Friends? What friends?

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound

Yoz!!! I updated my blog, finally. Hahaha. So as you know I just came back from Australia and because of that have missed our class' Melaka trip. I don't really regret it because I honestly think it's money I don't think worth spending and Australia is so much more cooler but I guess I just regret not being able to celebrate this closeness with my tea party gang (and the other gangs as well). I guess I just feel this way because I feel like I'm drifting from my gang. Maybe cause I don't come as early or stay as late so I spend almost the least time of all. My ultimate fear is that they don't really want to spend time with me but do it because well...they feel sorry for me or something... Maybe it's cause I'm not used to having a group of close friends. What I had was one or 2 really good or best friends and well it was like only us kinda thing. I will freely admit that I have been jealous in the past when my good friends grew close to others. Maybe it's cause I fear abandonment but I hope I have outgrown that fear because one day everyone must say goodbye and it's foolish to think otherwise.

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say

To quote Aisyah: I sense drama on Facebook. I am not here to justify myself or say I'm innocent in this affair but I think that since I am coming clean I am going to say my piece since I have never really talked about this not even to Peanut Ice (I think). I want to make this very clear that yes, we were friends once upon a time, best friends if you wish to say so. I had crap, u had crap but we were fine. I want you to know I still keep your letters and I smile when I read them. I know it's about time I burn them but there are memories even i don't want to throw away. Maybe you do not know me well enough to know that loyalty is a virtue I hold highly. Yes, I admit I have not been loyal sometimes maybe to Peanut Ice or Piggy or (ketua toothpick, i just realized u dun have a nickname) or the tea party gang or anyone else that I have once held dear in my life. I have made my mistakes and I am sorry for them even if I don't show it.

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I guess there is just one too many things I just can't stand. I guess I feel comfortable enough to mention it here now. Everyone has crap. No one has a perfect personality. There are things that I can't stand from people close to me. Yes even from peanut ice or the tea party gang or Soul. And there are definitely things about me people can't stand. I'm not pretending to be perfect. Maybe one day I'll end up bitter and alone and it will be my own doing but that's not the point I'm driving at.

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But that's nothing new, yeah yeah

Tell me, my friend, how many times when we were supposedly best friends have you betrayed my trust? It was not once or twice or thrice but so much more. How many times have you reported me to Mr Shahrul desperate to get me fired perhaps? How many times have you told others, almost strangers about my 'condition'? Yes, I admit that I wasn't exactly very good at hiding it but that's beside the point. Anyone you'd ask would know you don't tell people things like that. Some secrets are meant to be that. I was never bitter when you told the counselor about my 'problem' but telling my classmates, people I tried to make friends with was just well...mean. I called you a bitch when i caught you doing it. I regretted it and was truly sorry about it but the damage had been done on both sides. I knew I could not trust you.

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say sorry like the angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

Tell me, friend, why is it that I had people telling me that I wasn't as bad as you described me to be? If they were good friends to you and you were telling them that as a way to release your feelings then fine I accept it. Eunice has been my sounding board more than once but this was different. This was pure utter bitching and yet, best friend you called me. This happened the same time you wrote those letters... 2 faced? Or perhaps you talked too much? I can't imagine doing it honestly. Walking up to one of my classmates (outside the tea-party gang) at the start of the year and start telling them about Piggys or Ketua Toothpicks weaknesses or imperfection. I can't see it and I can't bear doing it because because I know them for so long my classmates would believe me and they would be wary of them. That is just utterly cruel and it would have been hard for them to have made friends.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late, whoa whoa

I don't know why but this minor thing was the last straw for me. For that short period of time, I actually believed I was in love with one of my female classmate. (I am finally able to recall the event without feeling ashamed. Thank God) Someone decided it would be good fun to spread it around to school. I was scared, lonely and felt like an outcast. I bared my soul to you and you looked me in the eye and told me you hated homos. I will never forget that moment. It was like you had pronounced a death sentence on me. So yes, my support for gay rights comes from this incident where for that period of time I understood how it felt to be them. I knew what is was like to face homophobia and at that moment when I realized I did not love her but admired her as a person and that I preferred the opposite gender was the moment I realized that being gay was not wrong (that and a healthy dose of slash fics). I will never forget that at that moment while both you and Peanut Ice held me as their best friend, only one of you stood by me at that time. That is something I will always remember, even until the day I die and I will be forever grateful. You were always jealous that me and Peanut Ice shared a closer relationship then I had with you.You always took it that it was solely because we had more in common or we didn't understand you. I want you to see this and understand. She accepted me for who I am and I accept her Japanese Pretty Boys and all. So yea, stop with the whole 'pity me' thing. It's getting old.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

' If a vase breaks, it can be mended but there will always be the cracks to remind you of what happened.''
That's all I have to say I guess. You are right, it takes 2 to tango and if you want to rant about my mistakes in your blog go ahead. I don't even care if you read this or not. Like I said this is not about throwing blame around or confrontation, this is about me releasing my feelings and all the anger and resentment I have kept pent up inside me all these years. I did not lie when i said I have buried my feelings when I buried you. I did not think about any of these incidents after you left. These resurfaced when you did and they have affected me too much for me to ignore them. I have said my piece and I am at peace.

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground

“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier.

“Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier. I slid the money gracefully into my coat before turning to face the voice. He wore a black ski mask and held a Smith and Wessons revolver. I nearly laughed at his audacity; that thing was loud and tremendously messy. Granted, it wasn’t something he should worry about but still, it was so unsophisticated.

I held my hands lazily up. He was alone, daring but extremely foolish. True, it was barely peak hour but a single man could not collect the cash and watch everyone at the same time. “You, take this bag and fill it with money.” I laughed inwardly; I see, so he noticed that little problem as well. The terrified bank teller trembled as she stuffed cash into it. She couldn’t be as terrified as she exhibited because she intentionally put in the stacks of 1 dollar notes knowing that the bag would be heavy fast and the bank wouldn’t lose much money; clever girl.

Suddenly, I was vaguely aware of the gun being pointed in my direction. “Collect everyone’s handphones and anything valuable on them. Everyone must give up something or else.” Calmly, I took the bag from him. I considered acting terrified as well but that took too much energy I didn’t care spend. I took the bag and held it in front of each person. Some gave up their jewelry instantly; many others needed the guy to yell profanities at them before dropping them in half-heartedly. I smirked to myself; in the end survival instincts always triumphed.

I handed the man back the bag and sent him a cool look. He didn’t even flinch and instead told me that I had forgotten to put mine in with an irritating calm. I would have laughed really; this man was beginning to earn my respect. I dropped in my handphone with a smirk and my watch soon followed. He didn’t realize that I had money on me; careless but insignificant.

The cashier too made her way to him and handed him the bag. He barely glanced into the bag before backhanding her. She looked shock; had she really expected to get away with that? Stupid girl; she should have at least covered the top with big notes. He barked at her to put to big money into it and fill the second bag while she was at it. That was three bags total; if the cops did find out he’s going to have a ghastly time escaping.

The seconds ticked by lazily; true I did not have anything planned for the day but this was a horrendous waste of time. Could he not move it along faster or at least make things more interesting? I had the urge to use my spare phone to call the feds for extra entertainment but resisted. That would only make things longer and risk injury to myself. No, I’ve never been a hostage and I don’t want to tarnish my record.

After what seemed like ages, the bank teller was finally done filling the bag with 100 dollar notes. She didn’t dare try anything funny, not as a bruise swelled on her face. He saw the bags and paused. I scoffed to myself, he was getting greedy. The two bags were not enough for him and he wanted more. To the poor girl’s horror, he told her to fill another two bags. Calling him a fool would be an understatement. He was wasting precious time to fly by the cops radar and he was making it harder to escape.

Better yet, the idiot took his eyes off the crowd and stared at the girl instead. Maybe he’d finally remembered the alarm the bank had. I hadn’t noticed the bank manager before and wondered whether he might have pressed it. It was too quiet outside to be sure. Well, having darkened windows finally worked to the bank’s pleasure if really the bank was surrounded by the feds.

It was then a sudden movement caught my eye. One of the seemingly innocent people on the floor drew his gun. He just about pointed his gun at the robber when I idly shot him in the head with a snotnosed. It was infinitely more practical than a Smith and had less repulse. Before anyone else could fathom what had happened, I took the bags from the teller and said a crisp “Go,” to the fool of a robber. He blinked and grabbed the bags before him and ran out the door with me right behind him.

As soon as the door opened, I knew we were surrounded. Bullets flew; I ordered the boy to ignore them. I knew to stop and shoot would do nothing but provide a more stable target to the surprisingly trigger-happy cops. A black Camry screeched to a stop before us as the doors flew open. I slid into the front as the boy jumped into the back seat. The car sped off immediately and shots echoed off into the distance.

The idiot boy gave a loud triumphant laugh, “I did it! Come on brother, did you see that? I pulled it off all by myself and am still in one piece. I got a couple grand at least.”

“So what was the master doing there? Cleaning up after you, I suppose?” The driver told the boy jumping up and down the backseat.

“Hey, how was I supposed to know the guy had a gun? I couldn’t check each and every one of them could I?”

“No, that’s why you get a partner or two. Even if they don’t check for guns they can react if anyone pulls a stunt like that.” I growled at him, any calm inclinations I had before was gone. Only this fool of a boy can make me so infuriated.

“I wanted to show you I knew what to do by myself. Besides I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” If my abdomen wasn’t throbbing so badly I would have turned and smacked the boy on the head. I clenched my eyes shut and said nothing. “Brother, are you angry?”

“Fool of a boy, just get some rest. It’ll be a while before we get home.” I glanced placidly at the crimson that painted my side; no longer than 15 minutes at least.

“Master?” The driver looked at me with a grating look of concern. I shook my head pointedly at him and my glare warned him that if he made a sound, he would have a bullet embedded in his forehead.

“Drop the boy at the house. I will not go down with him.” I spared a glance at the boy sleeping in the back seat. “Protect him, Robert. He can’t lead a mob by himself.”

“What do I tell him, master?”

“I had a meeting with Alec and his boys. Negotiations went sour.”

“I can still make it to St Michael’s.”

“No.” I glanced at the boy again. “It would kill him.”

My consigliore’s grip on the wheel tightened. He considered opposing me. I turned my gun to face him. The aim was a bit off but at this distance it was enough to kill. He had the cheek to sigh, “Yes…master.”

My grip on the gun slackened as the roar of the car too began to fade into the distance. I haven’t had a decent sleep in years. My eyes closed and darkness embraced me.

Haha short post. Had to share this cause it really made my day. Partially of course since I'm busy comparing Holmes right now. Might tell you about it after Chemistry. :D Ciaoz

End with: She saw his true nature and decided that she might learn to love him after all.

She wrinkled her nose as she saw the man sitting in the corner of the coffee shop she’d often frequented. He knew she’d be here. She was tired of him following her around. He thought that he would have a chance with her. She had everything she had ever wanted; who did he think he was to force himself into her life.

 

She pushed her chair back with a little more force than necessary. Her friend, no companions, ceased their inane chatter and stared at her. She ignored them and marched to the man. “I remember I told you to leave me alone.”

 

He stared at her in slight shock and hurt. She watched him try to decide whether to lie or to tell the truth. He reached out suddenly and grabbed her arm. “Please Lucy, I beg you. I can do anything for you, everything. Please give me a chance.”

 

The sheer desperation in his voice disgusted her. To call this thing a man would be an insult to men everywhere. “I’ve told you once and a million times before. I have no interest in you and never want to see you again.”

 

“Lucy-”

 

“Leave me alone!” She stormed out of the coffee shop; her half-brained posse following close after her. Nessa muttered how irritating admirers where. She didn’t bother replying. She knew she had to find a new hangout spot; just seeing that face was enough to make her lose her lunch.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

She let out a groan as droplets fell on her face. It had to be this day of all days that her chaffer fell ill. She had no problem walking, she wasn’t that spoiled, but she hated the rain probably only a little less than the Wicked Witch of the West did. Her mother always teased her about how she used to scream like a dying hyena whenever she wanted to give her bath. Her chest tightened; those were memories she didn’t want to think of.

 

A screeching sound made her jump. Her eyes widened as a van swerved to a stop next to her. She yelled at the van, screaming about how it could have hit her. Yes, she didn’t really think that the driver could hear her but it made her feel better. All of a sudden, the side door of the van slid open. She backed away on instinct when a force behind her shoved her into the van. Before she could let out a sound; a cloth was compressed onto her mouth and soon darkness surrounded her.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

She opened her eyes to pure blackness. She took deep breaths, warning herself not to start hyperventilating. In some ways, she was grateful she couldn’t see her surroundings. She had claustrophobic tendencies and she really didn’t want to know the size of the place that held her. “Calm down,” she told herself and tried to analyze her situation. Her hands and legs were tied to the front of her so she wasn’t extremely uncomfortable and had some extent of movement. She was not gagged and she had no injuries, yet. She let out a sneeze and shivered. She was still in her wet clothes and this place did not have a heater. She sneezed again.

 

“Ah, you are awake.” She narrowed her eyes as bright light filled the room. It took all she could to not look around the room. She could not panic now.

 

“Yes and since we are done stating the obvious, what am I doing here?” Maybe trying to be a smart mouth wasn’t the best thing to do but it was in her nature.

 

He ignored her jibe, “Well since we have an impatient guest, I’ll just get skip right to the chase. Ransom; I wonder how much daddy would pay to get his sweet daughter back.” Just as she was about to respect him for not beating around the bush, he just had to get into that clichéd evil laugh.

 

“Father doesn’t like threats or being ordered around. He won’t pay.” He’d just hire every detective out there to find her, but he won’t pay.

 

He grinned, “I’m sure he would see differently after I send him a finger or two.” She flinched; big mistake. She was not supposed to show that she was intimidated. “I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt first but just in case, which finger do you think you’ll miss the least.” Again he laughed; cackled more like it, before leaving her in darkness again. She wasn’t scared; she wasn’t.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

She didn’t know how long it has been since she was in that room. Days, weeks maybe even mere hours. She still had her fingers so that must have counted for something. Did Father really pay for her? She’d doubted it; it wasn’t in his nature. She let out a coughing fit and shivered again. The least they could have done was given her a change of clothing or food or water. She tried to wrap herself closer together to gather what heat she could. A moan escaped her throat. She was welcomed back into the darkness’ embrace; glad of it for once.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

She woke up feeling warmth around her. Was she dead? Arms cradled her; she attempted to force her eyes open but they were so heavy. She tried to speak but only a groan escaped. “It’s alright now, I’m here.” She knew that voice; it was the man from the coffee shop. She tried to fight the arms around her but she barely did any damage.

 

“Told you…leave me…alone…” She was proud that something at least escaped her throat instead of those pathetic sounds she released. The person holding her said nothing; just placed her softly on the ground.

 

“I didn’t mean it you know. No matter what you heard. I wrote to you all the time but she wouldn’t give those letters to you.” She shook her head; she didn’t want to hear this. Not now; not ever.

 

“Watch your mouth. That’s my mother you’re talking about.”

 

He laughed; he actually had the guts to laugh. “She was always so beautiful and so gentle. I can only guess where you got that fire from.” He ran a hand through her hair and she growled. “I think about you every day until sometimes I wonder whether it was worth leaving.” He trembled, “There was just no other way to it. I made a choice and it was what I wanted.”

 

“What you wanted? What about what I wanted? What about what mom wanted? I knew mom never showed me the letters. I didn’t want to read them. I didn’t need you. If you really loved my mom, loved me, you would have tried coming back. I didn’t need much; birthdays and Christmas. It would have been more than enough. You should have been there holding my hand while I watched my mom die but you weren’t. The case in Venice or Siam or who cares where was more important. Someone did hold my hand. I have a Father, I don’t need you.”

 

He said nothing more and trembled beside her. Was he crying? Was he cold? She couldn’t bring herself to care. She shivered again. “I’ve called the cops; they will be here any second.” She ignored the pain in his voice. She taught herself to be cold and heartless. It was the only way she dragged herself through the years. She had no friends; she only had people desperately following her around. For fame, for money, who cares? She was never alone and they didn’t get a chance to leave; she left them. It was easy and it was painless. She watched the sky and let herself fall asleep, relieved as sirens filled the distance.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

“Where is she? Where is my daughter? Alucia!?”

 

“Calm down sir, she’s alright. Just a bit of hypothermia has set in, that’s all.”

 

“Let me see her!”

 

“Father!”

 

He pushed passed the paramedics and enveloped her in a hug. “You gave me such a scare! I told them I’d send the money but I knew they wouldn’t let you go; loose ends and all that. You’re alive, that’s all that matters.”

 

She couldn’t help but smile. It warmed her to find her usually stoic father act so human. She always thought that he never thought her of his own. Now she knew. She furrowed her brow as something to the right of her caught her eye.

 

For reasons she cannot explain, her heart clenched as she saw the man who spawned her lying deathly pale beside her. The blood red that stained his chest stood out more than anything. She could only stare; her face giving away nothing.

 

“Is he going to be alright?” Her Father asked the paramedic. She tuned them out as she could only stare at her savior. She didn’t want to believe what was happening. She hated him, she reminded herself. She never wanted to see him again. “He’ll be fine.” Her father whispered to her. “He’ll make it.” She wondered whether her Father knew exactly who this man was. “He saved you; he’s the best detective in the world. He found you almost instantly.”

 

A case; that’s all she was. The man stared at her with those sad eyes. She stared back; no words to say. She numbly touched the bullet wounds on his chest. For her, those were all for her. She surprised herself when she wrapped her hand around his. His eyes widened and suddenly he looked many years younger. She smiled slightly and a single raindrop trailed down her face. She saw his true nature and decided that she might learn to love him after all.

Writing

Well anyone who knows me would know I love to write. Yes they're not Shakespearean work but they are mine and no matter how horrible it seems I will always be proud that they came from my hand. So anyways I did what I've been telling myself to do for the past year (and I chose the middle of my exams to do it) and picked up random SPM English papers and write the 'essays'. I don't know why I chose to write english essays instead of a proper prompt on any writing website. I mean it is so restrictive I mean no cursing, no weird stuff like gays or gory murders or anything like that. So why did I do it? I don't know. Maybe because it is so restrictive I can write without worrying about...well I don't know what exactly but it must be something. Maybe it's the time limit so I know I have to keep it short. I didn't follow the time limit exactly but enough to keep the story at most 3 pages or so. Maybe Spm essays were the place I knew I couldn't write fanfiction so I tried to keep it original. 

So I've written 3 topics so far:

1) End with: She saw his true nature and decided that she might learn to love him after all.

2) Start with: “Put up your hands and don’t move!” a loud voice ordered everybody in the bank just as I had taken money from the cashier.

3) Start with: I didn’t know what happiness was...

Now guess which topic I hated the most. No seriously guess. If you chose lucky door number two then you are wrong. It's the third topic. 'But why?' you ask 'It's so open, you can write about anything'. Well I think that's the reason really. I mean when I get the topic during the exam the first thing I think about is what the most common story is going to be. Well easy 1) Love Story 2) (well that's obvious) and 3) er... exam, met him/her, fulfilled my dream, join contest... OMG my head's gonna explode. Y'see what I usually do is either make sure I never touch the common topic or start off with common topic and play a twist at the end. Obvious or not doesn't really matter but at least it isn't usual. So yea when I chose the 3rd question I made up some pathetic attempt at sounding shocking. Honestly I hated the story. It didn't sound right, like some blatant attempt to sound cool. I hate it. I liked what I did for the first story. It was simple and yet I don't know more story-like than essay-like which was what I was aiming for. The second story wasn't awesome or anything but I fell in love with the characters. What seemed like simple sentences at first to me built up the character in ways I never expected. Yea it sounds a bit syiok sendiri but I think everyone likes their stories at least for a week before calling it stupid and throwing it aside. It's our right as an author. 

So yea, I decided I'm gonna post up my stories here. Haha lucky you. I'm tempted to place it on Writing.Com as well but haha a little chicken to do so. It would be nice if I could receive some reviews though. It doesn't have to be good, constructive criticism is very welcomed. Thanks everyone. :D

ADAM LAMBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS POST IS GOING TO BE ENTIRELY IN CAPS BECAUSE I MYSELF CAN'T STOP SCREAMING!!!!!! ADAM LAMBERT SO CLOSE TO ME. I WISH I COULD SAY I ALMOST TOUCHED HIM BUT THANKS TO A CERTAIN ORGANIZATION HE WAS 25 FEET AWAY. YES READ THAT 25 FEET!!!!! DAMN YOU IDIOTIC ORGANIZATION WHOM I CANNOT NAME HERE IN FEAR THAT I'D BE STONED OR THROWN INTO ISA!!!!!

NO! I'M NOT GOING TO LET THEM SPOIL MY NIGHT. HE WAS THERE. I HEARD HIM SING LIVE. I HEARD HIS BEAUTIFUL VOICE. I SCREAMED HIS NAME SO MANY TIMEs TONIGHT, IT PROBABLY SOUNDED ORGASMIC. THE WAY HE JUST CROONED WHATAYA WANT FROM ME AND BROKEN OPEN OR THE FIRE POWER HE HAD IN SINGING STRUT AND SURE FIRE WINNERS. AS MUCH AS I LOVED HIM; I NEVER THOUGHT HIM BETTER THAN FREDDIE MERCURY UNTIL NOW. TO BE ABLE TO SING SO BEAUTIFULLY LIVE IS SOMETHING MOST CELEBRITIES CAN DREAM OF. SOAKED WAS JUST EPIC. ESPECIALLY WITH THE GIRL PASSED OUT AND HAD TO BE CARRIED OUT. IT WAS JUST SERIOUSLY EPIC AND SO HAUNTING.

YES I WAS DISAPPOINTED HE DIDN'T MAKE OUT WITH HIS HOT BASE GUITARIST (SORRY MY PERSONAL FETISH). I THINK HE WAS A DOLL FOR RESPECTING MALAYSIA'S (OUTDATED) CULTURE. HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN A DIVA AND SAID NO I'D RATHER NOT PERFORM. BUT HE DIDN'T. HE SAYS HE SHOULD NOT DEVOID HIS FANS OF HIS PERFORMANCE SO HE IS WILLING TO COMPROMISE. THANK YOU ADAM SO MUCH FOR THINKING ABOUT US. AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY NOT ALL MALAYSIANS ARE SO CLOSE MINDED TO THINK THAT BEING GAY IS A DISEASE.

WELL THAT'S IT I GUESS. I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO POST ABOUT UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO SCREAM ABOUT HOW HOT ADAM IS WHICH I WOULD JUST GO ON AND ON ABOUT. *SIGH* NOSE BLEED. HAHAHA I THINK I'M OFFICIALLY A FAG HAG. NOW I JUST NEED A GAY FRIEND TO COMPLETE THE IMAGE.

HAHAHAHA K LAR CIAO GUYS.

PS. HEY KEEFE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU READ MY BLOG. I HAVE TO SAY I AGREE WITH YOUR COMMENT ABOUT THERE NOT BEING A POINT TO LIKING CELEBRITIES. I MEAN THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE ALIVE I GET IT BUT I DON'T KNOW. I WILL STILL BE CRAZY ABOUT ADAM. JUST KNOWING THAT HEY, HE SAW MY PICTURE. YEA HE'LL FORGET IT IMMEDIATELY OR JUST BYPASSED IT BUT IT'S JUST THE THOUGHT. IT'S THE SIMPLE THOUGHT THAT WHEN OUR EYES MEET, HE ACTUALLY SEES 'ME'. IT'S FOOLISH AND CHILDISH, YEA BUT IT GETS ME THROUGH. YEA NOTHING HAPPENED LIKE I OFTEN DAYDREAMED IT WILL HAPPEN. (THANK GOD TOO CAUSE MY DAYDREAMS GO EVERYWHERE) I'M JUST SOME OTHER PERSON WHO LIKES HIM; IT MEANS NOTHING TO HIM BUT IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME. YES HIS COMMENT ABOUT ALL THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE GATHERED WAS NEVER EVER SUPPOSED TO MEAN ME BUT ONE JUST HAS TO CLOSE ONE'S EYES AND PRETEND.

Tears? What do you mean tears?

Yo well. Ok so I decided to pay a tribute to those shows who managed to make me cry. Not tear up mind you really cry. Now those who know me, will know that I do not cry easy. Especially not for tv programmes so yea decided to pay a tribute to the shows and scenes that broke down the walls.

Ok first show as far as I remember was 3 years ago. Now mind you, I still blame PMR stress but anyway. It was some cantonese drama set in the desert. So anyway, this poor fellow had lost both his hearing and his eyesight. So, he believed that the person taking care of him was the 'lady he fell in love with'. the audience however knows that it is actually his wife who pretended to make him happy. Now I always hated his wife and this is her redeeming moment for me. And he tells her that he is thankful for her for taking care of him but he misses his wife and is going to find her. And now me, so used to tragic movies thought that he really was going to leave her since she didn't really have a way to tell him who she was. So yea, I started crying. But of course they decided to give it a happy ending and he recognizes her by feeling her face. Swt, but yea.

Ok next time was...well this year. Same show, twice. Oh you know what show I'm talking about. GLEE!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha ok I know it's so unlike me. I mean the show is good and all but too popular for my taste. Hahahaha. (never mind inside joke) So anyway the first time was when Finn called (kinda) Kurt a fag and the dad comes in and yells at Finn. So most people think I cried cause of the way Finn treated Kurt. yea, it was horrible. (I swore I'd never use the word fag on anyone. I said it once by accident and must find a way to punish myself). Yea, I actually cried because of the clear guilt in Mr Hummels (Kurt's dad's voice). I mean I had just finish watching Supernatural at that time and anyone who followed it would know every character there had daddy issues. So it was a fresh relief to see Mr Hummel being nothing short of a great dad to Kurt. I mean I think almost everyone thought he was going to be the type of dad who was unaccepting of Kurt's gayness and the way he just comes up and defends him was just whoa. And then he goes on about how he used to pick on kids for being well, fags. And i think he began thinking about what if one of those kids was my son. And you could just hear the amount of self-loathing in his voice. It was just tear-jerking.

Hahaha the last time was just last night when I watched the finale of Wicked musical. (No I haven't watched the whole show). So first let me say Kristin and Idina are awesome actresses. No matter what half-cocked fans of Glee say about them. (Rachel cannot hold a candle to them). So ok spoiler alert, but well who doesn't know the Wicked Witch (Elphie) dies at the end. But wait, the musical wanted a happy ending so she doesn't die. She faked her death. BUT Glinda doesn't know. And I want to remind everyone that this show rests on the friendship of these two. And Glinda tries to be the public figure but just loses it when she calls herself Glinda the Good because it kinda was her fault that Elphie 'died'. I really just cried man. I cannot, I repeat cannot listen to For Good the same way again. Now I get why Elphie can't tell her she's alive but come on. You are letting your best friend think she caused you to die and she's going to live with that guilt for the rest of her days. Poor Elphie. Poor Glinda. It didn't help that the version i watched was Kristin's last performance and she and Idina formed a great friendship. So yea, the tears were very real.

Hahaha ok that's about it. 4 times. 3 times in one year is too much for me though. Never again, at least not so soon. I can't wait for the next season of Glee and the Wicked movie to come out. Come on, do your worst.

New flame, Old Sea

Yo so I think I've met this really sweet guy. Relax, I'm not getting my hopes up or anything because I barely know him and I don't know if he already has someone else. I barely meet him so I doubt anything can come out of this, not with AS coming around the corner and all that. I mean he probably thinks I'm some sort of whiner and all that but yea I want to know him more. I want to really know him before falling for him. I don't want fall for my perfected image of him. Hey maybe this will work, maybe it won't but I think I understand now. It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I don't know. I've gotten my heart broken before but I dunno... I guess I appreciate the experience. I think I'd rather have gone through that humiliation than to have never felt anything.

Which brings me to my second problem... I realized that I compare him a lot to that guy I used to like. Not as in who's better looking or anything but rather all their similarities. I mean, maybe this is my staple kind of guy. This is the personality I dig but I'm afraid I'm just looking at him as a replacement to my old crush. I mean they are so different in personality but I keep saying Omg he's just like him. I mean even his friend reminds me of his friend. (ok from here on out, you-know-who will be yellow to stop this confusion on him) So what now? I'm over him....I'm pretty sure I am but I don't want a replacement I want a genuine person who may or may not like me.

Sigh...NO! I will not revert to my emo ramblings. I'm a confident girl; one day there will be someone for me even if it is not this guy. I'm tired of feeling down all the time. I made my move didn't I? I have never made friends so easily before have I? So what's the problem? Can't I be this confident chick that guys dig (I must stop using that word, I hate it). I want to be me, well a confident me. I'm not going to be overlooked because I can't or am too shy to communicate with someone else.

This is it. I'm going to make my move. It's too early to say anything but all I know is I want to change. I want to be that confident person I saw in front of that debate stage. I want to be the person who met so many people in the span of 2 days. That's the girl I wanna be, who I should be. I'm not hiding anymore. I want to shine.

Debate

Hey everyone! I'm back. Honestly when I woke up this morning, I felt like the events of yesterday was just a dream. Everything felt so surreal and unbelievable. For one thing, it was almost like I fell asleep on Friday and woke up the next morning a very different person. I mean to say that I debated well is an overstatement but I did so much better than I thought I would. I literally broke down on Friday night and cried myself to sleep because I was so sure I was going to choke up and embarrass myself. I mean, in the end, I did choke up, I stuttered; but the confidence i displayed to everyone and y'know no one really thought any worse of. I made so many new friends which was a first for me because I never really talked to strangers even when approached. I didn't feel useless or angry with myself when I heard the judge's comments I just felt 'Yes, I will improve'.

I felt so comfortable up there in front of everyone. I feel more truth in my personal statement now. Even when I had no points to say, I just crapped with whatever crappy point I could and just prayed it worked. Even when it didn't I didn't feel dejected, I just repeated to myself I made the best of a bad situation. At the Gala dinner, I met a church friend (well more like someone I really admired) and for once I actually held a conversation with. Even he could see the difference in me. I was by myself and I was surrounded by people and never once did I feel alone or left out. I just felt so comfortable. Truly a very different person.

Haha left my post halfway and now I've lost my mood to continue. Haha oh well. I guess I'm gonna say ciao now. Well...ciao

Haiz

Hey everyone! It's me again. Sorry for the late update. Haven't had the mood to do anything online except watch Bleach. Hehehe. Yea don't worry won't go on and on about it. Haven't the mood. So anyways these two days have just got back my exam papers. Well except for maths it was like 10 times better than I expected. You'd think I'd be happy right? I mean I was ecstatic at the I receive my results but I don't know. I just feel so glum now. Well not glum exactly just very tired. I don't know, maybe worrying about the exams kept me pumped up or something but now it's like meh whatever man.

I don't know maybe it's just the usual down me. I feel so out of place like something is being a barrier between me and the outside world. I feel like I was made wrong; that He'd put in too much of something or not enough. I feel souless and faithless. I mean I do pray now and then but it feels fake...memorized. I envy those who'd get everything down. I envy those people I despise for dividing the world into black and white. To be so simple in thinking. I envy those who see the glass as half full because at the end of the day no matter how much water there is in that glass it will never be enough. It will overflow and it won't be enough. Nothing will be enough. I won't be enough.

I'd swore I'd give Adam a better post than this but I dunno. I feel so unmotivated. I should be off celebrating, buying his tickets instead of sitting flat on my but, oblivious. Maybe it's the fact that I'd have to go to the concert alone. Alone...you'd think I'd get used to it by now. I mean hey, it's nothing new. Alone...hahahahahaha what a funny word. Alone...the dictionary defines it as lacking companions or companionship. Companions...friends...I have that (or at least I think I have)...I have family...I have people...so why do I feel so alone. So...isolated from everyone else. Is my thinking too advanced from anyone else? Too behind? Am I too mature? Too childish? Or have I just reached that stage where I just don't fucking care and I just want to...well you know...

You'd think I'd be scared of hell. The pain, the torture, the loneliness, the isolation, the fact that you'd scream and no one would hear you, that no one would care. Hell would be hell. Not in my top ten places to visit. But then again, without expectation can there be true pain? Without hope, nothing could ever crush it again. But then what is life without hope? The hope that one day, life would be better. The hope that one day, people would actually understand. The hope that one day there will just be that person with that one smile, that one touch so you would finally feel beautiful for once, to actually feel good about yourself. What is life without hope? Without dreams?

I envy those who saw flowers, food and people in that dining room. (Tea-party gang, you know what I'm talking about). Until now I can see no people in that room; no food; no flowers. I try to imagine flowers and when I do I see candles and an guy there with no face. I've been thinking of placing the flowers on the bed instead of the window and I don't like what that says about me. I've stopped thinking that Little John was romantic and that Marion should not settle for him. I think that I'm beginning to see a more, well not noble but better vision of the Sheriff then I ever did. I'm beginning to think that I can have a million and one results saying I'm an ENFP and I'd make a wonderful psychologists and all that crap and I still would think that something was wrong. I think ENFP's are usually those annoying characters in animes and movies. Well not annoying to the audience but to the characters, y'know? Comic relief. Anyone who knows me will know I'm no comic relief. Can't say something 'funny' without looking dumb. Hahaha....haiz (Btw I'm also looking at an argument on how Jesus is ENFP. Very 'amusing') Hahaha did you know ENFP's tend to fall into bad relationships? Tell that to Elizabeth Bennet. I want a Mr Darcy. T_T

Hahahaha ok I know major mood swing at the end right? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being sorry for myself when all I should do is get up, yell at myself and feel better. Maybe I just like thinking life is so horrid so that i could blame something for my lack of motivation, my misplaced anger. Maybe I'm just looking for attention which I pretend I don't get enough of at home. Maybe I should just stop reading fictions so I stop writing like some overdramatic drama story. Hahahaha k y'all nitez.

PS: sorry guys too lazy to look for a song to put in