I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
Yoz!!! I updated my blog, finally. Hahaha. So as you know I just came back from Australia and because of that have missed our class' Melaka trip. I don't really regret it because I honestly think it's money I don't think worth spending and Australia is so much more cooler but I guess I just regret not being able to celebrate this closeness with my tea party gang (and the other gangs as well). I guess I just feel this way because I feel like I'm drifting from my gang. Maybe cause I don't come as early or stay as late so I spend almost the least time of all. My ultimate fear is that they don't really want to spend time with me but do it because well...they feel sorry for me or something... Maybe it's cause I'm not used to having a group of close friends. What I had was one or 2 really good or best friends and well it was like only us kinda thing. I will freely admit that I have been jealous in the past when my good friends grew close to others. Maybe it's cause I fear abandonment but I hope I have outgrown that fear because one day everyone must say goodbye and it's foolish to think otherwise.
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say
To quote Aisyah: I sense drama on Facebook. I am not here to justify myself or say I'm innocent in this affair but I think that since I am coming clean I am going to say my piece since I have never really talked about this not even to Peanut Ice (I think). I want to make this very clear that yes, we were friends once upon a time, best friends if you wish to say so. I had crap, u had crap but we were fine. I want you to know I still keep your letters and I smile when I read them. I know it's about time I burn them but there are memories even i don't want to throw away. Maybe you do not know me well enough to know that loyalty is a virtue I hold highly. Yes, I admit I have not been loyal sometimes maybe to Peanut Ice or Piggy or (ketua toothpick, i just realized u dun have a nickname) or the tea party gang or anyone else that I have once held dear in my life. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for them even if I don't show it.
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I guess there is just one too many things I just can't stand. I guess I feel comfortable enough to mention it here now. Everyone has crap. No one has a perfect personality. There are things that I can't stand from people close to me. Yes even from peanut ice or the tea party gang or Soul. And there are definitely things about me people can't stand. I'm not pretending to be perfect. Maybe one day I'll end up bitter and alone and it will be my own doing but that's not the point I'm driving at.
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new, yeah yeah
Tell me, my friend, how many times when we were supposedly best friends have you betrayed my trust? It was not once or twice or thrice but so much more. How many times have you reported me to Mr Shahrul desperate to get me fired perhaps? How many times have you told others, almost strangers about my 'condition'? Yes, I admit that I wasn't exactly very good at hiding it but that's beside the point. Anyone you'd ask would know you don't tell people things like that. Some secrets are meant to be that. I was never bitter when you told the counselor about my 'problem' but telling my classmates, people I tried to make friends with was just well...mean. I called you a bitch when i caught you doing it. I regretted it and was truly sorry about it but the damage had been done on both sides. I knew I could not trust you.
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
Tell me, friend, why is it that I had people telling me that I wasn't as bad as you described me to be? If they were good friends to you and you were telling them that as a way to release your feelings then fine I accept it. Eunice has been my sounding board more than once but this was different. This was pure utter bitching and yet, best friend you called me. This happened the same time you wrote those letters... 2 faced? Or perhaps you talked too much? I can't imagine doing it honestly. Walking up to one of my classmates (outside the tea-party gang) at the start of the year and start telling them about Piggys or Ketua Toothpicks weaknesses or imperfection. I can't see it and I can't bear doing it because because I know them for so long my classmates would believe me and they would be wary of them. That is just utterly cruel and it would have been hard for them to have made friends.
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa whoa
I don't know why but this minor thing was the last straw for me. For that short period of time, I actually believed I was in love with one of my female classmate. (I am finally able to recall the event without feeling ashamed. Thank God) Someone decided it would be good fun to spread it around to school. I was scared, lonely and felt like an outcast. I bared my soul to you and you looked me in the eye and told me you hated homos. I will never forget that moment. It was like you had pronounced a death sentence on me. So yes, my support for gay rights comes from this incident where for that period of time I understood how it felt to be them. I knew what is was like to face homophobia and at that moment when I realized I did not love her but admired her as a person and that I preferred the opposite gender was the moment I realized that being gay was not wrong (that and a healthy dose of slash fics). I will never forget that at that moment while both you and Peanut Ice held me as their best friend, only one of you stood by me at that time. That is something I will always remember, even until the day I die and I will be forever grateful. You were always jealous that me and Peanut Ice shared a closer relationship then I had with you.You always took it that it was solely because we had more in common or we didn't understand you. I want you to see this and understand. She accepted me for who I am and I accept her Japanese Pretty Boys and all. So yea, stop with the whole 'pity me' thing. It's getting old.
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
' If a vase breaks, it can be mended but there will always be the cracks to remind you of what happened.''
That's all I have to say I guess. You are right, it takes 2 to tango and if you want to rant about my mistakes in your blog go ahead. I don't even care if you read this or not. Like I said this is not about throwing blame around or confrontation, this is about me releasing my feelings and all the anger and resentment I have kept pent up inside me all these years. I did not lie when i said I have buried my feelings when I buried you. I did not think about any of these incidents after you left. These resurfaced when you did and they have affected me too much for me to ignore them. I have said my piece and I am at peace.
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier.
“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier. I slid the money gracefully into my coat before turning to face the voice. He wore a black ski mask and held a Smith and Wessons revolver. I nearly laughed at his audacity; that thing was loud and tremendously messy. Granted, it wasn’t something he should worry about but still, it was so unsophisticated.
I held my hands lazily up. He was alone, daring but extremely foolish. True, it was barely peak hour but a single man could not collect the cash and watch everyone at the same time. “You, take this bag and fill it with money.” I laughed inwardly; I see, so he noticed that little problem as well. The terrified bank teller trembled as she stuffed cash into it. She couldn’t be as terrified as she exhibited because she intentionally put in the stacks of 1 dollar notes knowing that the bag would be heavy fast and the bank wouldn’t lose much money; clever girl.
Suddenly, I was vaguely aware of the gun being pointed in my direction. “Collect everyone’s handphones and anything valuable on them. Everyone must give up something or else.” Calmly, I took the bag from him. I considered acting terrified as well but that took too much energy I didn’t care spend. I took the bag and held it in front of each person. Some gave up their jewelry instantly; many others needed the guy to yell profanities at them before dropping them in half-heartedly. I smirked to myself; in the end survival instincts always triumphed.
I handed the man back the bag and sent him a cool look. He didn’t even flinch and instead told me that I had forgotten to put mine in with an irritating calm. I would have laughed really; this man was beginning to earn my respect. I dropped in my handphone with a smirk and my watch soon followed. He didn’t realize that I had money on me; careless but insignificant.
The cashier too made her way to him and handed him the bag. He barely glanced into the bag before backhanding her. She looked shock; had she really expected to get away with that? Stupid girl; she should have at least covered the top with big notes. He barked at her to put to big money into it and fill the second bag while she was at it. That was three bags total; if the cops did find out he’s going to have a ghastly time escaping.
The seconds ticked by lazily; true I did not have anything planned for the day but this was a horrendous waste of time. Could he not move it along faster or at least make things more interesting? I had the urge to use my spare phone to call the feds for extra entertainment but resisted. That would only make things longer and risk injury to myself. No, I’ve never been a hostage and I don’t want to tarnish my record.
After what seemed like ages, the bank teller was finally done filling the bag with 100 dollar notes. She didn’t dare try anything funny, not as a bruise swelled on her face. He saw the bags and paused. I scoffed to myself, he was getting greedy. The two bags were not enough for him and he wanted more. To the poor girl’s horror, he told her to fill another two bags. Calling him a fool would be an understatement. He was wasting precious time to fly by the cops radar and he was making it harder to escape.
Better yet, the idiot took his eyes off the crowd and stared at the girl instead. Maybe he’d finally remembered the alarm the bank had. I hadn’t noticed the bank manager before and wondered whether he might have pressed it. It was too quiet outside to be sure. Well, having darkened windows finally worked to the bank’s pleasure if really the bank was surrounded by the feds.
It was then a sudden movement caught my eye. One of the seemingly innocent people on the floor drew his gun. He just about pointed his gun at the robber when I idly shot him in the head with a snotnosed. It was infinitely more practical than a Smith and had less repulse. Before anyone else could fathom what had happened, I took the bags from the teller and said a crisp “Go,” to the fool of a robber. He blinked and grabbed the bags before him and ran out the door with me right behind him.
As soon as the door opened, I knew we were surrounded. Bullets flew; I ordered the boy to ignore them. I knew to stop and shoot would do nothing but provide a more stable target to the surprisingly trigger-happy cops. A black Camry screeched to a stop before us as the doors flew open. I slid into the front as the boy jumped into the back seat. The car sped off immediately and shots echoed off into the distance.
The idiot boy gave a loud triumphant laugh, “I did it! Come on brother, did you see that? I pulled it off all by myself and am still in one piece. I got a couple grand at least.”
“So what was the master doing there? Cleaning up after you, I suppose?” The driver told the boy jumping up and down the backseat.
“Hey, how was I supposed to know the guy had a gun? I couldn’t check each and every one of them could I?”
“No, that’s why you get a partner or two. Even if they don’t check for guns they can react if anyone pulls a stunt like that.” I growled at him, any calm inclinations I had before was gone. Only this fool of a boy can make me so infuriated.
“I wanted to show you I knew what to do by myself. Besides I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” If my abdomen wasn’t throbbing so badly I would have turned and smacked the boy on the head. I clenched my eyes shut and said nothing. “Brother, are you angry?”
“Fool of a boy, just get some rest. It’ll be a while before we get home.” I glanced placidly at the crimson that painted my side; no longer than 15 minutes at least.
“Master?” The driver looked at me with a grating look of concern. I shook my head pointedly at him and my glare warned him that if he made a sound, he would have a bullet embedded in his forehead.
“Drop the boy at the house. I will not go down with him.” I spared a glance at the boy sleeping in the back seat. “Protect him, Robert. He can’t lead a mob by himself.”
“What do I tell him, master?”
“I had a meeting with Alec and his boys. Negotiations went sour.”
“I can still make it to St Michael’s.”
“No.” I glanced at the boy again. “It would kill him.”
My consigliore’s grip on the wheel tightened. He considered opposing me. I turned my gun to face him. The aim was a bit off but at this distance it was enough to kill. He had the cheek to sigh, “Yes…master.”
My grip on the gun slackened as the roar of the car too began to fade into the distance. I haven’t had a decent sleep in years. My eyes closed and darkness embraced me.
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