our first Clinical class this week. Mostly they just taught us how to talk/interview the patient. It's kinda intimidating and there's a strict guideline on the procedure so I'm scared I miss something. But it's only the first class so maybe it gets better. Speaking of clinical, we are going to a clinic in 2 weeks time. SCARY!!!!! I don't think I'm ready to talk to patients yet. Or maybe it's just literal visiting, I dunno but it's still scary as hell. Sorry, introvert, though my friends would probably disagree but my tutors would agree. Haha I really should participate more in class. Thing is I have to turn the sentence a couple times in my head, make sure it's fine and it doesn't sound stupid. By then, someone else would have spewed the answer.

OR we have a complete (insert random curse word) in our group that doesn't give anyone else the chance to speak. Ok I'm not gonna post the link on FB so hopefully that someone doesn't notice but I needed to get that out. I mean literally no one else has the chance to speak with that person around. But other than this person I absolutely LOVE my PBL group. Haha they are also my 'gang' at the moment so yea. AND THEY READ!!! LOLZ I mean I have found something in common with them. Haha crazy about Final Fantasy; they read Sherlock Holmes & Harry Potter, they can't stand Twillight or Korean shows. AND KARAOKE. LOLZ It's like I'm in heaven. Haha Definitely making friends faster than I expected (well friends to me, dunno about them, haha). I know it will be 3-6 months more but I just can't bare the thought of changing groups. Haha more friends but I get along with everyone in my group and we all have good chemistry. Haha THEN AGAIN, everyone may just hate me and I didn't know it like the certain someone I talked about earlier.

Alright then class is gonna start soon. Very short day today then KARAOKE!!!! Mwahahahahahaha My duet partner ffk today. :( Doubt anyone else knows how to sing Time To Say Goodbye. Oh well. Forever Solo. Haha not gonna used Forever Alone and tempt fate. Haha I think I might actually be happy here. :)