I have honestly nothing to post about. Actually I have plenty to post about but no mood to write about it. I envy those people who feel the determination to prove people wrong when they are looked down upon or insulted. They can just struggle through just to have the chance to prove the other person wrong. I don't. I just fall deeper into myself and believe everything they say. I hate it. I want to prove him wrong. I really do but I've just lost interest. I've lost interest in the subject, I've lost interest in the class and I've lost interest (maybe even respect) for him. I don't feel like pleasing him any longer and I see no reason to look any better in his eyes. I want to act out. I want to be the worst I can be, just to wipe it into his face. But no I'm not going to screw myself over for that. I'm not even angry anymore I'm just...apathetic. I just want to get over this exams and just go to the next stage.
But...I don't see myself enjoying the next stage either. I don't see myself happy in a new place making new friends doing something I may or may not like. 5 years does not seem too bad but I don't know. This seems just like another course that you have to play politics and backstab just to get noticed or just be perfect. I am not or don't do any of these things. I don't like it. It's the reason I hated being a prefect and it's the reason I enjoy college. I mean seriously to specialize you have to get the head of the department to like you and recommend you. Are you serious? People generally don't like me and I'm not going to pretend or suck up to someone but what can I do? That's what I have to do. Enjoy myself in medicine. Yea right. What happened to plain old psychology where all you had to worry about was your patient trying to kill you. XD
Let's see what else is up. Oh yea IELTS is coming up soon. I'd thought I'd enjoy it with how much I like English and all but nah it's a total bore to me. I'd think I'd enjoy SATs more but it's not a recognized English test so yea. I think the problem is I'm setting too high a band for myself. English is something that is there. If that's your band, that's your band. There isn't much you can do to improve it. I mean I've done 5 speaking tests already and I've not gone up a band yet. I don't really hold much hope for writing really. I think I sacrificed my factual skills for my story skills but I really don't regret that. I blame our education system really. I mean English IS my native language after all I should be much much better than I currently am. However with a horribly low standard of English and sometimes English teachers who have worse English than me, how am I supposed to improve? All I know is I'm stifled here. There isn't any other way my english can improve, not anymore. I hate it.
So anyway I have to commentate in church this week. Wheeeeeeeee and if you were too dumb to catch it, that was sarcasm. I know I wanted to do the readings initially, I have lost interest already. It's too fast to lose interest but I have. The change in head did not help things at all. I can't stand her, I'm sorry to say. Maybe it's cause I'm too used to the old one who was more supportive and hip. Haha I guess it doesn't help that I have had the worst year spiritually last year. I mean I was literally at a religious rock-bottom even though I prayed more...kinda. It's a horrible thing really to pray for faith. You need faith to pray and when you are just zapped of it you just have this voice in your head telling you you are talking to yourself and you are asking yourself for delusion medicine. Really it's just a whole lot of BS. I feel better now but I still don't want to stand in front of a crowd and talk. The old me used to like that but I don't anymore. I think the past year has turned me introverted but I don't mind really. I really don't mind it any way at all.
Well ciaoz
