I wanna quit med school.
XD
Well now that's I've caught your attention, here's what I wanna say. I wanna quit med school. XD
No...not really. I mean I've made it this far, I won't turn back now.
But... I kinda wished I'd known I was an INFP long ago and accepted how I was. I would have known so long ago that all my extroverted behaviors were me being gripped by my shadow self. I mean truthfully, school was a challenging time for me esp as an introvert, and my shadow type/self just took over without me knowing. Like literally, I can't imagine myself being a choleric at all. I can't believe I used to (think I) liked being in a leadership position. Like I can actually imagine all that being a nightmare for me now. I mean don't get me wrong, my shadow self probably do come out now and again but not so much that I believe it's my whole personality.
Which brings me back to what a nightmare talking to people are. Just two weeks holiday and I'm already unable to talk to patients again. (Not that I was any better towards the end of last sem but it wasn't so bad seriously. Like it didn't take me that long to get the courage to approach the patient.) Today? OMG It took my forever to approach anyone and I hated it so much. I just wanted to run away so bad. It's like I'm back in frist week again.
I dunno if it's me never realizing how hard it was for me to talk to people or me just not realizing how much human interaction I'd have before entering med school. I keep telling myself it'd be better when I actually become a doctor since patients would be approaching me, not the other way around...but I really don't know. I'm actually tempted to specialize in anaesthesia so I'd never have to face another patient again.
I'd actually thought I'd gotten ok at it already. I mean this is only a 2 week break. Am I gonna face this again after raya?
Argh I hate being distracted in between blogging now I lost the mood to type.
I dunno lar... the strange thing was a month (or two) ago my friend asked me if I could go back in time and warn myself against being a med student, would I? I told her I didn't know and probably not. Now the answer has gone the opposite direction. Like even though I still have no idea what else I would have done if I didn't take this field, it feels like anything would be better than this.
(I still find it so strange I type with my left hand normally and with only my index finger on my right. Haiz)
And housemanship....I'm seriously dreading that. Like... it litterally is just clerking patients and being yelled and questioned by whoevers above you. Like seriously, I can't imagine a nightmare worse than that. 2 years is a seriously long time.
And half the time I don't even know if I have what it takes to be a doctor. I mean even removing everything about studies (which I am seriously lacking in and I just blank out when questioned). Half the time I think I'm too soft to be a doctor, other half I think I'm too unfeeling. I don't know if it's just my imagination or if I think too much some of the time but... Honestly though I don't know what makes a good doctor. Because I can't imagine caring for your patient without CARING for your patient (like getting emotionally involved and all that). Simultaneously, I can't imagine caring for my patients and getting emotionally involved with them. I dunno if it's cause the patients I meet now are just people I interview and not actually MY patients.
I honestly don't know... I mean I can't say I'm stuck because I really don't plan to quit anymore. But... how would I deal with this nightmare. When I actually become a doctor... would it still feel this shitty? I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't do anything about it anymore. I guess I should just soldier on...
